Why is it that I can have multiple orgasms by myself but hardly 1 with my boyfriend?

Question

I can literally have 20-30 or more orgasms and lay in bed all afternoon pleasing myself all the while fantasizing about my boyfriend. But when I am with him I can only have 1 if any and very rarely two.

Do you think it is a matter of habit, technique or inhibition? It is definitely not because I am shy or we don't do anything and whatever we want in bed. I have a feeling it is something psychological.

A few details: I am with him for 2 years, still feel a little self conscious in front of him not just in bed, I am not shy or reluctant with him, just not as interested in getting an orgasms. Sometimes even feel turned off that he expects me (or waits for me) to have one. We are both in our late twenties.

Please don't answer just to answer. I am looking for replies from people who actually know something about these things.

Thank you all for your answers. I didn't expect so many. I can't pick a best answer. All responses were helpful.

txns

Answer 1

I have found that with yourself, you can control things better and do as your please.

With sex, there may be resistance and you could be setting yurself up for "failure" or perhaps the "reality" is not the "fantasy"

Have you tried different positions?

Answer 2

You've mentioned quite a few things here. To start with, 50% of couples say the sex isn't the same after only 6 months together, so what you're experiencing is normal. Secondly, there could be several reasons why you aren't able to orgasm 20 times with your bofriend, belows are possibilities:
1. Only you know how to please yourself, the right place, speed, intensity, etc.
2. Could be habit, when you get used to something, it's hard to get something different, more importantly you become dependent on it.
3. Begin self conscious coud play a part in it because feelings of rejection, but even more importantly, will I SATISFY HIM?
4. Expectations are definitely an orgasm killer because then the focus on "just enjoying" yourselves is not the point, it's the orgasm.
5. Of course it's psychological, what do you think about when you can't orgasm as much with him then just yourself? Thoughts like, well maybe I'm not attracted to him, if he knows I can't orgasm he'll think he's doing something wrong, it's too much pressure, all these sorts of thoughts only reinforce and promote less than pleasurable sex experience and everytime you don't orgasm 20 times with him your only reinforcing the idea that your BF is bad in bed when it's really about you.

I'd advise you to communicate about sex more often, serious conversations about what feels good. Books are a good source is a sex therapist is out of the question.

Answer 3

You know your body better then anyone else does obviously. Your know exactly what makes you feel good, how much pressure to apply, and how to reach your ultimate goal (orgasm). Do not be afraid to tell your boyfriend exactly what you like, Why should you make him guess when you can direct him to the "Magic spot". Every man and every women is different. What works for one person may not work for another. It does not mean that your boyfriend is uncapable of making you have an orgasm. Maybe you need to direct him a little and let him know what feels good and what does not. Also, maybe try more foreplay, I personally love foreplay and the anticipation of knowing what lies ahead. Some people might say "If he can't find the spot he should not be doing it". That is crap, sometimes it takes awhile for a couple to find eachothers hot spots. Practice makes perfect....hehehe...Good luck and I hope I helped some what.

Answer 4

Its really hard for a guy to get the hang of a woman's body without a little guidance! I know its cliche, but nobody knows your body better than you do, and when you fantasize, you imagine doing exactly what YOU like. Aside from that, there are things you can do to help getting the big O with your boy. Practice doing kegel exercises because it strengthens the muscles used in orgasms, making it easier to achieve one. Most importantly, though, talk to your partner. He wants to please you so he should be eager to listen! Also try more positions that increase friction... you know the ones.

Answer 5

"I am with him for 2 years, still feel a little self conscious in front of him not just in bed, I am not shy or reluctant with him, just not as interested in getting an orgasms. Sometimes even feel turned off that he expects me (or waits for me) to have one. We are both in our late twenties."

You hvae answered your own question. If you are not comfortable around him and don't feel like having an orgasm, you won't have one.

Orgasms are not just a physical things. Your emotions and thoughts can get in the way. Otherwise you are only going through the motions (no pun intended).

if you want to have deep intense orgasms with him, "tune yourself up" before hand. I mean get started by yourself, get to that point where you just need to have intimate sex and then go for it.

I have been dating a woman for three years who goes through the same thing you are going through. It frustrated the heck out of me, until we sat down and talked it through and now everything is great.

Good luck

Answer 6

What you are having is a mind set issue. Without your bf you can have multiple orgasm because you fantasies at your own pace and pschy yourself up to the stage of orgasm.

While when you are with your bf, it seems that you lost that mind set of fantasize as you need to concentrate and focus on him and his needs as well. Some times, the pace of sexual encouter is different, and you do not have the momentum to build up to the orgasm. You feel that it is not within your control anymore and it is up to your bf to excite you. When that fails, you lost your interest and when that happens it kills orgasm.
What you may want to try is, just go with your own flow of fantasy and just let reach the state of orgasm, and if you are still concious, just before you reach the state of orgasm get youyr bf to do the penetration. This hopefull will ecite both of you..

take care have fun..remember it is all in the mind..

Answer 7

I have always been told women that masturbate a lot don't enjoy sex as much with a man. It sounds like you possibly enjoy the orgasms alone rather than with him. Maybe if you didn't masturbate so much it would be better with him. You might even think of someone new. Have you thought of that? This is probably not the answer you are looking for but it's what I think.

Answer 8

The best orgasms happen when you are the most relaxed. Not sleepy relaxed, but less anxious. When you are alone it's easier to be more uninhibited and relaxed. Something about your relationship with the boyfriend is stressing you out. When a person wants their partner to have an orgasm for their pleasure and not necessarily their partners, it may be a sign of inappropriate control. A red flag for sure. Have you talked it out? I would do a little soul searching. You deserve respect and control is not respectful!! good luck dear and take care. peace

Answer 9

I dont know too much about this stuff, but it does sound psychological. But don't worry, there are plenty of people who can orgasm on their own but can't with other people. Are you completely relaxed before you try having sex? Maybe you should take a shower together and give each other massages or something first. Just relax and I hope it works out for you.

Answer 10

It's a mental thing... and a heart thing... ya gotta know that when masterbating, you have a perfect lover. In real life, that's not the case, so ya gotta make up for it by creating an atmosphere where you are both safe to let your freak out. Inhibition in this area will cause you to think too much and not be able to "LET GO"

Answer 11

You cannot climax if you are tense. When you're alone, you have no one to make you self-conscious. It is very common for women to be self-couscious with their partners, especially if they're not comfortable with their bodies (weight or shape-wise, not sexually comfortable). He can have best technique in the world and you won't get off if you're subconsciously wondering "does this position make my tummy bulge or my *** look fat?" Try to relax, maybe a glass of wine or two?

By the way, "technique" in a guy is bullshite. What one woman likes may do nothing for another. He needs to know what YOU like, and if he doesn't, it won't matter if you're relaxed like Queen Vicodin.

No guy wants to think he isn't doing it right, so just gently guide him. If you do need to use words to describe what you'd like done, never tell him what you DON'T like, just tell him it's a fantasy of yours and could he please do it for you (or to you), or that he did it once and it just drove you wild, could he do it again. You might also try toys like a c*** ring he can wear with a stimulator for your "happy hat" if you get me. I have to be careful, I don't wanna get reported.

Jeez, I almost wish we could have the days back when they didn't care if we came. I really like sex without an orgasm (if for whatever reason it just ain't happening, of course), and don't mind a good long romp, letting him go to sleep, and then finishing me off. i just don't like having to fake it. Who wants to lie--but you can't explain to them without them getting all ego-crashed--they just don't get that it's usually not them. A "real man" can make his woman come. Such children, sometimes. Good luck, and happy hunting (for the ever elusive orgasms).