Taking care of my mom is causing marital problems!?

Question

I feel in my heart, mind, body and soul that taking care of my mom is the right thing to do. Infact, that is what i'm doing. But my husband can't understand. He gets irrated when i go over there everyday. And now, she needs me even more. She just got a pacemake put in and can hardly walk. She has nerve damage in her left hand and can't use a walker, so she needs help walking. They have put her on a new blood thinner, which is she fell, she could bleed to death if noone is there. My dad still lives there, but he's not able to be with her 24/7. We moved back here in December, just for this purpose, so i could take care of her, but since then her health has gotten worse and she needs more help. My husband is being selfish, he doesn't want me there all the time. I've decided that if he doesn't like it, well...... there's the road. I don't feel that i'm wrong feeling this way. If he doesn't understand what's goin on, then he needs to go his own way.

Answer 1

There is no question about it , especially, since you moved there to take care of Her.... You continue to Help Your Mamma Dear. If hubby wants to rebel against that, You can re-place Him, you know? You ONLY HAVE ONE MOTHER ! Your Man Is Being very Jealous and STINGY.! If He was A real Man With a Godly Heart, He would understand, and Offer to Help You. This Is A GOOD TEST To Find Out Just HOW MUCH HE really LOVES YOU! >>>>>>I KNOW, Because I Already went Thru this. Guess what? I Cared For My Mother TO THE END...... And I do not regret one Minute of it. GOD BLESSED ME FOR IT, IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE......"God Bless And Help You"

Answer 2

Yes your husband is being very selfish and childish. My husband is the same type of person. He has always resented my family and friends and wants to keep me away from them. You must remember though that the reason that they are acting like this is because of insecurity and fear of rejection. It is emotional immaturity and they are still thinking and acting like little children.
I don't believe that you should break up your marriage because of this problem. There has to be ways around it. The first thing that you should do is reassure your husband of your love for him. He really needs to feel loved if he is going to accept your spending time looking after your Mother. Do you know what makes him feel loved? If you don't, then make it your business to find out. There is a very good book out there called the "Five Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman. Gary is a professional marriage counsellor and has helped thousands of people save their marriages by using this concept.
Something else you can do is try to get your Mother some assistance. Here in Canada you can contact the Red Cross or the "Link" Programme through the United Way. These home care workers will provide the help that your Mother needs and will cut down on the time you have to spend there. Something else you can do is get her a "Medic Alert Alarm" to use if she has an emergency when she is alone.
Please do not give up on your marraige. Divorce hurts everyone involved, including your Mom. I am sure that she does not want that for you and your family.

Answer 3

The question is not about him. It is YOU. WHY are you still married? He has abandoned his family. end of discussion. Type out all the stories, reverse chronologically, from today, See a divorce lawyer and say he has abandoned his family, rarely coming HOME, possibly cheating, and you want a divorce. He might be cheating too, which is what I suspect. If you had nominee, you could hire a Private investigator to track him a few week.s I bet he's ll be with another lady. It doesn;t matter. The marriage is dead as a doorknob. Even IF he is not cheating, he is a workaholic, and when not at work, he abandons all of you. End this misery Soi sorry, really.... Don;t even discuss anything else. Certainly, after you have him served with divorce papers, which could be difficult, move him stuff to another room. He is not allowed in the bedroom with you, which is also where you will have the child, under lock. Better yet: take yourself, your valuables, clean out the bank account, the kid, all your clothes, etc and split to a parent or relatives HOME. There is no disgrace in this. He is a mental case with sever intimacy problems, and he wants no part of The marriage anymore, despite what he might claim. it has gone on too long. He wants a slave that is all. That horse story is BS. HE is abandoning you all, plain and simple./

Answer 4

Hi, you are between a rock and a hard place with this situation and I know because I had the same thing regarding my Father who died last month.
I was constantly there for him and boy was it tough at times, he had cancer and as he got progressively worse so to did the demands on myself.
My family did at times resent the fact that they got less attention because of this than they were used to getting but I could not allow this to deter me from being there for my Dad.
He could not cope especially after losing Mum several years ago and was terribly lonely at times,I often thought that you would need to have a heart of stone to close your eyes to this amount of suffering, and so even though it was very hard at times I knew that it was the right thing to do.
This is the true meaning I believe of love and by this I mean sacrificial love, giving even when it hurts(so to speak)
Your Husband is removed from your situation in a sense and unless He was in your position he will not see things as you see them,some will say that he is being selfish and this may be true but the fact is unless you can walk in the shoes of another then you really do not see the whole picture.
Can I say and hopefully without being patronizing that you are a wonderful example of a human being and I salute your sacrifice, oh by the way since Dad passed away I miss him big time but I know in my heart that I have nothing to regret which would not be the case if I had opted to take the selfish way of leaving someone else to do the needful.

Answer 5

I cannot say what you should do in this situation but I want to clear something up.

In Islam, once you marry you are no longer under any obligation to take care of your parents to the detriment of your marriage.

Your spouse has a right to ask certain things of you and the two of you need to work out exactly what those things are in order for harmony to exist in your house.

If you cannot work out a way to satisfy the needs of both your mother and spouse then the needs of your spouse supersedes the need of you mother.

If you have other, unmarried, siblings who can come and help then they should do that. Or, perhaps the family can band together and make a financial commitment to some kind of home health aid, which would reduce the amount of time you are there. But your time should be only that amount that you and your spouse agree on.

Marriage is partly about solving these very sorts of problems and your comment about sending him down the road speaks about your proclivities in the negotiating department.

Peace and Blessings,

Imam Salim

Answer 6

Hello Friend,

It really sounds like your husband is feeling just a bit jealous. You know what you are doing is right. Perhaps you should sit down and have a long talk with him. Remind him that he is the one that you have married and that you love him. Remind him that it is our duty to help our parents. Are you both Christians? If so you have even more of a duty. In the New Testament we are told to help our parents.( I read it, I don't remember the exact verse) Anyway, pray together about this and you pray separately about it. Maybe you should try bringing your husband over to your parents house with you sometimes, and getting him involved. Maybe he does not see how serious the situation is. Once he sees for himself, he will lighten up.

Answer 7

Your husband is being selfish and you are playing the part of the faithful and heroic daughter, who is apparently willing to throw away her marriage, rather than taking the time and making the effort to find a workable middle ground solution to this problem.

There is a compromise position here somewhere.

Professional help is available to care for the elderly. Siblings, neighbors, and other relatives might be enlisted to help ... even if they help out for just a day or two, each week.

Pray on it. Enlist the help of your local church, or your local social services agency, to see what's available in your area.

Others have.

Don't put it off.

Do it now, before you find yourself in a very dark and lonely place, that's filled with regrets..

Answer 8

Good, take care of your Mom, that's great! But take care of your husband, too! Don't come home and say, "oh, no, I'm tired, I have a headache..."

Sorry, I usually try to be as sarcastic as possible on Yahoo Answers, but not this time. I've seen this situation so many times! You have to understand that yes, it's good to take on extra responsibilities to help your Mom, but that's your choice, and while your husband should understand and support that, you shouldn't neglect him, even if you are tired or whatever, that was your decision, and the burden is on your shoulders here! Give him a little more and perhaps he'll more gladly assist you in your burden!

Yeah, great, let the thumbs down roll, people! Just think about what I said a little bit after you report me.

Think about it this way. You're thinking about letting him go. Would that bother him so much if it involves leaving somebody he never sees, never has a chance to talk to, and yes, never has sex with? I'm sorry to be blunt but that's a part of marriage, one of the big reasons for it. He's a man, not a puppy you can keep tied up at home.

Answer 9

Friend as the bible says that a man shall leave his father & mother & shall cleave unto his wife, It works both ways, But at the sametime your husband needs to understand your feelings, I had to take care of my dad & my mother My dad died at age 51 from a heart attack, My mother lost her job after dad passed away & my mother nerves went to pieces, therefore I took care of her for almost 20 years, until she died in 1991, my wife was understanding, If your husband don't want you to go to your mom's, see if your dad & mother can move in with you for a while. You first job will be unto your husband, & then your family, & your husband should be understanding about your feelings & he will be understanding if he really loves you, But in doing so, don't forget about your husband. Good Luck

Answer 10

Seek some help from outside. Try to find a balance. The choice is not between your husband or your mother. The idea is to find a way to help your mother but not spending all your time doing it. Some social services are available. Use them.