If you feel abused, but the 'abuser' insists that you are wrong, who is right? HELP!?

Question

My family gets in my head. I want to live my own life my way and raise my kids my own way. My brother belittles me and humilates me in front of family and my own kids. I ask him to stop it somehow is my fault for having issues as he is behaving perfectly normal. My mother is the queen of guilt and manipualtion, trying to control me and how I raise my kids and she cant' see that she does this. She insists that she watns what is best for us and that she loves us even though I will have consequences for my decisions and will regret how I raise my kids. She is a lovely Christian lady and eveyone tells me how lucky I am to have her. She threatens me with 'someday your kids will hurt you like you hurt me' just because I wont' let her alone with my kids (I dont' trust her not to undermine me). I feel caught in confusion. Like a web where I feel abused but everyone insists that I am not. They love me so much. I want to trust my own perspective, but how can I do that when I am clearly wrong???

I have tried talking about it with them. They just end up hurt and I walk away feeling like I am critical of perfectly loving and normal people

Answer 1

The key thing to keep in mind here is that everyone has their own unique perspective on who they are, what they believe and how they behave based on their own experiences. Because we are all different there are often conflicts which can leave a person feeling "abused". Whether this is really the case or not only you can determine. Often the most difficult thing for anyone to see, comprehend and even change is their own behavior in regards to other people. Your view is only one sided and therefore that challenge is made more difficult. This probably explains why your family members either do not recognize their own behaviors or if they do choose to ignore that they somehow can impact another in such a way to bring about harm. I do believe that most people do things with sincere intentions and so when your mother says she only wants what's best for you she truly believes that her meddling is for that reason alone and can't see that it's not a healthy way to behave. Unfortunately you've done what you can. If they refuse to be open to discussing issues then only choice you have left is to work on you. You can't choose what others think or do and therefore you have to do what you think is best for you. Sometimes that includes distancing yourself from others if you feel it is not healthy for you. Other times it is a matter of accepting what you can not change and making the best of it when you do have to be around it. Your children will be more likely to follow your lead since you have them all the time and you can always discuss with them that the way your family works is this way not what others tell them. I would strongly encourage you to see out a counselor that you can discuss the issues in more depth and work through the feelings you have so that you no longer have this conflict inside. It's not easy to set up, stick with and feel good about tough boundaries but if you can do this then it won't matter what others say or do. You will feel strong and confident about your decisions.

Answer 2

What our young family did ... we moved to a new place, more than a day's drive away. We established our own traditions, our own family rules, and our own way of doing things on a day to day basis. We recognized this is "our family". We visited with our extended families about once a year, but the primary influence was from my husband and me, our church and our schools and scouts.
When Grandmas came to visit, we were respectful and polite, but if she started getting too bossy with the kids my husband would step-up and say "these are our kids, this is our way of doing this, and you are a guest in this house, so please abide by our famiy rules/customs while you are here"
You know, I think that only happened once or twice.

One time as Grandma and Grandpa left to go home, our kids closed the door behind them, turned to me, and said "Dad's just like Grandma!" Yes, wise words from the mouths of babes.

You see, people see their own life and thoughts as "normal" and truly believe they are "normal" because it's all they know.
So, I guess I'm saying that people are often blind to their own faults. It is up to us to steer clear or to set boundries when they do not know they are doing wrong.

Answer 3

You may have grown up in a codependent family. What you describe is emotional and verbal abuse. It's good that you recognize it. Next stop is understanding it better and getting a handle on how it's affects you, particularly since you don't want to repeat it with your own kids. Work with a therapist for a little bit. That'll increase your confidence about what is happening and hopefully give you better tools to deal with it.

Answer 4

My family are exactly the same! Except they don't do it from a misguided sense of helping me, mine do it to be nasty.

But this is emotional abuse. Belittling and humiliating you is also emotional and mental abuse. It is up to you how you want your kids to be raised, but your family are not allowing you to make your own choices and let you do things your own way. They may be saying it's not abuse because they love you and honestly believe that they are trying to do the right thing by you.

Have you tried talking to them, and explaining how what they do makes you feel?

I hope it all works out!

Answer 5

I think you answered your own question. Manipulators or controllers use this tool in the attempt to reduce your confidence and self esteem. If you fall prey to it, you will have a very difficult and unhappy life. It becomes imperative for you to make a stand and put them in their place. As hard as it may be. You are in charge of your life, don't let someone run it for you. You can't be wrong all the time but, they will attempt to convince you that you are. Don't accept it!!!! They are entitled to their opinion. Just don't agree with it. You have your own.

Answer 6

Do not be an enabler to their dysfunctional behavior. Cut off ties for awhile Put your foot down. Do not be submissive about it. Christian or not they are your children.