I've screwed up my love life. Help!?

Question

Hey guys, here's the deal. I'm quite aware that I've made a lot of mistakes, so please don't reply condemning what I've done. I know that it's going to come back and haunt me; it's already began to. I just need some help turning my life around.

I'm currently a Junior in high school. Last September I moved across country to a new state. I met a wonderful guy, who I'll call Dave (I'm keep everyone anonymous, for safety's sake). He's a strong Christian like I am and he got me connected with a new church and a great youth group. Soon after, we began to go out. We went out for nine months, but in the end, we rarely saw each other. He's an honor student, and when he wasn't working on homework, he's volunteering somewhere (which is not say I think that's bad at all. I admired it, but he just didn't have time for me). After many nights of crying myself to sleep, I decided it was time to end things. I broke up with him a few days later.

After this, a close friend of mine (I'll call him Rick) asked me out on a date. I told him that I was still hung up on Dave, but we could just hang out and see how things went. This went on for about a month, and we decided we were an item (there was a specific conversation). This was my first mistake. I was still liking Dave, but Rick was wooing me, and I fell for it. A few weeks later I got a call from one of the two other girls he was seeing. I could handle that if he didn't try to have sex with me. Needless to say, I ended things with him.

Then comes James. He's everything I could ask for. He's become Christian, he dotes on me, appreciates me, and has fallen for me fast. Again, I told him to take things slow, but I can tell he's attached. Whenever I'm with him, I feel like I have the whole world - I feel like the luckiest girl alive.

The problem is, I still like Dave! I don't even understand why. It honestly makes no sense. He's bad for me. Even if by some extent we got back together, it would never work. He's taking all AP classes. I know he's have no time for me. Also, he's very fit, and well, I'm not obese, but I'm definitely not the tiniest thing around.

Anyways, my question is this: do I stay with James and hope my feelings for Dave go away or do I follow another path? And if so, what path do you think I should take? Any insight on this would be a great help for me! It's hard for me to be objective when I'm so emotionally involved.

Thanks for your help!

Brydie -

Thanks for the great advice. I just wanted to answer your question - I see Dave almost everday. We go to the same school and we all hang out with the youth group during lunch/passing time. Although, it's mostly with James, who insists on grabbing onto me when I'm around Dave. (I hate that). Other than school, I see him at church and youth group.

Thanks for all your help guys (and gals)! =)

Brydie -

Thanks for the great advice. I just wanted to answer your question - I see Dave almost everday. We go to the same school and we all hang out with the youth group during lunch/passing time. Although, it's mostly with James, who insists on grabbing onto me when I'm around Dave. (I hate that). Other than school, I see him at church and youth group.

Thanks for all your help guys (and gals)! =)

Answer 1

Okay....I'll give it a try. (First of all, though. ..I didn't really see the mistake you made that you were so vocal about.) Two of the three gentlemen you've dated recently actually seem to be pretty decent people (and I'm not sure I'm even discounting the third guy either simply because he tried to have sex with you, I mean that's what guys do sometimes, though his having other ladyfriends was a bit duplicitous). Focusing primarily on the main two however, it seems that all things being equal (or very close to it) your choice must center on which one makes you feel the most special. For all of his great and admirable qualities, Dave seems a little too busy for your tastes...which is probably the main thing that's keeping him so strongly on your radar; the fact that he didn't put you first ahead of everything else in his life. Ironically, that has a strong resonance of attraction with females. (Human Nature 101: As people we tend to want what we can't fully have.) But the latest guy seems to dote on you and be attentive in every conceivable way, as well as embodying many of the same attributes as did the first guy, but with a definite slant toward "you". Now, it's incumbent on you to decide which situation you find more to your liking, (and to determine once and for all if it's guy one you actually like, or the idea of guy one).
I've been in a similar dilemma lately. I tried to flush one lady out of my system because she was somewhat emotionally unavailable. In my anger I thought I was done with her and called myself having "moved on"....I now discover that anger will only sustain you so far, and in the final analysis I cared far more deeply for her than even I realized. So, my task (just as yours) is to put all of this into perspective, decide what's real, decide what I want and respond accordingly. Good luck to us both...this isn't easy at all, is it?
* Incidentally, I really like Julia's answer. She's speaking some truth there!

Answer 2

Maybe you should leave guys alone until you can get over your feelings for Dave. Your relationship with him ended through no one's fault; it just didn't work out because of timing and other commitments that Dave has. The irony is that the things that ruined your relationship also make him seem like a good guy (unlike the kinds of things that usuallly end a relationship), so he still looks good to you.
But it's not fair to anyone involved for you to try to date someone else while you still have feelings for Dave. And it certainly won't work out to get back with Dave because of his schedule. So just stay single for a while until everything from the past is out of your system, then jump back into the dating pool again.
And you really didn't screw up that bad. You just did some human stuff. This isn't really even a mistake as it is a learning experience, so stop being so hard on yourself about it.

Answer 3

Wow that certainly is quite a question. I think that clearly after you going out with different guys after "Dave" and still having feelings for him is a sign that you need to at least talk to Dave. If you keep trying to suppress your feelings for him by going out with other people you may end up feeling like an absolute wreck. Like I said, just talk to Dave and see if you can at least see him. I'm not sure whether you've seen Dave lately, I don't think you said so in your question. Anyways, you need to see or at least talk to him that way you can either get closure (seeing as the way you ended you probably didn't get much closure because you two would of both liked each other) or you could try and make things work.

Answer 4

You need to forget about Dave and move forward without him because it seems that you have been aroudn some guys that liek you alot and your feelings for Dave is ruining your relationships with anybody you set to go out with. Dave if he wants you is only doing it to ahve you hanging around him so he can keep an eye on you. SO go out with James and forget Dave

Answer 5

I strongly suggest to stay friends with James and or other people until your feelings go away for Dave...

Answer 6

You young lady are too young to worry about this kind of thing. People need therapy for the rest of their lives when they worry as much as you. In ten years all of those people will not mean a thing to you. Stay single for the rest of high school and stay happy.

Answer 7

what you need is to be single for a while be alone and clear youe feelings get them straight maybe you dont even have actual feelings for dave and your just hung up on him cuz you can't have him (hey it happens)