giving my child up for adoption?

Question

i just found out im pregnant....i dont want to get an abortion..but then again i know i cant give my unborn child what she/he will need...im still with my babys father and he dosent want me to get an abortion....he said if anything we will end up giving it up for adoption....how do i go about finding a family for my child?...i would like to be able to chose the family myself....and also my baby will be mixed...im 100% puertorican and my babys father is irish/italian...do people feel different about adopting a mixed baby?

im not looking for a family that will let me be in my childs life....im just looking for a family that will take amazing care of my child and give them what i wont be able to

i do have a job...and me and my babys father are both in college....we are trying to better ourselves...but when my baby is born we still wont be able to give it that it needs.....we wont have any time because we are both working our butts off and we go to college fulltime...we also dont have any insurance so we are paying for all the doctor visits out of pocket...

my parents wont be able to help me care for this child because they dies in the twin towers on sept 11th...and my boyfriends parents wont help us either...they told us they want nothing to do with the child because its mixed...they think their son should be with a while girl and not me since im puerto rican.....

Answer 1

I'm going to repeat myself here:


Notice all the praise you got here? Would you get the same praise if you were planning on keeping? Would people call you valiant?

The social pressure to place a baby for adoption over keeping is high. Women are exhalted to martyr status for agreeing to destroy themselves so that their child can have a "better life".

People praise "birthmothers" for their great self sacrafice and strength, and there is still a large stigma against parenting if you are single/low income/young.

Remember that you are not a birthmother yet. If when you hold that precious baby in your arms, you feel in your heart, "I want to do everything I can in my power to be there for and with this child in every way, even if it's the same as an adoptive family. Not worse, just different."

Then please, please consider that all this pressure to gain the praise of being a birth martyr will not make as much sense after you lose your child. Your reasons for placing will not make as much sense if you realize that the circumstance was not as dire as people around you kept telling you.

Just listen to this message, all these people here who don't have a CLUE who you are, or what your situation is, are telling you that you are not good enough to be a mother and the best thing you can do is give your child to someone else.

How on earth would they know that adoption is the BEST decision for your child?

I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't place. If you are homeless, planning on living with a boyfriend who is known for beating you and kids, using hard drugs...etc...

There may be a situation you can not over come. I don't know you. But I know myself and many many women who believed adoption was the ONLY way to give their children a loving home. And they realize that they were caught up in all the hype of everyone telling them how wonderful they are and how great of a person they are.

Eight years later, the same people will say things like, "Why would adoptees care about their birthmothers? She's not a mom, after all she just gave up her kids and didn't do anything for them, not all the hard work the adoptive parents did."

Please, do some reading from other women who have placed kids, and people who are adopted... there are many people who will help you get resources, counseling, medical, whatever we can help guide you to. Your life will never be the same after you lose a child, and what to say to your co-workers will be the last of your worries.

http://paragraphein.wordpress.com
http://musingsofthelame.blogspot.com
http://www.soulofadoption.com

Also, if you participate in forums with other women who have placed, they might have more helpful advice for you about this situation than adoptive parents, hopeful adoptive parents, adoptees, and people who have no affiliation with adoption and don't know what it's about.

None of these people know what adoption is about for the women who lose their children.

I wish you the best. I hope that you find whatever resources you feel you are lacking so that you may raise your child with confidence, and if you truly want to place your child, the only reason you do so is because you truly don't want your child, not due to lacking in resources or support.

If there is a lack of resources and support, please reach out, many of us want to help you.

Answer 2

No matter what other people say, it is you and your boyfriend's decision about whether to raise your child or make a plan of adoption for your child. My advice, is to not rush into this decision. Think about what you want for your child and what you want for yourselves. This will be one of the hardest decisions you will have to make. You do not have to decide now. Most states give a certain time for you to change your mind once you sign the paperwork for adoption and typically you cannot sign the paperwork until after the baby is born. But, it is good that you are beginning to think about it now.
If you do choose to make a plan of adoption, then there are agencies that you can contact in your state/area that will help you select a family. Many agencies nowadays have profiles that prospective adoptive parents have put together. You can review those profiles in the office or online. You can sometimes even set up a meeting with the families depending on the agency's rules. Also, many agencies provide birthparent counselors for you and your boyfriend if you need someone to talk to or listen.
In addition, you yourself might know of a family who would be willing to adopt. If you do, then you would need to contact the family or an attorney.
Or, you might know of a relative who would be willing to adopt the baby.
In regards to the baby being mixed, most prospective adoptive couples do not care if the baby is mixed. Yes, there are some who specify a particular race but there are others who just want a child. And, if you go with an agency prospective adoptive parents do not pay a different rate for babies of a certain race.
Best of luck to you and your boyfriend. You will be in my prayers.

Answer 3

First of all, you should be commended for taking such a courageous position and making this decision. By the way, if you decide ot change your mind and keep the baby later on, that doesn't make you a bad person.

I suggest contacting an adoption attorney (www.adoptionattorneys.org) and setting up an adoption plan. They will provide you with everything you need to know, as well as offer counseling before and after the birth if you should want it.

If you want to choose the family, you can. The attorney/agency will provide you with the profiles, a 10 - 20 page "marketing brochure" for the potential adoptive parents, and you will choose the people that will adopt your child.

Who isn't mixed in this country anymore?? Even "full blooded" people probably have a mix somewhere in the family.

Answer 4

I first of all wanted to say that I think giving your baby up for adoption can be a great thing. Its a very giving thing that your doing for your child's future because you know that you cannot provide for it in the ways that a baby's needs. Adoption can be a beautiful thing and can provide a loving family with a child that they so desperatley want. As for your question, I think there are many people out there that would love to have a baby regardless if the baby is mixed or not. Secondly sometimes instead of having a stranger adopting your child maybe you could have someone in your family adopt it. Someone maybe like a distant cousin,aunt or uncle or even a friend. That way you know more about the people that you are giving the child to and the family might be more flexable in letting you have contact with the child. Good luck with your choice and choose the decision that is right for you and what your heart tells you to regardless of other peoples opionions.

Answer 5

Hey hun. I am 21 years old and know completely know what you are going through. I recently gave my baby up about 4 weeks ago. I am not gunna tell you not to or what to do but it honestly is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and still going through. Right now I feel as if I made a huge mistake but I am praying that this is just the process. Just make this is really what you want. Its feels has if you have lost something forever. I would really really get some counseling before because honestly it will hit you like a ton a bricks after. Anyways, I chose the family for my baby and I am really close with them and they are good people. So that makes it a little bit better. Good luck with everything!

Answer 6

Have you considered family adoption? This process is fairly streamlined and can almost be done as a "do it yourself" sort of thing. If this is not an appealing option for you, then contact your local crisis pregnancy center; look in the phone book under abortion alternative;

Some people use want ads and online searches to find birth parents and adoptive homes; I have no experience with this. If you deal with an agency, make sure it has a history and all of the appropriate licenses

This is a big big step; as an adoptive parent I applaud your decision. Good luck to you

Answer 7

Here's what you have to remember: your baby will want to know who you are. A mother is a powerful person in anyone's life, and so is a father. Adopted children always want to meet or contact their biological parents at some point. You will be special in her or his life for that reason. Even if the baby is raised by parents who adopt.
Puerto Rican/ Irish Italian is not such a dramatic mix of heritages, I don't think. Do not be surprised if, after carrying your baby to term and feeling life grow within you to emerge as a blend of you and your boyfriend's features, you change your mind about adoption. And don't feel bad about it if you do change your mind about adoption. It is not for everybody.
Also, I urge you to get a grip on the finances involved. Right now, you should be looking into low-cost insurance and state programs for low-income mothers. Your baby needs medical visits while in the womb. So do you. Don't try to do this with cold cash when there may be a program for unwed mothers that takes care of this. It's not a luxury, it's a necessity.
The biggest expense you will have with a baby is child care. If you and your boyfriend share that, or have relatives who want to help, you can make it until you both are working. Disposable diapers are expensive, cloth diapers are less expensive but mean more laundry.
I can tell you that when I had my second child, I realized that there were a lot of things I bought for the first child that I could have gotten second hand from relatives ( a crib that is sturdy and safe is absolutely important but I can't think of anything else that I would ever buy new...) or at a yard sale. In particular, baby clothing! I breast fed and never had to bottle feed.

Answer 8

So you're pregnant, well sorry to have to say this to you but, if both yourself and the father are healthy and young why can't you keep the baby. It's an inconvience for you both is it? You want your freedom? Before you do anything I suggest you read 'Coming home to self' by Nancy Newton Verrier. This book will let you know what you are about to do and what effect that it will have on your baby. ONLY YOU CAN GIVE YOUR UNBORN BABY WHAT SHE/HE NEEDS. Nobody else in the world is ideally suited as you for that role. All that baby need is YOU and your LOVE. Nothing else. I know that this may sound tough but believe me adoption isn't the perfect solution that it's said to be. Ask any mixed up, insecure, low self-esteem, nervous, introverted, unsure, hurt kid/adult who's been adopted.

Answer 9

Releasing you child for adoption is one of the most UNSELFISH things you could do. Many young couples who want children agonize for a child. The child would be loved and cared for. You may even look into an "open adoption" where as you have say in picking the parents. You look through profiles and meet prior to the birth. The birth parents will keep you in the loop as the child grows. My best wishes to you, and God bless you and your child. You are on the right track.

Answer 10

I think most people these days just want an infant, so if you can line up an open adoption for you and your baby it would benefit everyone.

I was going to openly adopt when I thought I couldn't conceive. (I am still open to adopting one day!)

Go through an organization that facilitates open adoptions, where you can choose parents who have had home studies done.

It should be a fairly simple procedure, once you pick a family.

Try www.adoption.org for starters!

Good luck, and I hope you find a family that allows you to be in the child's life! I think adoptions are most successful that way!

Answer 11

I suggest that you get counseling at your school's health services and talk to your parents before you contact agencies to be sure that adoption is what you want. If you decide to pursue adoption, I also suggest that you have a backup plan to parent your child in case you have a change of heart after you give birth. For example, are your parents willing to step in and help with your child while you finish school? Adoption is a decision that needs to be made all over again after you see and hold your child. I read that about 50% of the parents who are planning an adoption change their minds after birth - you want to be prepared for that possibility.