I am 18 years old and I was raped around 5 months ago. As a result of that, I am pregnant. I've decided to keep the baby. No matter the way he/she was conceived, it's still my baby. With the help of my wonderful family and friends, I can give my child a good life even though I'm so young. My mom had offered up the idea of adoption, but that would make the situation worse...well, it would to me anyway.
My question is, when he/she starts asking about his/her father what do I say? Obviously I can't tell what happened when he/she is young...but what about when he/she (sorry for all the he/shes but I don't want to say "it") is older? I guess I'll have to to tell what happened but it's just an awful and terrible thing to have to tell anybody. I know I have plenty of time before I have to tell him/her anything, but it's on my mind....
Any general advice for me?
2007-09-17 11:34:57 · 25 answers · asked by Angie 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Thank you all so much for your kind words. I will be sure to choose a best answer, though it will be hard because you all deserve best...
2007-09-23 07:01:38 · update #1
i met a lady that was in your situation. not only was she raped..but she had twins..and the rapist was obviously of a different race. although she was not prejudice..it complicated things with family and friends. she gave those twin boys nothing but love.. her..time ... and world centered around them. they are now healthy..intelligent ..little sportman.. with impeccable manners. her family loves those boys to death. they are now about 14. they know that mom was not in a relationship with dad.. and she was not willing partner. she left out the details.. however they know that mom and rest of family have enough love for them. it does not matter. she also pointed out good traits.. they had,.that did not come from her. whiz at spelling etc. so she let them know that there were good genes and traits from dad..and he was not all bad. that is important that child does not think that he or she will grow up to be monster..like dad. that is very important that child knows..it was a huge mistake..not nice what dad did.. however u do not want them waiting for demons to surface from inside them. i commend you for wanting to keep your baby. it would be a difficult decision for anyone to make.
2007-09-22 04:01:06 · answer #1 · answered by foosieboy1953 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I'm terribly sorry that happened to you, sweetie. It's something no one should ever have to go through.
Second, you're being really brave and strong in keeping the child. It's a sign of such a strong, wonderful person, and you're going to be a great mother.
You're right, you can't tell your child when he or she is young. What you say is really up to you, but you're going to have to make sure that your family/friends understand what you will be saying. You have at least a couple of years (or more!) before you'll have to worry about this-- and anyone else you meet after this who asks can be resoundly smacked or told "He's not in my life now." (IF you decide to even ANSWER that question!!).
As for your child, when he or she is little, you can just say "Daddy can't be with us now." And if they ask where he is, you can be honest-- "I don't know." And then explain that some families are made up of mommies, some of daddies, some of mommies and daddies, but all families are special and good.
Later on, when the child is older, there may be a need to tell the child, but there may not! Some day, when your child is an adult, there may be. It's not needed before then. When the time comes, you can tell your child that first of all, I love you so much that I didn't care that your dad wasn't around or that I was young-- I wanted you, and I wanted to give you a good life. That's so comforting. Then you'll have to gently explain, in "quiet" terms, what happened. Mind you, the decision is still yours. You don't "have" to tell. That's YOUR life story, and she or he may never need to know if you don't want him or her to.
Give yourself time, and know that you are doing a very strong and wonderful thing. God bless and all the best.
2007-09-23 06:36:14 · answer #2 · answered by LJG 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately I don't think there is an answer? Everyone situation is unique and depending on your honesty and the support of the people around you will determine what your answer to your child will be. I do have to say it seems you have really thought about alot of issues that you are going to have to deal with. I do have to agree with your mothers suggestion of adoption, because you can't say it would make the situation worse, of course unless this is something you have already been through. You and only you not a friend or someone you know but you. The fact is nobody ever knows how a situation like yours or any situation of any kind will affect us until we have or are going through it. You have no control of your hormonal or emotional state your mind and or body will be in after the baby is born. I know this sounds cruel but have you thought about the possibility that you might have resentment towards the child once he or she is here? Again you can't really say you won't, you can hope you wouldn't and you can try with all your heart not to but it happens , not ever blaming the mom but mabey for selfish reasons you didn't give the idea of open adoption a fair chance. Good luck to you I hope for the best for you and any decision you make. You are brave for considering you options most just act trying to escape what has happened to them. No one decision you make, will change what happened to you, just remember it's a forever decision!!!!!
Sincerly,
hldngn@yahoo.com
P.S.
hope this is just a little more insight for you to think about.
2007-09-17 19:51:59 · answer #3 · answered by hldngn 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it's good that you are concerend about this (eventhough u have a long time before you have to give an answer to them). I would not tell them until they are a teenager but before that I would listen to the first response (sorry, cant remember the name) and tell them that not all kids have 2 parents (and many of them are better off that way) and that does not change how special they are to you and how much you love them. i would not lie to them though and tell them that their "father" died though or anything like that because that would lead to more question like how did he die? car crash? health problems? No need to tell lies as it will only lead to more and more and if they ever find out the truth they will have a hard time forgiving you. Also when they are old enough, knowing the truth can be a way of protecting them. They know if you can be raped, then so can they and may use more caution thus preventing anything from happenind to them because they know first hand what can happen. Sorry for you pain but it sounds like it is making you a stronger person! Good luck in everything!
2007-09-17 11:57:29 · answer #4 · answered by Summer Days 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I do believe in telling children the truth. I do think you can add that the child was "wanted" by you. You can explain that just b/c things didn't turn out the way you wanted, you didn't quit. You kept the child. you loved the child. Focus on you and your child, not the father.
Not telling the child the truth is worse, I think.Dad is in France...yeah, right. Be honest. Children can handle more than we give them credit for. You're not a child, but look at you. You're no quitter, and I applaud you for it. You turned out pretty well. You are handling more than you tho't you could. true?
This is a case of something beautiful coming from something terrible. I'm sorry you were raped. I hope the guy gets justice.
2007-09-24 03:26:37 · answer #5 · answered by JerZey 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have great admiration for you. I think no matter what decision you make it will be the right one. I think when the child is old enough to understand you should tell them, but not till then and in the mean time don't go into too much detail if possible about there father(so as not to be painting a picture of a man that does not exists)
You are a strong you lady and will make a great Mum.
Good Luck.
2007-09-24 00:24:12 · answer #6 · answered by JINKS 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
well all i can say is " god bless you and your little baby", i am sorry that you had such a horrible ordeal, but when you look at your baby , the love that will bond both of you together will for ever be unbroken, you sound so sensible and caring, and you are going to be a wonderful mother, you will know when the time is right to tell your child the truth, i am glad that you have such a caring family, and all of you will be enough for your child. i believe in extended family upbringing, but always remember that you are the mother and the final decision rests with you, ask for advice along the way and take all the help you get, wishing you both a very happy life
2007-09-23 03:42:00 · answer #7 · answered by champagne 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
wow truly sorry for what happen to you, but no way I could keep a baby the was concieved that way an not even concieved by your chioce, you might have some anger towards the child later in life or at first, I'm not trying to be mean I just have seen this situation before, you werent even given choice to be preggers an now you are, An get ready for questions by the society you live in at the hospital when given birth an they ask who father is or at school or when trying to get any kinda paperwork on your child, its gonna be a constent reminder of what happened to you but I'm guessing your a strong person to want to keep that baby, so god bless you an Be well, its gonna be hard, but Look to family to help you.
2007-09-21 09:27:10 · answer #8 · answered by natascha2970 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My heart goes out to you - what a difficult time this must be for you! I so admire you for keeping your baby, and I am sure s/he will be a blessing to you, in spite of the circumstances. I would agree with many others, do not lie, but do not just baldly say "I was raped" either. There will be a middle ground, where you can say that sometimes a child only has one parent, but that you are glad to have him/her. I am sure you will be a good mother to this baby, and out of your love for this child, you will find a compassionate response.
I hope you have the support you need, to cope with what has happened to you, and with all the changes yet to come.
Wishing you all the best,
Shaz
2007-09-24 12:49:58 · answer #9 · answered by Shaz 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't lie. 18 years from now, your child might search for their parent if your child thought the father was some guy who just got you pregnant. I can't imagine what type of situation the child might find their father in down the road.
I would probably tell the child that you need to wait to tell them about their father until s/he is older, but be sure to be the one to tell your child the truth. Hearing it from an aunt or uncle or grandparent would be harder than hearing the truth from you. Make it clear to your family as well when you plan to tell your child so that they don't try to tell your child before you're ready, too.
2007-09-17 13:43:37 · answer #10 · answered by forthelifeof_me 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Aww! Honey, I'm so sorry! If you need ANYTHING, please feel free to email me or instant message me. I am here to help you! Feel free, please!
I agree with you. When (s)he is younger, obviously you cannot explain the situation, but when they get older...boy, this is a tough one. I'd say that you should probably tell them when YOU think they're ready to handle it. If you find (s)he asking about (s)he's dad, tell (s)he that you're his mom, and that's all that matters. Tell your child that you'll explain it when they get older, because that's the truth. Usually that will suffice.
I'm sorry I can't help much, but I haven't been in this situation, but I have been pregnant. I have one daughter with another on the way, and I'm some ways into the process of adopting a son, so I have a lot of experience with children. Once again, please email me. I'd love to talk with you.
I wish you the best of luck in life.
xXo
Noelle
*WithLove*3<3
2007-09-17 12:34:58 · answer #11 · answered by ♪♫Noelle© 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋