How do I tell my co-workers that my baby will be adopted?

Question

I work with a great group of people, but I am unsure as to how they will react when they find out. I don't want to have the baby, then come back having to explain. I'd rather do it before I give birth. I am 33 weeks along right now. How should I approach this?

Answer 1

It is depressing going back to work after losing your child. But then, everything is depressing around that time. As a person who has placed a child, I would strongly advise you to not be too premature about resigning yourself to "birthmotherhood".

Notice all the praise you got here? Would you get the same praise if you were planning on keeping? Would people call you valiant?

The social pressure to place a baby for adoption over keeping is high. Women are exhalted to martyr status for agreeing to destroy themselves so that their child can have a "better life".

People praise "birthmothers" for their great self sacrafice and strength, and there is still a large stigma against parenting if you are single/low income/young.

Remember that you are not a birthmother yet. If when you hold that precious baby in your arms, you feel in your heart, "I want to do everything I can in my power to be there for and with this child in every way, even if it's the same as an adoptive family. Not worse, just different."

Then please, please consider that all this pressure to gain the praise of being a birth martyr will not make as much sense after you lose your child. Your reasons for placing will not make as much sense if you realize that the circumstance was not as dire as people around you kept telling you.

Just listen to this message, all these people here who don't have a CLUE who you are, or what your situation is, are telling you that you are not good enough to be a mother and the best thing you can do is give your child to someone else.

How on earth would they know that adoption is the BEST decision for your child?

I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't place. If you are homeless, planning on living with a boyfriend who is known for beating you and kids, using hard drugs...etc...

There may be a situation you can not over come. I don't know you. But I know myself and many many women who believed adoption was the ONLY way to give their children a loving home. And they realize that they were caught up in all the hype of everyone telling them how wonderful they are and how great of a person they are.

Eight years later, the same people will say things like, "Why would adoptees care about their birthmothers? She's not a mom, after all she just gave up her kids and didn't do anything for them, not all the hard work the adoptive parents did."

Please, do some reading from other women who have placed kids, and people who are adopted... there are many people who will help you get resources, counseling, medical, whatever we can help guide you to. Your life will never be the same after you lose a child, and what to say to your co-workers will be the last of your worries.

http://paragraphein.wordpress.com
http://musingsofthelame.blogspot.com
http://www.soulofadoption.com

Also, if you participate in forums with other women who have placed, they might have more helpful advice for you about this situation than adoptive parents, hopeful adoptive parents, adoptees, and people who have no affiliation with adoption and don't know what it's about.

None of these people know what adoption is about for the women who lose their children.

I wish you the best. I hope that you find whatever resources you feel you are lacking so that you may raise your child with confidence, and if you truly want to place your child, the only reason you do so is because you truly don't want your child, not due to lacking in resources or support.

If there is a lack of resources and support, please reach out, many of us want to help you.

Answer 2

If they are a great group of people you should be able to tell them, give a reason why you made the decision and even if they don't agree with your decision at least respect it. When they stop by your desk to ask how things are going -- make the decision if you want to share with that person or not. It is probably better that you do it soon though so they won't host a baby shower for you.

Good luck

Answer 3

I'm really surprised that you haven't told them yet. Isn't it obvious that you are now pregnant? It must be really hard for you to deal with all the talk about you having a baby, etc knowing that you are not planning to keep the baby. I think you should tell everyone right away and be sure you really tell everyone because otherwise there will be gossip and chatter and no one will really know what the truth is and people will be weird about talking to you about it. Also, after you come back to work once you've given birth and given up the baby, you will need to tbe the one to initiate conversation about it because people will be weird about that too. They won't want to mention anything to you about it (kind of like around a person who has just had a death in the family) and won't know what to say or how to say it. You will need to be the one to talk about it. They will take their cues from you about how and when you want to talk. Otherwise I think you will find yourself isolated and lonely. I would tell people right away, and I know this sounds odd but, I would even send out an email to all your co-workers just to be sure everyone really does know and that way the rumors won't fly. You can let people know whether you are comfortable or not about talking about it -- because otherwise you will find a big hush-hush every time you enter the room. People will feel weird about ignoring the subject and also they will feel weird about talking about it. You need to be the one to do the talking!! Good luck with your decision and I hope it goes smoothly.

Answer 4

You should simply let them know that you've made the decision to make an adoption plan for your child. If they ask you why & the reasons are not ones you feel comfortable sharing (remember, once it's said, you can't take it back), then let them know that you feel like it is in the baby's best interest.

God bless you as you do one of the hardest thing any woman can ever do. Without selfless women like you, there would be a lot less fulfillment in a lot of families.

Btw, Rox is off her rocker. She berates the folks here trying to help. That's ludicrous. I, personally, am just trying to be supportive of you. If you change your mind and choose to parent your child, I'd be just as supportive as long as you can provide for your child & it will have the basics. I think it's beautiful when a mother can keep her child. I think it's beautiful when a mother makes an adoption plan if she can't provide what the child needs.

Answer 5

There's nothing wrong with you putting your baby up for adoption. I think that's a great choice if you know that you are not willing or incapable of raising a child. There's definitely no shame in it.
Maybe the next time a co-worker mentions your baby, depending on the context, you could say something. For example, if somebody says "well you won't be getting much sleep once the baby is born" you could somehow let them know that you're putting the baby up for adoption.
If they don't like it, it's THEIR problem. I wish more women had the courage to do what you're doing. I work in a high school where we have pregnant teens and none of them are brave enough or unselfish enough to do this. They'd rather keep the baby, "my baby" they say, and condemn it to a poor life instead of giving it the opportunity to live a better life in better conditions.
Good luck!

Answer 6

First of all, from an aunt with two adopted children in the family, YEY for you for doing the right thing...You should tell them maybe if it comes up, but get ready for all the people they will know who would take the baby..You are probably really going to hear how so and so has tried having a baby, but now they want to adopt..So, try to stop that one right away..Tell them you already have your baby placed, and that your decision is final and not up for discussion..Anyone who doubts your choice does not have an understanding of love as you do..You are loving your child more than most because you want the best for him despite your feelings. So, maybe start with telling one person who is the closest to you, and she can help you with dealing with the others..Good luck, and again, thank you so much!

Answer 7

You should do it before you give birth- or it will be really hard after.

Is there a time you could sit down with them? As a group? Why a group? Because otherwise, you will need to explain over and over and over- and in the midst of that- rumors circulate as to the real reason or what have you.

Talk to them and tell them all at once. Plan a way to say it so that you get to the point and they are likely going to want to know why.

I think it takes a really big person to give the baby up for adoption- so you are in my prayers as is the baby.

Good luck to you!

Answer 8

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Answer 9

Making this decision may be creating a whole range of emotion from being scared, to being embarrassed, wondering what other people are going to say, will my child be loved, will they be safe, will this be a mistake. Your decision is courageous and admirable. You do not need to worry so much about what others think of the decisions you make with YOUR life. That goes with everything in your life, not only adoption. You will have many opinions, both good and bad. Keep your head high and go with what you feel in your heart.

Regarding telling your coworkers. Tell someone who has a big mouth. This way you will only have to say it once!

Answer 10

Tell them it is not that you do not want the child, but you want the child to have a life you are not ready or able to give. You love your child very much and wish to release the child to parents who are ready for that step in their life. Of course there will be people who try and tell you what to do. Just hold your head up high and know you have done what your heart h as told you.