How do you tell a neighbor you don't want daily pop-in visits?

Question

My neighbor comes over almost daily uninvited. It is usually when I just sit down to relax, and I don't always feel like visiting. No subtle hints work. No matter what I say, she just comes on in anyway. Not answering the door doesn't work either, because if she sees my car, she lets her dog come through my doggy door, on it's leash, until I come to the door, and my dog starts going nuts. If that doesn't work then she goes home and calls. When I have tried telling her I don't feel like visiting, she acts hurt. I know she is lonely, and I wouldn't mind her visiting sometime, but would prefer she call first. It also isn't a short 10 minute visit -- on weekends she sometimes stays close to an hour! I don't want to hurt her feelings. How should I handle this?

Answer 1

"I'm sorry; this isn't a good time for me to visit. I hope we can have a good visit some other day. It's best for you to call before coming over; that way I can make sure that I'm ready to receive you."

Answer 2

I agree with cindos: being nice hasn't worked so far and it won't. So if you really want to get rid of this pest, you have to take drastic actions. Is it possible that you go out at least 1-2 days during the times she usually finds you at home? Probably even without your car. So she rings and rings the bell and gets no answer.... cuz you're not there. Or just PRETEND you went out, by really not answering when she knocks, taking your dog where your neighbor's dog cannot bug him and not picking the phone.... she will either have to take the hint or think that you really aren't home. You could probably also come up to the door and tell her that you're on a phone call, that you want to have privacy to finish it and that you will go to her place when you're done (which you obviously won't do). If none of this works, you really will have to tell her that you're very tired after work and need some time for yourself, and that you will gladly pay a visit when you feel like doing so --- it has nothing to do with her, it's just that YOU need to be alone. What if she comes by at a time when a friend of yours is visiting? Would you let her come in just like that? No, because she'll be invading your privacy... so use the same logic even if you're alone, and don't let her step over your boundaries!! Good luck....

Answer 3

Always answer the door. Open it enough to say, "Sorry, this isn't a good time." (With and optional "Call me Thursday, and we can visit then.") Then close the door.

Next time you do feel like visiting with her, mention that you'd rather she call you, to see if it's a good time to come over. Be apologetic about wanting her to call, as though it's just a loony quirk of yours. That will soften it, but don't let her talk you out of this.

Don't let her guilt you. Her feelings are NOT your responsibility.

Look at it this way. If you always give her your time, whether you want to or not, eventually you're going to hate seeing her EVERY time, and will never feel like visiting with her.

At some point, you'll probably do something to drive her away completely. Or you'll start being snappy with her.

These are worse things than turning her away now and then.

You don't owe your time to anyone, just because they want it.

You don't need a reason (and should never give reasons, except the vague "I can't visit now." or similar non-reasons).

You have a right to your own time, including "staring at the wall" time, if that's what you feel like doing. She doesn't need to know that's what you're about to do.

As for the length of a visit. If you know, when you let her in, that you want this one to be only a few minutes, let her know that right away.

After the time, stand up and tell her it was nice to see her, and how sorry you are that you can't visit longer, while you walk her out.

Another thing you might consider is to let her know you have chores to do, and you can visit, but you must do whatever.

Then do your chores or cook or whatever while you two chat.

That way, she gets the visit, but you also get your stuff done.

All these are, of course, for those times you actually don't mind chatting with her.

It may not be possible to not hurt her feelings, but that's not really your problem, it's hers.

As I said, you have the right to your own time. You need to protect that.

Getting to the point of wanting to throttle her is not doing either of you any favors.

Edit after reading the other answers: These people are all wrong. You don't have to be not-nice, you certainly don't have to be rude.

Nor should you explain about wanting quiet time alone, as she won't understand that. She will get all hurt, and you will cave.

Besides, you don't want to be mean or rude, do you?

Answer 4

Use tough love. You've already told her you don't always feel like visiting but when she continues to come over it seems as if you let her in. Restate to her that it bothers you when she or anyone comes over uninvited and that you will not answer the door for uninvited guests from now on. If she comes over again uninvited don't pretend not to be home, talk to your dogs so she knows you are there but don't talk to her through the door and don't open the door - unless she is extraordinarily thick she will get the message.

Answer 5

You can't be nice anymore, because being nice is getting you nowhere with your pushy neighbor. Seal off the doggy door, lock your doors so she can't just barge on in, and don't answer the phone when she calls. If these not so subtle hints don't work, then you'll have no choice but to come out and say look, if you want to visit, you'll have to call first and this everyday nonsense has to stop. I enjoy visiting SOMETIMES, but I have my own life.

Answer 6

You have every right to be rude.
It is your home, and she is pushing every limit!
When you tried to tell her nicely, she didn't get the hint.
Next time she comes just say something along the lines of "Listen, you come daily and while I appreciate it, sometimes I just don't feel like it. If I don't answer the door, that obviously means I don't want anyone to come over and its nothing personal. Meaning I also don't want your dog bothering me or you calling after i don't answer! Like I said, I don't mind it every once in a while, but you have to ask first..." or something....

Answer 7

I don't think you can exactly do this without hurting her feelings a little bit. Just tell her that you need some you time, and that you're busy as of late. Say that you do appreciate her taking time to visit, but to call before she comes to make sure you're not doing anything.

Answer 8

you have to hurt her feelings. you shouldn't make this a complicated thing either. the next time she does it tell her you were relaxing and remind her to call first before she stops by then send her on her way. the more you stress over how she's feeling the more your missing the fact that she's completely ignoring how you re feeling. don't allow her to walk over you. next time calmly and casually crack the door open and not let her in and tell her you were busy relaxing and remind her to call first.

Answer 9

Wait for her to let her dog through the doggy door and then pepper spray it. She'll get the message after that.

Answer 10

Go to her (don't wait for another visit) and tell her exactly how you feel. Believe me we all have that annoying neighbor, just say sometimes I'd like sometime to myself. I really like you but when I want to spend time with you I'll let you know. Don't worry about how she feels because she will understand.

Just pull her aside and let her know everything.