Mother in denial, how do you deal with it?

Question

As children my siblings & I suffered abuse from our father, more hurtful was the ingnorance of our mum, the fact she never stopped him or protected us. Shes divorced him & ever since she's acted like a victim, she's completely self involved and only remembers her pain. My brother and sis have little at all to do with her, nor do I, only our youngest sis sees her on a day to day basis. Last night it was her birthday and as usual the drunken conversation drifted to talking about "him" I must point out that my little sister raised the issue, not me. My mum started saying stuff about our past that was complete lies, she basically rewrote our history, I should of walked out but i'm stubborn and had to put her right, I ended the night talking my big sister and she told me my mum thinks i'm really screwed up because i keep "keep causing arguements" about it. I'm so mad at her, its never me that raises the issue but I cant not argue back with her when shes lieing!what do i do?

Terliuke: my father was abusive to my mum too and we watched it, she has the right to be angry and hurt but not the right to claim we're the ones that are messed up and shes the ONLY victim, she had the choice wether too leave or stay,we didnt. AT the end of the day, my other two sibling and I are over it, we dont dwell on it usually, we've all got successful lives despite our past, but none of us should have to put up with her denying what happened to us and acting like she was the only one to suffer. My problem isnt being messed up about my past, its my mother being a liar and blaming me for thing i did not do (always being the starter of these fights) and labelling me a screw up because i dont accept her lies, crazy thing is she wont have these conversations with the others, only me. :S

Answer 1

Tell your Mom, "I know you are hurt, all of us are hurting, can we please put this behind us, so we can go forward and try to start having a more positive outlook on life?"

I wouldn't go near her when she's drinking, you CANNOT talk any sense to a drunk.
Catch her when she's sober to do this.
None of us "want to argue with our mothers or fathers", so instead tell her you and all of you set up a time to meet and discuss this rationally, better to get it all out in the open now because you all have your own opinions, and everyone should be heard "together" so there is no "she said, he said" later.

One more thing, when your mother speaks and everyone should have a turn WITHOUT BEING INTERRUPTED, and your mother "tells a lie" ask her to give you another example of an incident, so she can have the respect and at least the opportunity to give her side, if she's lying, tell her you don't agree and you are entitled to your own opinions.
I know it is hard to have any respect for a parent to stand around and watch you get a beating. I myself do not care what anyone does, they do not deserve to be beat by anyone.
So you said your brother and sister have little to do with her along with yourself, that's because she has no respect for your feelings now as she didn't when you were getting beaten. Tell her this, what do have to lose? She's also consuming her own guilt in her drinking, so tell her NO drinking during the family discussion and be firm about it.
God bless you and good luck...If she isn't will to do this, I would stay away from her and keep yourself in a positive enviroment and you could also tell her this so she doesn't "drown her sorrows in, why don't my kids come around?" It's because you don't want to hear it anymore and she needs to stop it now, if she won't tell her you are moving on with your life and she and all need to go to counseling.

Answer 2

For the life of me, I don't understand why you keep putting yourself into these conflictive situations by being around this woman, who in spite of being your mum is still a mixed up, messed up, mentally warped woman, and if you keep on hanging around her, you are just making a rod to beat your own back.

YOU know the truth about your childhood, your other siblings know it, so for crying out loud, get rational, get real, and apply common sense. Do you think for a moment that your mother will somehow one day suddenly have a lightbulb moment and realise the whole truth and tell you all how she has "seen the light" and begin apologizing? NO. Do you think being around the woman is doing anything at all to help YOU move on with your own life? NO. Do you keep right on thinking about the past, agonizing about the past, and putting yourself into situations that bring the past up? YES If you stay away from her, you won't BE in a situation where you might get accused of "causing arguments". Leave her alone. You can't change anything. The woman's a nut and she will probably die one. If you don't want to end up driving yourself nuts too... get on with your own life and instead of agonizing over the past, think of yourself as a survivor. That makes YOU the winner here, and you can be rightfully proud of that.

You don't mention whether you are married with your own family, or still single and more or less free to go wherever you want. If the first is true, then you should be giving your full attention to your family, and not your mother. If the second is true, then I don't know why you don't solve the whole thing by simply getting outta town, and go find a whole new place to live, new environment, new friends, new atmosphere, and a brand new life. Go to some sort of vocational training school, learn a skill, plunge into a thoroughly mentally absorbing activity, and if she or your siblings start whacking on you about it... tell them to stick it where the sun don't shine.
I am so tired of hearing that ridiculous old saying about "blood being thicker than water" and.. "Ohhh, well it's your momma, it's your family...." Listen, you have absolutely NO obligation to put up with any kind of crap from anybody just because it's somebody who happens to share your genetic pattern. You have the given right to fully embrace your personal freedom and independence to be your own person and make your own life. Do it, and stop chaining your own self to the past.

Answer 3

hello there, I understand what you are saying, because I was abused by my father also. you didn't say if your father abused your mum, I'll asume he did. first you must consider that a divorice is a very emotional thing to go through. people very often will see things differently in the same situation. you stated "as children" you must be grown?, you also mentioned "drunken" so there must have been or still is a lot of drinking, which makes any situation worse, and if you are trying to talk to someone who is drinking or drinking yourself will not make anything better. I know I'm not saying the thing you want to hear right now but please bear with me. I have learned to forgive my father for his abuse to me and I love him dearly, but we as people only know what we are taught. my father was abused by his father when he was a child, this is what his father taught him, so that was what he learned. he never learned how to love or show love. maybe you should tell your mum the way you see things from your eyes, (in a calm way, not angry) because , people who have been abused seem to think that being abused is just the way things are and it's not a big deal because thats what they have grown up with. I hope I'm making since to you. learning to show love to people who have hurt us is hard, but that's where to start if you are going to have closure, it's easy to be angry and bitter, and you will always be this way unless you can break the chain of unhappyness in your family. I hope you can work something good for all involved. God bless you.

Answer 4

Your'e probably not going to like this answer, but i had a similar problem in my family. After nearly 30 years of trying to build bridges and usually getting the blame for something I did'nt start, I had to make the painful decision to cut contact with them. Since then, I can see everything so much clearer and its such a relief, it really was the best thing I ever did. Probably not the drastic choice of action for you, but remember you can't be responsible for your mum, only yourself.

In the meantime get yourself some support from professional organisations and avoid family situations were drink is involved. Much love and good lick.x

Answer 5

Unfortunately, there is little you can do. My childhood was not stellar. Alcoholic, abusive father and self absorbed mother who skipped out on my younger sister and I when I was 12 or so, leaving us with my Dad. I could never figure out how my mother was able to just up and leave us without a second thought. I'm 40 now and have to bite my tongue whenever conversations with my mother turn to our childhood. It is a lost cause to argue your point because women like our mothers can only see as far as the end of their noses.

Bottom line is, you can only change how you react to it. Perhaps it is best to distance yourself and keep visits down to the most necessary ones.

Answer 6

Leave your mother alone and get yourself some help. She may NEVER own up to what happened in your childhood, and you may just have to learn to accept that and move on. By fighting with your sister about this issue only brings back anger and it's counterproductive. Look at your childhood as a "book" that you do not like, so you put it on the shelf, you know it there, but you do not pick it up every time you pass the shelf. Lot's of luck to you

Answer 7

Try to tolerate her. When you say you 'should have walked out', you are right, you should have. But often that is interpreted correctly to mean that you are fed up and can't take what is being said. So there are various ways to walk out - one is to get up and go to the kitchen and say, 'Would anyone like a glass of water while I'm up?' From the kitchen call someone and ask them to call you on you cell phone. Answer the phone and say, 'I'll be right there, don't worry.' Then make up a somewhat plausible but uncomplicated story about having to leave and then just leave.
There is not just one person in the family who disagrees with the history that your mother is always rewriting. But every one knows that they can count on you to be the person to take a stand about the 'truth' that your mother doesn't want to see. It's very uncharitable but natural that they will let you take the brunt of that battle alone.
I'm familiar with this role. It's no fun. To be good to yourself - and you should do this just to be good to yourself - bow out whenever the issue comes up. Try to stay out of closed spaces where you have to listen to it - like long car trips. In this case, you were free to leave and all you had to do was think of a graceful casual way to do it. Learn how to do that.

Answer 8

Your mother has constructed a careful lie to keep her sanity. She knows the truth but has locked it away in her brain so that she can survive. She really needs to deal with the truth, but you cannot force her to. You need to find a good therapist to help you work through your issues because you cannot live the life you want until you do.
Good Luck!

Answer 9

Knowing the facts is one thing, getting it acroos the table is another thing.
Its a skill to convice people.
In your case, Truth is on your side, so lets put it in simple terms.
Donot feel bad when you are scolded when you say something true! Becoz you are truthful, they are angry.
And that's becoz they can never tell the truth which you can.

Answer 10

You must be the adult. We can't choose our parents. And we can't make them better people, just like we can't save them from drugs if that is thier vice. Remeber that you can choose to be the bigger person. Let her ***** and cry about the past, it seems that you have moved on. You can also choose to not be around these people.