When should you tell a child your not the biological father?

Question

My fiance found out that he is not the biological father of his 14 year old son who he raised and believed he was the father of. When my fiance confronted the mother with this info she admitted she had done "the math" and just picked one of the two men she was sleeping with to be the father. The mother has asked that everyone keep this secret because she "don't want everyone to know what she did." (She actually said this to my fiance.) I feel the boy deserves to know the truth and rather sooner than later for a bunch of reasons. 1. Other people now know about this and it would be terrible for him to hear it from someone else other than his parents. 2. Possible health problems. 3. He is at the dating age and if this other man is the father then he has 3 sisters who are around the same age. I know that keeping such a big secret can hurt a person deeply and I don't want this to be worse than it has to be. When should the boy be told the truth? Any opinions would be greatly appreciated

My fiance has already decided to keep paying support and will always be "dad" to the child. That will never change and I strongly support his decision. I'm just not sure about keeping this secret from the child and am concerned with the repricutions of doing so. What if he hears the news from someone other than his parents? What if he ends up dating a sister or relative of his? Wouldn't these things be equally if not more devistating to the child? To Suzi B., I believe these questions are very relevant to the child's well being.

Answer 1

Regardless,
How do you just "stop" having feelings for a child that you raised as your own--or expect a child to stop having the "love" in his heart for a man the thought was his father.
Regardless, your fiance would still have a connection to this woman and her child. He may even have financial obligations to him despite the fact that there is no biological connection.
The child is going to be the one hurt the most in this situation--and being 14 (a very confusing time in any ones life as it is) this may be too much on the young man's plate.
I say we think about the child's feelings and not the mistakes of those he trusted to be his parents, or those who are in a relationship with those he thought to be his parents.
I must question your take on this. I can not see how you (being this mans fiance) could have the child's best interest in mind.

Answer 2

This is a really hard question, I feel that your fiance should be the one that sit's down and talks to him and let the child know that he has been his dad all this time and it won't change. He needs to know just because there is no blood shared between them don't change how much he loves him and he still wants to be part of his life. He is at the age of understanding. I told my daughter the truth about my husband not being her father when she was young maybe to young she was around 4 but still that is the only dad she has ever known and he loves her to. She asks about her real dad now she is 8 and I tell her the truth about everything I just don't want my kids to ever look at me and say I lied to them. The mother of that boy should be ashamed not only did she mess with the child emotionally but she also messed with your fiance and the fact that she wants to keep another secret from her child makes me sick. You can not play games when it comes to children's heads that's not right and the actually father missed out on seeing his child grow up. So she played games with 3 different people's life's and one day she will be the one that has to pay for the consequences

Answer 3

14 is a tough age to have to deal with news like this. He should know the truth but how he takes it rather depends on his level of maturity and how stable his world currently is. First of all, does the possible actual father know? He deserves to have a say in this as well as this secret will open up a can of worms. I would say sooner than later because secrets like this get more difficult to hold the longer it's left and begin to look more like lies. But whenever the mother and your fiance decide, they should do it together to display a unified front to their child, and it should be done in a safe and loving environment, without anger or blame from either of the parents to each other. They should be prepared for his immediate reaction and monitor his behaviour for a while after. What they and you can only do after is offer support and give him space to sort out his place and what all these changes will bring. Good luck.

Answer 4

True story so bear with me:
When I was 19 I lived a very destructive life and slept with 2 men within 3 days. Got pregnate and didn't know who the father was. I was so ashamed of my actions that I made up a story and have lived with this lie for over 22 years. I allowed my son to think his father was a "good" man and died 2 weeks after I conceived. This way there would be no way of him tracking him down. And I never told either of the men I was pregnate so they have no idea.
The moral of this story is this...the fear of my son finding out that I lied and that I don't know who his father is out weighs the repercussions of just being honest.
I should have told the truth in the beginning and if needed we could have gotten counseling, but now I get to live in the fear of rejection and hatred from my son because I lied.
You boyfriend and ex need to talk to the boy now, maybe with a mediator or counselor to help the child get through this. The bottom line is that its the child that will be hurt the most, not the parent.
best wishes

Answer 5

Your fiance and his mother should sit the boy down and discuss this with himas soon as possible...the ramifictions of someone else telling him could be disastrous!!!! This is not an easy situationand your fiance has raised him so if possible he should continue to be involved with this child! Do not tear or let your fiance be torn from his life! You have every right to be furious with the mother but do not let this boy get caught in the crossfire! His welfare has to be the most important consideration...not what people think of what his mother did 14 years ago. You are quite right in your concerns and your fiance needs to love his child enough to tell him the truth before this lie goes any furhter and someone really gets hurt!!! Good luck this will not be easy!

Answer 6

Sounds like you, the fiance and the mother need to talk and come to a understanding on when and how to break the news .... but don't do it cold ... know the real fathers name and location & possible sibling names as he won't have a first cousin or 1/2 sister accident when dating.

Do whats right for the boy .... not whats easy .... tell him when he is mature enough and informed enough to deal.

You may want to get some professional help in breaking the news.

Good Luck.

Answer 7

A.S.A.P. Even though I was image of their own children, I discovered my "Parents" were not my natural parents at age 11. It really hurt and literally destroyed me for many years. This boy is almost at age to be able to get a job, drive a car, not to mention many other places he may require birth certificate. He should be told before someone else tells him. He should also know of any other possible siblings...it has been known to happen where a couple dating, find out later that they are actually blood related. I am sure this boy will know and appreciate who has been the only Father he has known, but he still deserves to know the truth, and that includes that his "Father" was kept in the dark as much as he was. Good luck.

Answer 8

You are in a sticky situation. Biology has nothing to do with who is the father. Your fiance is his father - he raised and loves him. I would tell him how much you love him and his mother made a mistake by keeping this secret but he possibly has 3 half-sisters. His mother should step up to the plate and be honest with this young man before it does have to much of a negative effect on him. I would also seek professional couselling for the whole family after he has been told. Good Luck!!

Answer 9

To be honest the boy's mother and your fiance need to talk to him together. Tell them that they really just found out but in your fiance's heart he is the father and will always be there for him. He should know who the possible other father is just to be on the safe side and know medical history. But 14 is a tough age even without this going on. Your fiance and his mother need to take this slow and show the love they have for him.

Answer 10

Tell him. He deserves to know. And might wanna get DNA testing done...because what if he is his biological son. My grown children have a biological father who wasn't really in their lives, but my wonderful husband now was! He is their "daddy". And you sound like an awesome fiance standing by your man in the decision of continued child support. Someday, that young man will grow up and he'll have kids. And they will call you gramma and grampa.