I get SO frustrated with my 4-year old and discipline.?

Question

I'm an educated woman, so why can't I get this right? I have a 17-month old as well. He's always knocking into him, or trying to wrestle with him. We go to a playarea and before I know it, he's trying to wrestle the kids there! We don't wrestle with him all the much anymore b/c it seems to fire him up and make the aggressive behavior worse.

Example-went to visit hubby at work. His coworker started kind of tossing him in the air and playing with him. My son started hitting and scratching him. He gets to this point of excitement, and then it's like he has no control over his behavior.

Another example-he was playing with these bags in my sister's pantry. He was all excited and screaming and laughing. It was time to go, I gave him some warnings that he had to pick up the bags and he totally ignored me. It was like I wasn't even there! I got some frustrated I ended up having to drag him out of the house with him throwing a huge fit. I feel awful, but I swatted him on his bottom.

I do not like physical discipline, but I feel at my wit's end with him! Am I being too soft? I put him in time-outs and he doesn't even seem to care at all.

Answer 1

It sounds like you are making the right attempts (giving warnings, time outs etc) Ask yourself if you are being consistent in your approach? Everytime he displays negative behaviour, are you following through in the same way? Because you are at your wits end, you may be constantly trying different methods of discipline, searching for the one that may seem to impact him. Basically you need to decide on one method, and just stick with it. And I mean everytime the behaviour occurs! Also it is important to focus on one negative behaviour aspect at a time. Write a list of the negative behaviours that you want to alter, then list them in priority. Start with number 1, and focus on that only (unless other behaviours are going to cause him or someone else harm, you will need to address them immediately at the time). Think about when you learn something new... can you learn lots of different things at once, or do you need to take a bit of time to master one thing, before moving onto the next?

You don't mention where you place your child in "time out". Is it somewhere that is void of any stimulation? (ie his bedroom would be the worst option, as he has toys etc in there).

From what you write, it sounds like he has impulsive behaviours, and finds it difficult to find that self control to "stop". You can play some simple games with him to help him to focus, and learn impulse control. For example play musical statues - play the music, and he can jump around/dance all he likes, but he has to freeze as soon as the music stops. Alternatively, make up a large green sign, and a large red sign. He can pretend to be a car driving around, but can only go when the sign is green, when he sees the red sign, he must "stop the car" immediately. If you have a reasonably sized backyard, set up "stations" - he has to run to a certain spot, then stop and do something ie fill a bucket with sand, then run to the next station, stop and throw 3 balls into a trash can etc etc etc....

These are all good ways of working on that impulse control, without him even knowing it, as he can still have a great time, and burn off some energy at the same time!

You are definitely on the right track... with persistence, consistency and as much patience as you can muster you will get there!

Answer 2

what is wrong with physical [defined as non injury causing] discipline?!?!?!? Every child, and I mean EVERY child not only learns by things told to them, but from information about their environment. It is what a child's brain does, soak up info. If the info that no matter what actions they perform, others' actions will be to only send sounds their way i.e. words, and nothing more, they will be learning there is no consequence for their actions. The whole don't touch that it's hot thing comes to mind. It sounds cruel, but until they touch and feel the result and say Ouch!!, they just won't believe and really KNOW to listen to you. What they learn tells them how to act. Choose what you want them to learn. Have fun, enjoy themselves, basically be a kid, but listen to what is right and wrong or acceptable and unacceptable behavior. If you don't teach them, they'll teach themselves that they can do anything they want anywhere at any time. Was I physically disciplined as a kid? Yup. Was I abused? Nope. Looking back am I amazed my parents didn't die of a stress induced high BP or heart attacks by the time I was 10? Yup. I can easily find you a hundred witnesses without trying hard who will attest my parents [themselves good people] brought me up to be good people. you're the child's first teacher. Teach. Sometimes a demonstration is better than just verbal theory.

Answer 3

I am also the a mother of a 4 year old. The best thing that works for me is telling him that if does not stop what he is doing mommy is going to have to punish him. If he doesn't stop I follow through and punish him. If he is doing something really bad I spank him. If it is a minor thing he gets a time out and he is still being bad a start taking away his privileges. You need to be firm. Don't feel bad if you have to discipline him. Always remember that kids need and want discipline.

Answer 4

for someone to help you or give you some advice they should know you well,how you treat your children when they are bad and good,too.it seems like you made a mistake somewhere and are having a hard time to fix it now.there is a show on BBC prime i think it's "little angels" or some angels where a lady who is a professional comes to your home and observes for a while and then tries to help you out.i am not saying that you should do that,but maybe talk into details with a person who can really help you.the advices that you get from here are based on somebody else kids,and you know that they are all different so what goes for one may not work with another.

Answer 5

oh the troubles we go through to raise our children the right way and to every ones standards of approval, it is so hard and frustrating sometimes, my son is as hardheaded as they come i think sometimes, i do the three strikes rule with him
1. he gets first warning
2. he gets time out
3. he gets grounded from something he likes for 1 week
and if none of that works and he continues to do whatever he is doing wrong then he gets one swat on the bottom and timeout again for 10 minutes.
i know it sounds bad but he hardly ever has gotten to the spanking stage, usually the threat of being grounded from what he loves is enough. good luck and just be patient and loving and it will all get better with time and consistency

Answer 6

WOW, you sound just like me! My 4 year old son does the same things! I don't know what I am doing either. Spankings and time out quit working. Now I put him in bed and make him take a nap for 30min - 1 hour. He is usually calmer when he wakes. He hates naps!

Answer 7

Listen to your heart. I know it is telling you EXACTLY how to discipline him. That's a Mommy's instinct. Education means nothing when it comes to this, hon.... listen to your HEART and your gut. My 4 year old niece is abusive like your son... something about 4! When I visited her, I have NEVER wanted so badly to spank a child. Her grandma uses time out, the naughty corner and a million things but she never gets it until she's had (warning... the thumbs down monsters are not gonna like this one) a spanking. Then she's reasonable again. Listen to your heart, Mommy. Its called tough love and your peace will return.

Trust me.

Answer 8

Spare the rod, spoil the children. There is nothing wrong (IMHO) with giving them a little swat on the bum to let them know you mean business.