Is my husband trying to sabotage my mental health improvements?

Question

I've been dealing with depression over several bouts of cancer. I decided to seek professional help. I've seen two psychiatrists now and they both say my husband is sabotaging my improvements so that he can keep me in control. They claim that he prefers that I am depressed as he has more freedoms when I depressed. For instance, when I am happy and smiling, he has a habit of getting right in my face and saying, "I caught you! You're smiling and depressed people aren't allowed to do that!" On repeated occasions, I've told him that I don't like it. We will have plans to do something that day, but after he does this several times, I get depressed. At that point he tells me that since I'm depressed, he's going to make other plans to go out with the guys for game of golf or to the bar to drink. Do you agree/disagree with the psychiatrists? I am too close to this situation to decide.

All of these answers are great. I didn't get back from my last round of tests in time to renew, and Yahoo put it up for vote. I agree that I will need to find out why my husband 'needs' me to be depressed and sick, and then make decisions that are in my best interests. Thank you.

Answer 1

I agree with what the others have said. Maybe think about this question too:

Why does he NEED to do or say that?

He doesn't. So it's not like it's something he keeps forgetting. He knows exactly what he is doing. You are smiling and happy, and he wants to remind you of depression. He knows you don't like it and he does it anyway, repeatedly in fact.

This is no different than the people who sabotage other person's diets or personal goals. Do you know why they do that? They dont want the other person to get slimmer than them or be more successful.

This is an issue of him trying to control you. I agree with the psychiatrists. I have a feeling that you already know this yourself, and you are wanting validation from others.

Answer 2

Relax - he is just being a man! When he asked about your exercises he was just trying to show some interest - and be supportive. When he mentioned the crunches he was trying to be helpful. He backtracked on the crunches because he didn't want you to feel bad. Don't lose anything up there - is classic man! Before you started losing weight - was he ever the sort to say wow you are looking good? He is in a difficult position, if he is too enthusistic about your losing weight then that could sound as if he is dissatisfied with how you are now. If he isn't enthusiastic then he isn't being supportive. How can he win? If he is trying to stop you exercising - or he is bringing you chocolates and ice cream then view that as sabotage. otherwise you just have a typical man about!

Answer 3

I think your husband needs to go to one of your counseling sessions b/c based on what you've written, it sounds like he doesn't know much about depression in general. As far as sabotaging you, I don't know. Ask him to go w/ you to a counseling session. If he declines, then that's a big indicator that he's not interested in what's going on w/ you and may in fact not want you to improve.

Honestly, go with what your feelings tell you. You're married to this man, ask yourself what kind of person he is, and if he is the type that would sabotage your recovery.

Good luck and don't let anyone or anything come in between you and the road to recovery. Your husband should support you wanting to get better. If he doesn't, then you have to ask yourself why.

Answer 4

Here' an idea - I suggest you try this.
Next time this happens (when he says he "caught" you being happy ... say "Yes, I am - let's toast my happiness with a glass of water (or whatever you can drink at this point) and do something fun together!"
If he supports you in this - but suggesting something you can do together to hold on to your happy moment, then I think he just an emotional ditz (typical male). If he then trys to unhook you from being happy, I'm with the Psychs - he likes his 'freedom' too much to want to support you in getting well......

Answer 5

if the way you say it is how it really is and not just your perception of how it is i'd have to agree with the psychiatrists. maybe a group counselling session(you, husband, and therapist) is in order to help figure why your husband does this as its not a compassionate way to treat a spouse regardless of health problems. cancer is bad enough, you don't need extra help in feeling bad. as selfish as it sounds(and this will) spouses of cancer patients can "feel" like they are victims because things aren't as wonderful as they were before the cancer. maybe the sex-life has deminished, the home cooked meals are now fast food, etc. but don't mistake what i'm saying...you're the one who needs him to help support you. ask your therapist about this and try to find ways for him to see your perspective. if he had cancer and you acted as he is acting he'd probably feel how you do. best of luck with your treatment and also with getting him back on your side.

Answer 6

i totally agree with the doctores and from the sounds of it so do you... your husband is afraid of what will happen when you discover that you are a real person and have feelings.. and just maybe a few ambitions,, get better,.. and then get a better husband..

Answer 7

I agree totally! That is horrible what he does! I think he's the one that needs help! I hate people like that!
I hope you get things streightend out. You dont diserve that!

Answer 8

all you have to do is read your question hun

when ya'll have plans he gets in your face until you break then he goes out with the guys

I agree with your Docs hubby needs to shape up

Answer 9

Sounds as if he prefers your depression -- it's a familiar place for him -- HE DOESN'T LIKE CHANGE......and he's selfish!