I want to die. Or start my life over from scratch. Help?

Question

I'm too scared to live my life & I don't even know how to live it ...

I'm laying here trying to sleep, but my brain keeps comparing myself to this girl I barely know in nyc who has EVERYTHING I want ... i'm 19, quiet, never had a relationship (not that i realllly care about that), mainly i just feel like I'm just really negative & don't care about other people or ANYTHING ... I shut myself out from everything ...

The thing is, i LOOK normal ... im not scary looking/emo...

& i'm in college now .. and ive only made a couple friends blaaaa. I spent my entire time in highschool hiding [really insecure, didnt fit in, didnt WANT to fit in, got depressed from having no friends .. had no friends because i was depressed .. oh woeeee is me ... ],

and now i feel like i have to play a ridiculously hard game of catch-up ... finding out who i want to be / what my personality is / how to make friends / what i believe in.

I'm sick of this.

Anyone have similar experiences?

p.s. wy the **** is my icon a dude?

I'm a 19 yr old girl.

and i feel so lame coming here for 'hardcore advice.'

the 'makeover' thing is an ongoing thing; thing is I'm pretty poor ... but i buy tons of crap to compensate for being lonely ...

i dont know if my parents would pay for counseling! but im sure i'd be the laughingstock of my extended family .. theyre so judgemental ... ugh ....

i think understand myself so well, but i dont know how to change anything. :(

Answer 1

I know how you feel, thats what my school years where like too and still now I only have a very little amount of friends! Ive found if you surruond yourself with friends that you know care about you, and if thats only one or two it feels ALOT better than having a million friends who dont really care.
Starting your life over is better than dying trust me!!! Go out and get a new haircut.. something really different to what you normally have, dye your hair, change your wardrobe and be open to everyone who comes your way!

Answer 2

There isn't a best or certain way to live your life.Everybody lives his life hiw he/she thinks it's best for him.We ALL make mistakes but we learn from them and that makes us stronger in time.Fear can only be good in a very few instances and your fear doesn't seem to help with anything from what you've told me.
You say that that girl has everything you whant, ok.Did you think on how she got all those things you whant ? Did you think on what you did and what eforts you made to have all those things ?
Why do you shutyourself up ?
An introvert is not a thing you are born with, it's a choice.
A year ago I was just like you but I've changed a lot.I used to think that people just wanted to hurt me and that it's THEY'RE faul I am having myserable and lonely life.I couldn't be much wrong!
You didn't fit in because YOU didn't whant to fit in.SO who is to blame for your sufering ? WHo ran from everyone and stayed terified in a smal dark corner ?
You did.And now you suffer from it.YOu cannot say you don't have friends because you are depresed; you don't have friends because you don't whant to have friends and prefere to stay in your black and lifeless world.It's allyour choice.
So what if you have to catch up on all the things you've mised ? would it be better to live your whole life in darkness and lonelyness ?
It's all your choice and you will only start to change thing when you will start to change.
The first thing you must realise is that there is a part of you that loves this world of depresion and loneliness and thatmost of the times you feel better in being depresed and alone than being in the company of other people.
There is nothing wrong with you ! throw that crap away from you head ! You hve a bit of a problem in understanding yourself and had chosen a bit of a bad way but there's nothing unchangeable.YOU are the only one that can change things in your life but first you have to understand that you have chosen a wrong path and that you just keep sinking deeper and deeper.The most long lasting changes are the ones that come from within.
Your life depende solely on you.
You do havesome problems but the question is what are you willing to do about them (or are you going to do anything or just sit there and wait until your life pases by ?) ?

Answer 3

Your only 19. And you are in college so you already have a foot in the door as to where you are going in life. If you don't like what your life has to offer right now change it. It is great that you are seeking some help here on line, but you really need to be seeking help professionally. The answers you get here are only going to be opinions of what to do. A professional can actually tell you what is good for YOU.

We all have the ability to make what we want out of this life. Each day is a new day. If you need help or guidance I advise you to seek out professional help. That is what it is there for. Your college councilor should be able to offer that to you- in some college it is free, as it is included with your tuition.

Your 19... Life has just begun for you... Stick it out and give it a chance!-

Answer 4

Hey.
I understand the way you feel. I felt like that too. I felt like I was different and couldn't understand other people so well. Not that there was anything wrong with me, I just found I was more thoughtful/inquisitive about life than most girls my age were. They seemed to be shallow into make up boys and other boring stuff that I liked but realised weren't THE WHOLE picture.

Unfortunatly, people who think differently,more deeply..tend to be more lonely, more alone and more depressive. We are able to scratch below the surface of realative which is made up in modern society of media lies about who and what we should be. For us types, we may only find a handful of very like-minded close, REAL friends within our lifetime...but just because there are not so many doesnt mean theres anything wrong, just that real friendship is hard to achieve.

I dont think you should ascociate your depressive feelings just with your circumstance. Im 25 now and feelings of depression have just come back to whack me in the face again. I find writing helps just getting it (anything) down on paper...and reading about philosophy, buddhst philosophy help me out.

Being scared is ok. I think you'd have trouble finding a singl person who is not scared by life sometimes. And as for wanting to be like that other girl...don't do that to yourself. Ok, see her good qualities , appreciate them but dont ever compare. It's self destructive.

just try to ride it out. Usually when we gothrough the worst times, it means we're changing and better times are on there way. Peace.

Answer 5

listen I went through the same thing and someone suggested going to church.. I believed in God all my life so I thought I would give it a try.. Wow what a difference.. Found lots of friends and now I am stable .... I do wish you well my dear and if you have a bible read this (Oh yes I am not a Jesus freak and I am not trying to push religion on you I just thought you wanted to hear rom someone that was in your shoes) I must meet the pubic. Jesus was heaven's artist at this. He never met a stranger. Paul teswtifiede: "I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some" (1 Corinthians 9:22) Good luck and God Bless.... Grant M

Answer 6

I Know exactly what you mean, the fact is "you" is a very fluid concept. I always had the image of a runner on the starting line missing the gun to go. however, this only means that you can learn from other ppl. its not wrong to want to emulate someone else because you enjoy their attributes. But take those characteristicsand make them your own, as for appearances they usually mean very little. Here is waht i would advise you to do, take an english lit course or philosophy and read. you will slowly make up who you are and where you stand on things . Reading helps.

Answer 7

You may be an Aspie. Sorry but I tend to search this site for Aspies, since I am one. I found out when I was 19. College is one of the best places for Aspies to find friends. You need to go to organizations on campus to find friends. You are lucky to be a college student. Most colleges provide free counseling. Your family doesn't have to know you get counseling unless you're likely to hurt yourself. If you don't want to go to counseling you can talk to your professors. I find that many of them are much better people than the students. They usually are willing to give advise.

Answer 8

Just a short note. You are in college. A lot of collages have counselling offices that actually help with more than which classes to take. The one I attended did. Scope them out ahead of time so they don't assign you to some old fart you doesn't remember what college is. Look for someone you think you can relate to. Then be honest with them.

If your college doesn't have this look around in your community, there are a lot of services out there, sometimes you have to search to find them.

Answer 9

I have had this idea in the back of my mind since I was a child. I was brought up in a home that believed waste was sinful. Therefore why would God waste souls which I was told were the most precious items in the universe. Yes those folks of mine were total bible thumping believers that took their religion extremely literally. So I always had this unspoken thought that when a soul dies which it never really does, just the body "not the spirit" it returns to another "vessel" till it does it right and then can be taken into the bosom of the Lord to heaven.

Answer 10

Talk to your school councilor, they may be able to help. Volunteer at the hospital in the nursery. Those babies need love. You only need 1 good friend that you don't have to hide your feelings from.
I have had many traumatic things happen in my life and it's hard to bounce back. I say "why me" at least once a day, but I have a friend who has MS, and just lost her daughter to cancer, and she is amazing, people can draw off her strength. She has a lot of faith in god and she say he will sustain her. I wish I had her faith. So instead of dwelling on your faults, dwell on your strengths.