Should we let our children visit their dying grandmother?

Question

They understand she is dying, and we let them see her up until she got really weak and started mumbling to the point you can't understand her. Should I still take them to visit her? I ask them, and they always say no, but I'm wondering if I should still take them. She has a rapid spreading cancer that is attacking her system, and taking her from us very fast.

They are 8 and 6, and we are unsure if she wants to see them now. She asked for them a few days ago, but has not mentioned them coming up again. She is really really ill and does not look like herself.

Answer 1

When my mother was dying and essentially comatose my kids were 5 and 10. They spent time in the house while I was taking care of her and came in to her room from time to time to visit.

We talked pretty frankly about how things were and the kids were pretty comfortable. I think that was due in large part to not being forced to stay in the same little room for a long time. When we visited we stayed for the weekend and they played outside, went for walks, etc, too. I remember my little girl sitting on Grandma's bed with her giant teddy bear at one point.

We were there for Christmas 4 days before she died, and celebrated my daughter's 6th birthday with my Dad the day after. It was the place we needed to be.

A lot depends on how you handle it and explain it to them and how it is handled. A formal 'visit' has a different feel to it than just 'going to Grandma's.' If you have something to do while you are there that the kids can help with that would be great. Bake cookies, help with some chores that need doing, etc.
Don't force them to spend time with her if they are scared or freaked out.

Its a hard time no matter what. Good luck to you.

MM

Answer 2

How old are they?

Does their grandmother want to see them?

You mentioned that when you ask them, they say no so I'm assuming they would rather not go and see her.

I would find out if she wants to see them and if she does, talk to them and tell them that she would like to see them at least one more time...if they're adamant about not going, forcing them might cause a lasting trauma or at best make them overly fretful and uncomfortable.

Is it a situation where she isn't aware or lucid anymore? If that's the case, then I wouldn't force them to go because once she's gone, they still live on and it would be a matter of overriding what's best for them for the sake of a dying moment that would only comfort those living after the fact other than the kids.

I wish you the best with your choices and the result of whatever you choose to do.

Edit: I would let them remember her as she was before and not subject them to a last memory of her being so sick. It could possibly affect them in ways that could cause issues later in life because they're so young now that it could make an impression on them on the level of a trauma of sorts.

Answer 3

It is very hard to watch a loved one die, when we know there is nothing we can do to help with their pain and suffering. Cancer is a very terrible disease. You have asked your children if they would like to see their grandmother one last time, and if they say no, you should respect that. Speaking from personal experience, I would say they want to remember their grandmother for the good times they had with her. If she is in her last stage chances are she is not even going to know they are there, and that may hurt them more than anything.

Answer 4

My grandfather died from alzheimers when I was about 11 years old. My mom had us go to the nursing home with her to see him and it was a terrible ordeal for me. He would talk to my mom like he had never met her and he would start crying if he remembered my grandmother's illness or that she had died and it was really devastating to see. I think if I had understood how bad he was or had seen him before he was so bad I would have said no to seeing him in that state. I don't know how young your kids are, but you might talk with them about their grandmother's situation and that she is not going to be with them much longer so if they want to see her, this would be the time to do it. If there is no chance of her recognizing them or even saying hi to them I definitely would not try to get them to go since they have already told you they don't want to go. If it is likely that she will recognize them and receive them well, try to get them to go because they will appreciate receiving her love. Let them remember the good things about their grandmother without adding to the worry of her illness. Seeing a person who is sick and dying is a terrible thing to go through and your children, no matter how old they are, may know deep down that they are not emotionally ready to see their grandmother in that state, though I don't think anyone can be emotionally ready for that until they are forced to go through it. I hope this helps some with your decision and I'm sorry your family is having to go through this.

Answer 5

I never had to deal with loss as a child and when I had to face it in early adult hood, it was crippling. I lost the most important person in my life in a matter of minutes and had to say good bye after she had gone. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish I could have told her how I felt. Though it may be a bit traumatic for a child to have to see something like a dieing grandparent, you cannot shield them from life forever. This is an opportunity to control their first major experience with death and prepare them for the future.

Answer 6

Depends on the children's ages and the lucidity of your mother and what your mother would want. I know if I was not lucid and was mumbling incoherently, I wouldn't want anyone to see be like that but to remember me in better times. I wouldn't worry too much about traumatizing the children for children are much more resilient than current do-gooders would have you believe. I'd make my decision for visits based upon what your mom would want.

Answer 7

They're young, and they probably don't want to see her like that, but honestly, I think you should take them, at least for a very brief visit. It would make her happy just to see them, and they can say goodbye to her. If they get scared or emotional, I would take them out of the room, but at least give her the chance, and them as well. I wish you the very best.

Answer 8

I would say no, depending on their age. If they're at an acceptable age, maybe 14+, it is their responsibility to visit and they should know that and will come to appreciate having seen her when they are older. Young children definitely not though. It can be scarring and make them fear disease and death in an unhealthy way.

Answer 9

If the kids don't want to go leave them home.
They will remember their last images of her. Let them be as pleasant as they can be.
For you, not the children, I recommend the book "Life After Life" by Dr. Moody.
It is not a religious tract. It is interviews w/ people that were pronouned dead, or near death, and revived relating their experiences.
My sympathies go with you.

Answer 10

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