I just cant get over how my mum acted- am I totally out of order?

Question

I was sexually abused years ago by my mums brother(he was aged about 17-18 at the time, and I was 5 or 6), I did not tell anyone about it till I was 16, I told my mum. I also found out he abused my sister aswell. My mum told me at first not to tell anyone cos they would never believe me, and she also said he was too young to know what he was doing. After that she turned to complete denial and said she did not believe me. To this day she has never even asked her brother if he did it, or said she believes me but I think she does believe me now, deep down.

She still visits him, and tells me about it, and when I tell her I am not interested in anything to do with him she gets offended.
This has affected me alot and I just cannot forget about it, I have no respect for my mum-but we have an okay relationship on the surface. Do I need to just forgive and move on? How can I though if noone ever admits anything bad happened?
this WAS serious sexual abuse by the way.

Answer 1

The first answerer's way of looking at the situation is completely inappropriate, as you yourself will realize.

It takes time for young victims of sexual abuse to come to understand not only the horror of the act, but also what it actually is and what it implies. Children are not even aware of sexuality at such a young age and have a hard time comprehending what has happened. That's why things begin to "make sense" after a certain age and the severity of the incident begins to sink in with all its disturbing detail.

Furthermore, the more time passes, the more confident the abuser gets, and feels that what he has done is somehow acceptable. He may even feel encouraged to repeat his actions, when not confronted.



Now...

From the way you have worded your question, I have the understanding that you have not suffered a psychological trauma that is severe enough to cloud your judgment, or impact you socially as a person, and thank goodness for that. I applaud your maturity and personal control.

That said, it is imperative that you and your sister jointly confront your uncle about this right away, and let him know that you fully remember what has happened, that you are fully aware of the implications of his act, that you are not afraid to confront him, and that either he speaks up about what he has done to the family or you will be handling this through the authorities.

Please make sure that you come off as completely confident, convincing and absolutely unthreatened by him.

As for your mother, you are absolutely right, she is in denial of the situation. You have done exactly the right thing by telling her about it first, although she might be too much in shock to accept facts herself.

Sometimes, when people who have strong emotional ties to another person, and are somewhat naive people themselves, it becomes difficult for them to accept that the person they love could do something horrific. In her mind, your mother would be asking, "How can my dear brother, whom I love and grew up with all these years, can do something this terrible to my own flesh and blood? It is simply inconceivable- I won't believe it!"

Well, she needs to believe it, that is, she needs to be strong enough to not only fully accept the fact of your abuse, but also strong enough to stand up for you and your sister. She needs to realize that if she wishes to hang on to an important portion of her family (you, your sister, etc) and have a healthy, content life, she should be willing to sever ties with another, unhealthy portion of it (your uncle).

It is important that she realizes this soon.

And while you say that you have lost respect for your mother over the years, I still believe that it is important for you to help her through this, because while she might not ultimately be a direct victim, she is still a victim herself. She may not have offered you help when you asked for it first, but the reason for that is not that she doesn't care enough for you to bother, but that she is not as strong a person as you are, and needs guidence and support to be able to get to a level where she feels confident enough to stand up for you and your sister.

It is important that you understand this last bit I just talked about. It is only through mutual support that something healthy and effective will emerge.

As for your question of, "should I forgive?". Your uncle - absolutely not. That is unforgivable and needs to be rectified right away. Your mother - cautiously but yes.



As such, your plan of action should be...

1) Sit down and seriously talk to your mother about this and help her understand. If she continues to be in denial, stop the conversation and move on to step 2.

2) Talk to your sister about a confrontation strategy. Sort out the facts of the crime, and plan out your speech with your uncle.

3) Let your father know. Do this before the actual speech with your uncle, but ask your father to refrain from action initially to allow you and your sister to be in charge of the situation first.

4) Confront your uncle. Make him realize that either he speaks up about what he has done or you will be handling this through the authorities.

5) Wait for your uncle to come forward. This could take time, but give him the chance to confess. In the mean time, have either a second conversation with your mother, telling her about your confrontation, or better, have a family meeting (you, your sister, your mother, your father) about it, and talk it out the way a loving family should.

6) If your uncle comes forward, judge his confession for its genuineness, but keep in mind that no matter how sorry and genuinely horrified he may be about what he has done, this was not a one-time mistake. He did it (I'm guessing) more than once, with more than just one person (not just you), and at an age when he was legally an adult (he knew very well what he was doing).

As such, this does seem to suggest a disturbing inclination for sexual abuse, and you should alert the authorities no matter what. If this was a one time and one person event, and he was haunted by the memory of the thing he had done just as you have been, then MAYBE it would be possible for you "accommodate" (not "forgive") him, but the facts all suggest otherwise.

Immediate legal action is the only way to go, and I am sorry that you had to live with this for so long.



Good luck, and may you have the strength to do what needs to be done, and to move on with your life afterwards...

Answer 2

I'm sorry that you had to live with this for so long. Your Mom is in denial over this and does not know how to handle this, nor does she want to face the full impact of how it has effected you and your sister. That being said, let's discuss you.
It was not alright that you were sexually abused and the person who did this should be in jail. My guess is that he may have been molested at some point in his life and also that your mother may also have been (whch may explain why she buries it). It is a cycle that goes on until it ends with someone dealing with it. Your uncle was old enough to know what he was doing. I am not excusing his actions, only explaining a possible reason as to why this happened.
You are the victim and need to be heard. I don't know how old you are, but if you are out of school, you need to talk to a counsellor and sort this out because it doesn't ever go away. They will help you with ways in which to move on, which is all that you can do.
If you are in school, speak to your school counsellor and ask for help in dealing with this. Don't feel ashamed-it's ok to be angry that someone thought that it was acceptable to hurt you.
I was a victim also. When victim's survive, they survive stronger. He is truly the pathetic one here.
There are groups and places that deal with Abuse Victims only. Look for them and go-it will make a difference in who you are forever. Good luck!

Answer 3

Are you sure your uncle is not still capable of doing this to some other children? It was and is not okay. Have you thought about telling the police about it. It might cause a lot of grief, but what he did was wrong, and what if there is a chance he could hurt another child? Maybe at least you could talk to your mother about it from the point of view of getting her to accept it happened and talk about the possibility of it being repeated. Maybe you could work together with your sister? I am really sorry to hear that happened to you. Maybe you could seek some professional advice about what to consider, such as from a counselling service, and/or a support group of people who have been through what you have. Maybe there are reasons why your mother acted like she has that you don't know about too. Hope it works out for you.

Answer 4

approach him. he may be sorry and unsure of what to do. Once something is done one cannot go back in time and change their actions. Jt may be an opportunity to both heal. Your Mum is caught but should provide support to you and try and play a part in healing wounds if they can be. I don't think anyone can make the hurt go away completely but If you can get a genuine apology this may start the healing.

Answer 5

Have you attempted to confront him yourself? I did that with my abuser, he acknowledged the abuse and apologized.
I don't think you ever truly get over something like that.
I think your mother is terrible for not respecting your wishes. Make it very clear to her, then tell her you are not going to ever discuss it with her again. If she tries, tell her you are going to hang up, and hang up the phone on her. She is not respecting you. Relationships are a two way street.
p.s. He was plenty old enough to know what he was doing!!!!

Answer 6

Sweetheart, I am so very sorry for what happened to you and to your sister. I have a firm belief that just because somebody in your life has a title that makes them family to you that that doesn't always mean that they are good to have in your life. Your mother sounds like a toxic individual and as much as it may hurt you would do yourself a favour to distance yourself from her for a while until she is willing to acknowledge and accept your pain and what you went through. It is horrific and disgusting that your mother needles you with stories of what her brother is up to. Not to mention extremely cruel and insensitive. Your mother should be the one begging for your forgiveness and she should write her brother out of her life for the sake of you and your sister. Your mother sounds like a mean and vindictive person who will continue to be a destructive presence in your life if you allow her to. You cannot heal from the trauma of what happened to you if you're constantly being undermined by your mother and told that you're a liar. Write your mother off for a while, get yourself into a stronger place emotionally and mentally then decide what to do. And BY NO MEANS should you forgive or be expected to forgive your uncle for what he did to you and your sister. He's a perverted piece of sh*te who deserves to rot in hell.

Answer 7

Until you confront him, you will not be able to move on. This is something you have to do for yourself. If your mom chooses to deny it happened, once you confront him she will have no choice. Although, it will probably cause a lot of friction in the family, it will free you to move on. Your mom doesn't want to address it because of the embarrassment but just because she wants it to go away, doesn't mean it will for you. The choice is up to you but if you choose not to, your decision will be one which you will have to live with the rest of your life. Good luck to you in what ever you decide.

Answer 8

she was completly out of order and shes twisting everythng round to make it look like you were in the wrong which of course your not
its not your fault and her brother is twisted and is old enough to know better xx

Answer 9

You wait 11 years to tell her and now you want to be coddled and comforted, while your family is blown apart by this accusation?

You should have spoken up immediately. If you could hide it for 11 years, you can continue to do so. Tell her you want to go to therapy.

Don't expect her to suddenly give up her family after all this time.

Next time, speak up sooner.