I think I'm going to go through with killing myself?

Question

I'm just self-reflecting on my life and I have difficulty processing how things turned out the way they are. My youth has been miserable as long as I can remember. I don't recall a single happy memory. I am 20 yrs old and I hate how my life has turned out. I was always sad, lonely. I feel I'm all alone with no friends and social life. I never experienced the things other people had my age. My family was broken. But what really really bothers me is there were many chances in which my life could have turned out great had my parents told me about it. But its like my parents kept me ignorant to these solutions. They treated me like a child all the time. I hate my parents for this. I could have moved out and lived with my aunt and uncle and be happier but they blew it away. They didn't even inform me. Everyday I fantasize how much life could be better and sometimes I think about it so much I think I go insane. Sometimes fake memories come about on my youth.

But you know what really hurts? When you see other people living the life you really want to have. I mean not being rich, not being famous.
Just being normal and happy. I envy those who had have friends, girlfriends and a happy youth. It kills me inside because I know I can never have that experience. I feel so left out, like an outcast. I don't see the purpose of living without that.

I don't know who to talk to. I talked to my aunt and mom that I was feeling down. But I don't think they understand that I missed out on life so much. Not even a counsellor might understand me

i just like to add. When I feel like killing myself I don't want to do it out of spite of others. Thats just letting them win. In fact I hope that my loved ones can get over it quickly. I don;t want to hurt anyone. Plus my parents don't even live in the same country as me anymore. My aunt who is my close relative barely knows me but she is taking care of my financial needs in school.
I just look back and recall hollow and grey scenes and memories and then it feels like my chest is getting crushed. I really don't want to hurt other people. I just want restart everything.

Answer 1

My bro tried to commit suicide last year. My sister has tried twice. I went to the hospital instead of trying. We had a horrible childhood, where we honestly felt our lives were in danger (my dad is certifiable). The chemical imbalance caused by the always-surging adrenalin has left us all hyper-vigilant and depressed from lack of decent sleep. We had horrible memories from our childhood. But, one thing that has kept me on this earth is I'm too stubborn to give up.

I want to tell you something I learned about life. Do you know that the past isn't supposed to have control of your life? I never really thought about it until one day, when I was driving home from therapy. When anything ever happened to me in the present, I'd look to my past for answers. And they were always depressing and inappropriate for my "present existence". If you want to change your life, you are the ONLY one who can make that change. If you choose to, you can let today be the first day of your life and NOT let anything from the past taint your "present". You're an adult now, able to make decisions on your own. You can choose to hold on to the bad memories and the way you feel cheated out of good experiences or you can be the person you want to be. Do you want to be depressed all the time, or do you want to leave the past where it belongs and concentrate on your future?

You can't help what happened to you in the past because you were a child. But, now that you are an adult, you are in control. You decide what you want. You decide where you live, where you work, with whom you socialize, -- every thing. Do you want to go on being unhappy, or do you want to make a difference in your own life that can change you for the better?

You can hate how your life is now, but the only way it will get better is if you decide to make it better. Your parents have no say about it anymore. You have to take charge of your happiness.

I was where you are now. But, when I figured out that I am in control of my life and I am the one responsible for the way I treat people and for how I want them to treat me, things changed for the better. If you don't like the way your parents treat you, you don't have to even acknowledge their existence. If you don't like your job, you can get another one or go to school in order to get a promotion or better job. If you don't like where you live, you can move. It's all up to you now. Your parents made rotten decisions for you when you had no control over it. Don't let their control continue to hurt you. The best revenge is success. So, whatever you do, try your best. I want to teach you something that helped me. It's gonna sound stupid, but it works. Find one thing each day to be thankful for. It doesn't matter what it is. Be thankful the sun rose, be thankful the stars are shining, be thankful you have lungs to breathe with, be thankful for anything at all. Each night, do this before you sleep.

And one thing physically you can do is SMILE. It instantly gives you a "lighter" feeling. Smile a few times a day. Watch funny shows or movies. Anything at all you can do to brighten your day, do it. Don't let the past dictate your emotions today. The past doesn't exist anymore. If you find yourself getting into the downward spiral, pull yourself out. Do something, anything legal, that you can do to make yourself happier. It is your choice now whether you are happy or not. Don't let your past make your future dim. It can't have power over you unless you give it that power. Deny it the power in your present and it can no longer have control.

You can do this!
I hope you can get help -- whether through books or therapy -- and feel better soon.

Answer 2

Call 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433) This is the HopeLine for those facing difficult issues in their life and have or are currently contemplaiting suicide. There is nothing so horrible that death is the best solution. There is always some help someplace. I am not just being optimistic here and blowing a bunch of sunshine and rainbows your way...you honestly sound like a very depressed person and could benifit from a friend or kind voice on the other end of the phone. Pick up the phone and call the number. Do it for yourself...because the only person that benefits from this is you. I can't make you call this number, but I hope you will. Please call someone...a pastor of any church would be glad to talk to you, you can call the hospital and speak to any nurse on duty, go down to the homeless shelter and volunteer in the soup kitchen...its a little difficult to feel bad about your own life when you see some of these people who literally face death everyday and just want a warm plate of food and a place to feel safe. Count your blessings that you have a family. They may not be as loving as you would have hoped for but none the less they are your family. You are an adult now, so make your life what you want it to be. Don't dwell on how badly you had it in the past. Its in the past now and no matter how often you revisit those memories nothing will change...you will always get depressed. Move ahead and look toward the future. Find hope for yourself. Buy a dog if you are able to afford to care for one. The love you receive from a pet is unconditional. They don't care if you are handsome, pretty, rich, poor, athletic, fat, single, married, orphaned, homeless or an alcoholic. They just love you for who you are and want the same in return. This animal could be your salvation. Think about what I said.

Answer 3

PLEASE PLEASE DON'T DO IT! Your parents have let you down, yes. it is tragic, but killing yourself is NOT the answer! YOU ARE SOOOOO YOUNG! You have your entire life ahead of you and I promise you it can get better!! I am Bi-polar and lived with it until I was in my 30's and suffered terribly. I got help, and so can you. If I knew at 20 what I know now, my life would have been totally different. There is so much to live for. You don't have a girlfriend, but it doesn't mean you can't, You can have anything you want if you are willing to work for it! First, go see a counselor and get some help. Then, think of enrolling in college, even a Jr. college is a great start - and DO NOT TELL ME YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT! As an independant student, there are GRANTS, Loans etc.. I did it when I was older than you are with a baby, so I know you can do it too. If you need to move out and haven't yet, now is the time to do it. Get yourself a job, anything to keep you busy and help build yourself esteem. You will make friends and no, many of them won't last forever, but it is a beginning. Becoming independant is the beginning, school will help you set goals and determine what you want your future to be. Best of all, your future does not have to be ANYTHING like the past you lived through. It may be time to sever ties with family now, not forever, but for a while. You need to get healthy and grow on your own without their emotional baggage. There is nothing you can do about the past, you can't change it, but you CAN MAKE YOUR FUTURE ANYTHING YOU WANT IT TO BE! SO GO FOR IT!! Don't give up, life is just beginning! God Bless you!

Answer 4

Brother, when I read your main story, I could only miror myself inside you. Me, I am 19 and I will be 20 in 3 months. Me too, am very depressed and sometimes want to kill myself. Me too, have never had the true relationship or romance or even if I did, it was a total failiure. My parents too, ignored my solutions and treated me like a child. I not only suffer from depression, but I feel that I have also emotionally become repulsive and boring around women.

But here's the thing. Although I hated my teenage year, I forget about it. I tell myself that I am still young, and I can find my own solutions without my parents. I will have a healthy nutrition from now on. I excersise or ride my bicycle or workout (it helps!). And most importantly mate, forget the past. I think of my future ahead of me.

Trust me man! my life concurs with your lifestyle as well; I know what your going through. But I have found the solution. The solution us to root out the reason you have these problems. Then, eliminate them one by one. When all of them are destroyed, you can start from 0 towards the positive side (like math).

Never hurt yourself (especially physically) because your body is your boat in this life and you don't want to sink it more, let it heal and fly above the water.

Answer 5

Listen what you are going through right now is very hard, but from reading what you are saying, killing yourself and giving up won't make things better. What will make things better is taking control of your life in a different way. Make your life worth living. Do whatever you have to do to do it. Yell at who you need to yell at, be mad, be angry, but then make some positive changes for yourself.
What you should be thinking about is how you can make theses changes. What would you have to do to get what would make you happy? Everyone can obtain happiness, if they work on things. Killing yourself is just giving up.
The first step you should take, is talkng to someone you trust about how you feel. Whether it's an aunt, uncle, priest, friend, whoever. Someone. Then you need to speak possibly with a therapist, and perhaps they can help you there as well. The only person that can really help you though is yourself.
You need to realize that nothing is ever worth taking your life over. You may actually think that you haven't affected anyone's life in a good way or no one loves you, but I guarentee you someone does somewhere. Whether you realize it or not.
I do sincerely hope that everything turns around for you, and it really can if you just give it a chance. Just don't give up your life over it. There is no need for anyone to lose their life so unnecessarily.

Answer 6

Dude, a lot of us understand what it's like to feel so down that you want to end your life - a lot of us. But, what can we do about it if you feel the same? Can we run to you and make everything okay? We can't, we don't even know where you are.
I have had to fight suicidal feelings for quite a few years now. You can't change the past - it's done. You CAN change the future though. That is completely in your hands to make. If you are always fixating on how miserable you are going to be, guess what - that' exactly where you are going.

Have you ever noticed, that when you ride a horse, the horse will automatically walk to the place you are looking? The horse can't see your eyes, but by turning your head, looking at the edge of the cliff, you are slowly, slowly moving the reins to that side. The horse will walk over the cliff eventually.

You need to start fixating on your opportunities and your potential. Don't be afraid to take chances and make things happen. Write me back - the story of my life is a perfect example, but it's too long (and too personal) to share here. I have created my life after it was virtually gone. I still deal with a lot of loneliness problems and self-esteem issues, but I WILL NOT lay down and let my life pass me. Bit by bit, I'm taking my life back. You can do it too, man.

Answer 7

we can talk if you need a friend. [e-mail]

remember that this life is for you and no one else. I also had a bad childhood full of unhappiness, moving around, abuse (verbal and physical) yet somehow I made it. went to therapy for 2 years, took medicine, and tried my damndest to the best I could for MYSELF. not for mom, dad, or anyone else who had hurt me in the past. they break you but only you can fix yourself...and when you do, yuo become a stronger person. I too feel envious of those people, or at least I used to. Now I just do things I enjoy and look at the positives in life. I live for myself and try to be kind to others. Suicide isnt an option now, because I have developed "coping mechanisms." Suicide becomes an option when your problems overwhelm your "coping mechanisms" and the only "possible solution" (in your eyes) is ending your life. Its not death that you want, its relief from suffering. I understand. Your life can be better but only if you have the courage and determination to make it that way. Think about things that make you happy. Its easy to make friends. This is coming from someone who has severe social anxiety and am shy. People are usually friendlier than you expect, and if they are not...you wouldnt want to be their friend anyway. My parents treat/treated me like a child but now I am building my own maturity. They do not have to assign it to me, I will be my own person...Broken family here, too. Parents hate each other, speak maybe 30 minutes a week. Dont even sleep in the same room. Many fights growing up, messed up my head pretty bad. But I made it. You can too. Good luck.

Answer 8

As long as you're living with the people that mistreat you will be unhappy. You're young, there are lots of opportunities ahead of you. Think positive, you can do it. I was married with three children, and I don't have money when I leave the marriage. I ran away from the people that mistreat me. I was thirty two years old when I ran away. Now I will be forty seven years old on the twenty eight of this month. I am alone I don't have a family with me because I am originally from the Philippines, and my children were adopted when I was very sick because of the abuse that my children went through during visitation to get even with me for leaving him. I am a lot happier now than being with the people that mistreat me even though I am alone. What I did was run away to the shelter for battered women. There are shelter design for children I mean young adults like you. You can go to this places and support yourself on your own. This places will help you start a new life. Make plans how you can support yourself on your own. You have a dream reach for that dream,
and you will be happy like I am today.

Answer 9

I know it is hard. But, you are an adult now. You make the decision on how your going to live YOUR life. If you don't want a broken family, make one of your own that isn't broken. I reccomend counseling so someone can help you make sure you can have a child that is happier than you were. and you can be happy with them.

Remember, you are only 20. Try pretending (only for a little while) the past never happened and focus on what you want for your next 20 years. Would you like to prevent other people from going through the same problems you had? Killing yourself won't help them. What will help them is if you decide to live, decide to live a better life, and decide to make things better for others as well- if you want.

I know you feel alot of pain. But when I am upset I think about how people work to keep their fish alive- that do nothing for them but sit there- and I remember that my life is more important than a fish's life.

I reccomend going to your doctor and trying an antidepressant as well as going to a clinic or community mental health center for counseling. Your life is worth it. Don't let your past eat you alive.

You are worth it.

Try 1-800-SUICIDE to talk to someone who cares now.

Answer 10

I know the feeling of looking back on what you wish you had and knowing you can never get it. But that's true of so many things in life. What you have left is what counts. You are old enough now to take charge and begin to get what you need. One of the first things you need is help dealing with your depression and anger. A counselor and some medication would be a good start. See, if you kill yourself, it's all over and you will have taken your anger at your parents out on yourself. Though they may grieve for your death, you won't be around to enjoy it. So get some help and start living a happier life, one that you won't want to give up so easily.

Answer 11

Sounds like you really need to speak with a counselor or someone. You are 20 years old there is soo much more life to live. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and turn your life around now. Don't live in the past there is nothing you can do to change the past but look towards the future there is many things to choose from just step out there and make the first move. Good luck with everything and don't worry things can only get better.