Help helping others?

Question

I have always tried to help everyone who has asked it of me. I have run into two different people with the same types of personality, they are both very needy and I’m willing to help them, but I’ve run out of things to say or do for them. I have gave them my shoulder , helped them seek counseling, medication, help from the churches, tried to get one financial help, did all the foot work for Medicaid, financial assistance, all the programs, I even opened up my home, but it’s always the same thing, everything I say or do goes in one ear and out the other. I am very discouraged. I have run out of advise, and ways to help. I have been talking with them for months and every time it’s “ I don’t know what to do or where to go, no one will help me” But I’ve tried so very hard, I’ve offered everything I could, I helped them seek help if I can’t offer what they’re looking for, I’ve always been there for them and always tried to help them, but now I have no more to offer, I have done everything I should, said everything there was to say, extended myself beyond my limits. And now I’m finding that I am depressed because I feel like I failed them. This morning I was even scared to open up an e-mail from one of them, but I did any way and…..”No one will help me, I don’t know what to do” AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! Now I need the help because I don’t know what to do anymore. I think it’s spreading and I feel like a bad person because I have nothing more to say. Has anyone else been through this? What did you do?

Answer 1

I can certainly relate to what you have said. I've been in this situation many times. It's wonderful that you have such a kind heart and a passion for helping others but what you need to realize it that everyone has a limit as to what they can do. Once you cross that point it becomes enabling and is no longer helpful and can leaving you feeling emotionally drained and used.

Now I don't want to discourage you from helping but you need to figure out how much to help. Setting up appropriate boundaries for yourself and sticking to them will keep you from having discouraging feelings. Some people in this world whether it's because of their needy personality to other things like mental illness can only be helped so far. If someone wants the help then they need to do the work to get the help or it holds less meaning and value. My suggestion would be to distance yourself since you already feel spent. Be honest about why you don't want any more contact. Then in the future when this situation creeps up say your willing to get number, address or find services then give them the information. If you go much beyond that it become a game. They will see how far they can take it.

I was once involved with someone just like this and after having been used up I finally started to see how he did this with everyone. He would bounce from person to person because he refused to get the help he needed or take responsibility for his own life. In another situation I had a close friend who would also do this. Constantly calling with one dramatic situation after another but when the chaos would die down nothing and as far as giving me any support forget it. This too took me a while to realize that being in any relationship what about give and take and not in a selfish way. Having a healthy relationship is about respecting, sharing and helping with boundaries. Just as you have to take responsibility for your life, actions and thoughts so do they. If they are unwilling then the best thing you can do for them and yourself is honestly tell them why you can't help. e.g. "I'm sorry but there is nothing more I can do to help you since you won't do any of the work yourself. I feel I have done all that I can and feel now that you need to take the steps to change your own life. My one last suggestion would be seek counseling and see a doctor. If you put in the effort you can change anything about your life you want to but it's up to you, not me or someone else. I wish you the best of luck with your future."

I hope this helps.

Answer 2

I have the same trouble. I try to answer on here with as much positive advice that I can. I give out numbers and offer support. I'm afraid to answer any more as I tried to help someone the other day who claimed to be suicidal and then he/she started sending me horrible emails telling me they were faking it. It really upset me. Also, I have given genuine advice and used my own personal situation to help but then realized that I could not help some. I was desperate to help one only then to discover that what they really wanted was help to not be helped IE a way to prove there problems were from none mental health issues - they had schizophrenia. I can only share what I know and have experienced. I gave Answers' mental health section up the other day and today came back on but I'm wary of what I'm answering as I don't want it thrown back in my face. At the end of the day if trying to help is making you ill then you need to consider you. Just answer the postings and not allowing email,as I now don't, may be the way to go. I'm much admiring of your efforts to help others by the way!

Answer 3

you have to learn to see when someone is really needing help or just using you to do all the work for them. When you do everything for someone, you enable them to remain the way they are. I too help a great many people in the same way you have, but I have learned that you also have to make them help themselves, and if they won't by saying they "can't", then it's time to let go and say "..if you won't help yourself, I can't help you anymore." And then let go, you have done what you can, and that is a good thing....these people have to accept responsibility for thier own lives, and if they won't it is not your job to live it for them....this is why you are burnt out, you are trying too hard. Make those you help, help themselves.

Answer 4

can't always help people who won't help them selves. maybe it is time for a **** you all who don't really want help attitude.