What do you do with a 12 year old girl who wont get out of bed?

Question

What do you do about 12-year-old girls who wont get out of bed?

I adopted my 12-year-old sister a while ago and for the first few weeks after the adoption she was very well behaved, but latterly she has been laying in bed all day and refusing to get up or go to school since school started again.

She has also been playing me and my wife off against each other, saying that I told her she could do things that she knows she is not allowed to do, or saying that she didn’t get her pocket money off me and my wife giving her more (and the other way round)

She has also told my wife that she hates her and one time told her that she wishes she would die, which needless to say caused an argument, and every time my wife sits next to me Chloe squeezes herself between us and pushes us apart and also when we are out holds my hand so that my wife cant and when I let go or ask her to let go she throws a tantrum and says I don’t love her and I hate her, which is not the case (obviously or I wouldn’t have adopted her)

She does other things as well that I don’t really want to post on here but its all starting to get like everyday is a fight or a tantrum. I cant get her out of bed and she wont go to school so what do I do?

Answer 1

Without knowing the exact reasonings that led to you and your wife adopting her its hard to give some sound advice on that part of the situation. But it does sound to me that part of her behaviorial issues are her testing the boundaries of where she stands with you and your wife. Will you stop loving her? Abandon her? Give up on her? Never, ever threaten to give her away or put her out no matter how frustrated you are with her that will make her act out more and push you away more.

My first suggestion is to get into counseling both for her and for your family. She needs to be able to get in touch with her feelings and work through those feelings. She also needs to see that you and your wife will not give up on her and will love her no matter what!

All kids play their "parents" one against each other and is very normal. SOme of it is attention seeking behavior and some of it is just bounadry pushing. You and your wife need to back each other up in thought and action and be consistant. Give her lots of positive feedback instead of negative.

My tweens have told me several times they hate me when they are not getting their way. I just look them in the eye and say "thats good but I love you!" Makes them take a step back and look at you like HUH?

As for the getting out of bed and school issue call the school and tell them you need the truant officer to pick her up. Being delivered to school once or twice by them should be enough to stop that behavior...worked for my neighbor.

Just keep reassuring her you love her.
Good luck

Answer 2

Get in to some family counseling to help all of you handle the adjustments.

Explain to Chloe that not going to school is not an option and that she is expected to get up, get ready, and go. You may need to get up with her for several days to prod her out of bed and off to school.

My 13 year-old won't get up sometimes so I have to keep going in until she does. She throws a fit with attitude sometimes, but I just ignore it.

Starting a fight with a child isn't the way to go. If she says things that bother you. Calmly tell her that the behavior will not be tolerated. Screaming and yelling only shows her that she's getting to you and your wife.

My daughter told me she hated me once and I said, "Good! My dreams have come true." I asked her to go to her room until her attitude was adjusted. She later apologized and has never said anything like that to me again.

Without knowing the details behind the adoption (which would be too personal to post here) and more about the three of you, I think it will be hard for anyone to give you the answer. Get some help and good luck.

Answer 3

If you're adopting her at 12 I'm sure she's gone through alot. Most teenagers are hard to deal with already and one with a history of abandonment, and whatever else she went through will make it much harder. At this age its going to be hard to turn her around. I think love her as much as you can and be as patient as much as you can. She may be testing you but some of her behavior sounds like she may have a discipline problem. They did a study on teenagers a while back where they found out that teenagers need much more sleep than they are getting. Also you are not alone alot of teenagers dont like to get up. Tell her until she can get up in the mornings that she has to go to bed early. Tell her everyday that she doesn't get up for you, that night she is going to bed at 8:30. If she gets up for you nicely then she can stay up late that night, otherwise she has to go to bed early that night. Be very consistent. Tell her every time she gets double money from you and your wife that y'all will take away any future funds in the amount of the extra that she took. Be very clear, consistent, and patient. I have a son that's 13 and they very difficult to deal with. It takes alot of patience seriously. I think if you write some rules down on paper and their consequences next to it and go over it with her and stick to it maybe it will get better who knows? I wish you all the best. Also i agree with the first answer by "Janie".

Answer 4

J, you have turned into your sister's male role model, some girl tend to find overprotection to a male figure and in this case you are that figure, I think she feels certain abandonment, maybe from your father, and she is leaning on you extremely for that support., she may also find a competition on your wife as into attention concerns. On the not getting up from bed, I think your sis may be depressed. Have you and your parents sat down with your sister and explained the situation of why you are taking her custody for now ? Remember she needs to be talked to about this major decisions, she needs to be heard and listened. You have to discipline but with love, and you may want to also consult a proffesional child psychologist or therapist on other issues you mentioned or are going thru, she is still at an age in which you can help and mold her behaviour, once she hits the teen rebel age, you may encounter other problems., so take care of this now...

Answer 5

Definitely seek family counseling. It sounds like she is lashing out at you and your wife and she absolutely will tear you apart.
That being said, it sounds like she is really in need of help. What is the situation where you needed to adopt her? Death? If that is the case, she is looking to make you guys mad, to see if you will go away too. It's very typical behavior.

Women who are very very insecure about themselves will push their husbands and boyfriends away by acting irrationally. And then, when they Finally get them to leave, or cheat or whatever, they can justify their own feelings and say, "see, I knew he didn't really love me!" That's essentially what she is doing to you guys. So, love her anyway, stand firm, make rules, enforce the rules and everyday tell her you love her.
The hardest part about being a parent is enforcing something that maybe isn't the end of the world, like getting out of bed on a Saturday. Then, all of a sudden, she won't get out of bed on Monday or Tuesday either. Now you have a problem. Kids are ruthless, if you bend an inch, they will push for the mile and a half.
Good luck.

Answer 6

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You will also want to understand if this behavior is from something really permanent like Borderline Personality Disorder (which can present with unrelenting lying, hyper-sexuality and promiscuity, mood-swings and other manipulative behavior), or Bipolar Disorder, etc. These disorders usually rear their ugly heads during puberty and the adolescent suffering might present some extreme symptoms, and then suddenly no symptoms at all, only to have the symptoms return sometime later. Getting help early on can really make a big difference in the kind of person the adolescent becomes. All disorders must be followed by a psychiatrist, and the behavior can greatly improve with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Answer 7

Well it's obvious she is looking for attention and she is going about it the wrong way. I am going to say she has probably been through alot for you to have custody of her. You need to tell her this is how it is going to be or your going to either take away the tv or phone or some kind of privilege and when she asks for money tell her no teach her that things have to be earned and when she starts behaving herself than she will earn privileges. As far as waking her up well cold water seems to do the trick. Be patient though she is trying to figure everything out and children should never be put in that position... I wish you and your wife Lot's of luck

Answer 8

easy. When she is in bed, call in a doctor and let him explain to her that she'd have bed sores and pressure ulcer, and be very ill and even die. Or explain yourself, and show photos of it from the Internet.
For the hating-dying part - explain to her that if she does not behaves, she will be out to adoption, or will have to go to an orphanage, and ask her if she want to do that (kindly), since it's not possible to keep her at present as she is. She is testing you and see if you will be sorry for her and allow her to do whatever, children often do. Tell her that if she want to stay, she will have to do as she is told.
Take her on a daily trip to an orphanage - it will do wonders, I do not doubt.

Answer 9

Why did you adopt her?

Did something tragic happen to her parents? Did they just give up on her?

Either way, she needs to be in some therapy.

You can let her know that she will not play you against each other, and then don't let it happen. Stay in constant contact with your wife. She can't get one over on you if you are always talking to each other.

Now, to get her out of bed and to school? One day she refuses, keep reminding her that it's time for her to get up. Once it's time for her to leave, pick her up out of bed and take her to school in her pajamas. She won't want that to happen again.

Answer 10

I know this sounds strange but your sister and wife should spend some quality time together. Kids seem to need extra attention even if it is negative from adults when they are going through a traumatic event in their life. Don't give up on her she ultimately needs you and your wife's help. Good Luck