Step daughter dating another girl... influance over toddler daughter?

Question

My personal feeling is that having a sexual relationship between the same sex is against God's plan of salvation. (LDS)

However, I think I am at least tolerant of it. In the past I have had many wonderful friends who have choosen to live differently then how I believe we should.

I am a little nervous though because my teenager step daughter is dating a girl and I have mixed feelings on what I should be teaching my daughter.

I don't want to hurt my step daughters feelings (i don't want her to feel not welcome in our home or accpected) but I feel that it is my duty to teach my daughter God's teaching (including loving one another).

As of right now, I have asked my hubby to not allow his daughter to bring her girlfriend to our house until I figure out how I should handle this.

What do you think? How would you handle this...

Thanks.

I do feel like teaching unconditional love and acceptence is very important. As well as the law of chasity and a proper marriage.

My hubby isn't christian, he believes that it is alright. And doesn't believe in being the head of the house. So as far as that goes, out of my comfort level and respect for my feelings and our home, and my concern, he felt like she would be less upset if he talked to her vs the both of us.

Answer 1

http://www.ldsresources.info

This is a decent site in promoting understanding within the LDS community about homosexuality. It isn't an anti-LDS site and it isn't a pro-gay site either. It's just a site with professional and ecclesiastical leaders of LDS faith giving an eclectic approach to the whole thing.

Personally, I think it's kind of bigotted of you to not allow your daughter's girlfriend in your home. The church teaches that having sex with someone of the same gender is a sin, not that being gay or being associated with gay people is. What makes you think she will necessarily have sex with her?

You should have a talk with her and let her know that you won't tolerate her having sex at all in your house, but that she's welcome to have friends of any gender or orientation over to the house who can respect your rules.

I get the impression from you question that your husband and/or step daughter is not LDS. If this is the case you do need to take a step back and try to see this from her non-LDS perspective. If you leave no room for compromise you WILL put a wedge between you and her (which ultimately can hurt your own marriage too).

After you've visited the site I've reffered you to, talked this over with some close friends whom you trust, maybe even the bishop, the final step is to do what you should do with all your dilemas... take it to Heavenly Father.

I hope you find the answers for which you are searching.

Answer 2

i would teach your daughter that even parents or in your case step parents make mistakes. By not allowing your "step" daughter (and yes you make sure it is clear- step) the freedom to bring her girlfriend into your home, you in my opinion are making a mistake. You say "I think I am at least tolerant of it. In the past I have had many wonderful friends who have chosen to live differently then how I believe we should." well that sounds a bit hypocritical! Its okay for your friends but not your husbands daughter?? I would think that you would love your step daughter as if she were your own, and in doing so should be behind her regardless of choices. You do not have to agree with her but don't deny your other daughter the right to know about differences! You act like you are trying to protect your youngest but again in my opinion your will just end up teaching her that its not okay to accept someone for being different. By the way by asking your husband to not allow her girlfriend into the house not only are you probably making her unaccepted by you, and probably uncared for and frankly not understood but dragging her father into it is pretty low!

Now aside from my opinion above why don't you try taking a step back, and try to understand that EVERYONE is different. Try teaching your toddler that it is okay, teach her that she doesn't have to agree with everyone else's choices but that doesn't make them wrong.

If nothing else as her to have respect for you (not that you seem to have much for her or her feelings) and your beliefs and not act inappropriately in front of her baby sister. I think that shed understand that a little bit more than the way you are handling the situation now!

Answer 3

you're not being fair to anyone by imposing your beliefs on them in this way. If women do it for your step daughter then you need to just accept that and accept the girlfriend as part of the family. After all, she could very well be around for a long time if their relationship is "the real thing". She should be allowed into the house but they should be respectful of you by not being sexual in front of you or your toddler. After all, your husband is also a member of your household and i'm sure he wants to have a good relationship with his daughter and whoever it is she chooses to be with. He should have an equal say in this whether he wants to be "head of the household" or not.

Answer 4

Linzer.... Feel for you, really do...

Your thoughts about your toddler and her step-sister is valid... but, if she is in a stable, loving home, and if you treat the relationship your step daughter and her partner are having in the same way as you would be expecting ANY of your non-married adult children to behave in your home, then, I doubt you need to worry about the youngest daughter, for now.

And no.... homosexuality is NOT "contageous"... but, when we see ANYONE doing something in their life as an adult when there are younger children or siblings, we parents tend to want to curb certain actions or thoughts to develop before they are old enough to deal with those things.... bet you those parents whom are homosexual also tend to do the same thing in many area's as the rest of us do....correct?

My daughter-in-law is "Bi" and she is quite open to her family about that...and...Well, one of my daughters told me to go to my daughter-in-laws home-space site to see some pics of my 2 pre-k grand-children...I did, and was looking the site over curiously and went down to see the comments of friends on her page...

Saw a bunch by my daughter-in-law's teen aged sister... and could have cried when I saw her content! For a few days, it weighed heavy on my mind!

However, being a mom of 4 plus many of their their past friends, lol, I know that kid's will say and do a LOT of things that doesn't mean what the hearer thinks it does...lol, been a child myself once :)

I do understand.... but, with my grandchildren (ALL OF THEM) and any other child, I have to just place this in God's hands and not look for trouble or cause any :) You know what I mean... sometimes if we would have kept our mouths shut we may have avoided the very thing we didn't want to happen to cause unrest in our families! :)

I have been found "Guilty" more than once too :(

Go to the Lord with this... Just treat this as any other relationship and lay some ground rules... don't keep her partner from comming to your home...just tell them that if they come, they abide by the rules and leave it up to them about visiting...and, when the time comes that your youngest daughter starts asking questions... Just relax, and treat this as you should anything else....take it one day at a time and go to the Lord with all concerns. :)

Peace be with you all :)

Answer 5

The guidelines are the same for all couples. Being over affectionate in public is rude. As for the influence concern, there are no activities, treatment or exposure that makes someone gay. They just are.

Answer 6

Homosexuality isn't contagious, you know.
If you treat your stepdaughter with disrespect and repugnance, that is what your toddler will learn...that it is okay to disregard the feelings of people who don't agree with you and to banish them from your life.
If you show your daughter that tolerance is a virtue, and respect that your stepdaughter has the right to live differently than what you would choose to do...that is what your toddler will see. When she is older you can explain that you don't agree with everything your stepdaughter does, but you do not shun her or hate her for it.

Answer 7

It should not matter who she is dating. Think of her relationship the same as if she dated boys. You have rules in your home that are to be followed and respected. Tell her what you just told us, be honest. Your husband must be included in this conversation. She needs to see that this is how he wants home to be like also.

Answer 8

how does your husband feel about the situation? that is really going to be a driving force in what is or is not acceptable in your home.

i do think it's lame that you made your husband talk to his daughter, versus the two of you as a united family discussing the matter like adults.

what message will that send to your daughter about hetero/Christian relationships??

get your own house in order before you judge others to be in sin...

Answer 9

Give everyone a break and let them be who they want to be.

Especially your youngest.

Don't fill her head with nonsense about a judgmental punishing God.

Let her find God her own way without the limitations religion tries to impose on our relationship with God.

Just be a mom to all of them. Just love them, That's all any of them need from you anyway.

love and blessings Don

Answer 10

Yeah, you wouldn't want your grandaughter exposed to two people who love each other now would you?
And for the record, she's your stepdaughter. You have ZERO influence or right to dictate terms to her.