Did I over-react?

Question

Last spring my parents had a small family get-together (just siblings). Near suppertime, we had decided to use paper plates, but my brother (who has small health issues) decided that he wanted a full spread, so he went and set the table with all the fixings and trimmings. Then, totally out of the blue, he called me a dirty little c***s****r for not helping him set the table. I was so totally stunned and heartbroken that I left without saying another word. Two weeks later my mother calls me and blames me for ruining the supper, because I shouldn't have left. She claims I have a bad attitude and I should have just forgave my brother. Well, its been several months and I thought that was all water under the bridge, but now with the holidays coming up, my mom does not want a family get-together again because of my 'bad attitude.' I don't know how to feel about this. Did I over-react in the first place? Is there something I can do to make this all better?

Answer 1

Sweetie, your brother is a mama's boy. You were totally within your right to leave - I give you a lot of credit for not insulting him right back and keeping the peace. You clearly are the better person. What you need to do is stand your ground. If you are all adults, you had the right to walk away from dinner. You didn't ruin it - your brother did. I see this all the time in my family - my sister causes worse things than your brother but other family members condone it because it's easier to go with her than against her. I don't stand for it. So family dinners are non-existant and that's fine by me. The fact that your mother is involved implies to me that she's just like my mother - she has martyr syndrome and will side with your brother every time.

There is nothing you can do to make it better - they think you're wrong, you're not and if, over time, they still won't let it go, you need to decide whether or not you'll let them walk all over you and make peace. Your only other alternative is to avoid them for a while. Maybe distance will help them. I feel bad for you. I know exactly how you feel. Hopefully it will work out for you.

Answer 2

I see nothing wrong with how you reacted. He hurt your feelings and what he said was uncalled for. I feel sorry for you because it seems like your whole family laid the blame on you for something that would have never even happened if it was not for your brother who started it. I would just try explaining again to your Mom that your brother was the one who said something to you. He was out of line for no reason and you left only because you were hurt. Tell her everything at the next gathering would be fine as long as he doesn't say something to you like that again. Also stand your ground, tell her you would have done the same thing all over again. He is the one she should be coming down on.

Answer 3

Your mom was wrong and is a drama queen herself. What kind of parent would allow that type of language to be used towards a sibling and to be used in front of her. I like a lot of suggestions that have been posted. But if it were me, I would tell her what I think and tell that brother of yours he was out of line. Tell him you will not be leaving dinner early the next time but if he talks to you that way again, he may be the one who has to leave early...

Be firm. Sure, health issues may trigger unwarranted remarks and actions sometimes but normal people apologize and he should have.

As a matter of fact, the next time I saw him, I'd give him a big hug and while hugging him put down the law to him. You should also tell your mom that you will not be leaving early. And that since she tolerates that type of behavior she will get what she asks for because you will not put up with it.

Answer 4

Yes, I would reflect concerning self reaction and consider that setting a formal table does not = someone having health issues either. You know the difference between right and wrong and so what do people do when they've chosen to over-react?

Answer 5

Your Brother was in the wrong. As far as your Mom she may be using this incident as an excuse to not have family gatherings at her house.

If you can have it at your house invite who you want to come and do not invite your brother.

Your brother sounds like he has maybe some mental problems and your mother is condoning his behavior

Answer 6

I agree with letterstoheather, but if you ever wish on attending another "family" occasion like that, i would advise to bring a very large boyfriend and see if he calls you any bad names then!!. That name calling is totally not called for. Is one of his "very small health issues "turret syndrome"? then OK, i can understand. but if its not ...he deserves an old fashion a** woopin. But that's just me.Someone in that family needs to take charge of family relations because it sounds like mom is turning it in to "dysfunctional family of the year".

Answer 7

your brother had no right to talk to you like that... and i say well done for just walking out! That's way better than starting an argument... and your mother sounds like a particularly frivolous woman...

Answer 8

your brother had no right to call you names, and if HE wanted your help, he could have asked politely.....

he "expected" you to read his mind, and help him with something that wasn't even your idea in the first place.

if someone called me names like that, i'd have left too.... it's about SELF PRESERVATION...

he owes you an apology, and your mother? well, she's being rediculous.

Answer 9

JUST TELL THEM SORRY. i WOULDVE DiD THE SAME THiNq. BUT i WOULDVE FLiPPED OUT ON HiM BEFORE i LEFT. SO i DONT THiNK YOU OVER-REACTED.
AND iF THEY DONT FORqiVE YOU. THATS ON THEM.