How do I get my husband to help me!?

Question

I have a 1 & 2 year old and also run a full-time infant daycare out of my house. I realize that I picked a hard job but I did it so that I could be home with my kids and still help support our family. As you know running a daycare takes lots of work. I am constanly cleaning all day. My last child leaves at 5:45pm and my husband gets home @ 6. The house is usually a mess which I will leave unitl my kids go to sleep so I have some time with my family. But whenever I ask my husband to help me clean he starts an argument or starts saying this to me like " looks like you didn't clean anything today why should I have too" or or "I work all day ". I usually end up having to do it all on my own. I have tried everything, we have slept in seperate rooms for a month now because every night ends in a fight over cleaning. We can't afford a cleaning lady every night. The mess is not just from my work it's actually mostly from our kids. I need his help and do not think it is fair he dosen't have to

help me with the house. He also doesn't help me with the kids at night either. Bottom line I am tired of the fighting and at the end of my rope with him . Is there a better way to handle this ? I'll take any advice!

To answer some questions"
-The kids I watch are all 12-14 months.
- The money is good with the daycare , I 'm not complaining about my job I complaining about my husband.

Answer 1

1. Your hubby, even though he might be exhausted, he really needs to have a part in raising your kids. Why else are you in a marriage contract?

2. You clearly feel like you aren't able to get the basics taken care of, and you obviously need to feel "taken care of".

Families where both spouses work often have lots of problems, not necessarily money, but because they both work, they don't nurture each other, or even themselves because they don't have time. That all trickles down to the kids not getting taken care of either.

It doesn't mean you are bad spouses or bad parents....just TIRED!

Now for the solution. You guys get on the stick and get a cleaning service out there.

You are obviously making enough money to pay for that, and you won't believe how "cared for" you will feel every day when the house looks better.

Don't worry....just splurge and give yourself some time and some sanity. If your husband doesn't like you spending money on cleaning, he needs to pick up the broom and wash some dishes.

Also, one of the big counseling rules of marriage is: "If you feel taken care of, then you take better care of your spouse, and vice versa." If you have help, you feel better, and less angry, and treat your hubby with more care. When he doesn't argue all night after work, he feels better and can be more nurturing to you. It is an upward spiral, that caring thing!

I understand. My hubby works in a physically demanding job, and can hardly move at the end of the day, but he runs errands for me after work, and plays with our daughter, and even scratches my back til I fall asleep at night, but he won't lift a finger to clean, and it doesn't bug me because I just do what I can, and if the dishes pile up in the sink, I don't worry. A clean house isn't worth a divorce .

Answer 2

Tell him, if you did not clean anything all day, the house would be even messier than it already is! Also, remind him that you work also, and you would really appreciate help getting the kids off to bed, so that you can have some alone time just the two of you. Ask him what he will be willing to help you out with so you don't have to use all your energy being frustrated and angry. Would it be a possibility that he gets your children ready for bed and reads them a story while you clean?

I would suggest having the children help, bu they are obviously too young. Is there anyway you could get someone part time to help you clean? Maybe a 13 or 14 year old neighbor would be willing to pick up toys and other things from the children for an hour a day after the last kid goes home, or come in from 530-630......you could give them $10 a week for their help.

Also, as far as having more time to spend with the family, I would suggest putting together 5 meals on Sunday evening. Prepare everything so all you have to do is put it in the oven.....you could also make clean up easier by using baking bags or lining casserole dishes with aluminum foil.

Answer 3

It really sounds like an all-round no-win situation. I ( a mum of three!) work full time and I just want to flop when I get home because I am so tired. If I came home to chaos that I had to clear I could not cope. Look at exactly what the mess is. Is there a way of minimizing it by perhaps easier organization? Big plastic boxes for toys, perhaps? If it's washing up etc - do you have a dishwasher? It's not fair on anyone or the whole house to be a mess at the end of the day. It will cause stresses and strains. How many children come to your house? There shouldn't be more than five including your own two unless you have help. How about advertising for help? Maybe not every night - how about three afternoons a week? You can't afford not to be organized otherwise parents will stop using your services. It's not really a case of fair or unfair it's a case of what's reasonable and it is reasonable for your husband to unwind at the end of his working day and for you to ensure that you can do the same thing by making life as organized and methodical as you can for yourself. I don't suppose this is the answer you want - and perhaps your husband should be more supportive but it does sound as though he as well as you is at the end of his tether.

Answer 4

Girl, you are running yourself ragged! It is time for you to find a new job where you can make money and still have your sanity. It is tough raising two young kids seemingly by yourself. You need some time off. Obviously your husband doesn't respect you and thinks that because you are home all day that you should do the cleaning and everything else. That is not the case. It should be a partnership. Sit down with him and tell him how you feel. Tell him that you are not trying to give him chores to do when he comes home but that you want to have a clean house for your family. Tell him you respect that he works during the day and is tired, but that dealing with kids all day can be exhausting too. If you are looking for a quick fix, I'm not sure how old the kids are that you are watching, but you could make a game out of clean up... or have one area where all the "action" is with the kids so that the mess is contained and you aren't left with a disaster when your husband gets home.

Answer 5

Give up the day care. You write you wanted to spend time at home with your kids. So, what are they learning from this enterprise? Mom & Dad fight every night. Even at 1 and 2, kids know a fight when they see it.
You put your children in day care. You get a job.
And then clean up after yourself. And your kids.
What's he going to do?
He obviously has no respect for your work and your financial contribution to the family.
If you have a job outside the home, you'll get paid, and men understand that.
Not that he'll like that either.
But if you do not stand up for yourself you will be fighting for the rest of your life. Or until you divorce.
Children benefit from a good environment. This fighting is not a good environment.
At day care they will not suffer if you make sure the day care is a good place.
If people don't pick up and clean up after themselves, they soon run out of clothing, for just one thing.
If you are at work, he will have to do his own laundry. And why not? They're his clothes.
You do not have a partnership.
Tell him this. Tell him you plan to go back to work.
See if he has any ideas about how to improve your home environment. Have this discussion outside of the home because you don't want to add more stress to the two little kids. And it will also help to keep the heat out of the discussion.
Good luck to you. It's hard.

Answer 6

i think your husband needs to spend a day in your shoes. he seems to think that you do "nothing" all day just because you stay at home to work. he may work all day too, but his job probably comes with coffee breaks, food breaks, and even bathroom breaks! i'm sure you find it hard to get any of those, much less having to clean up after everybody constantly, and take care of a house full of kids. it's time your husband grew up and realized that parenting and taking care of a house isn't just the Mother's responsibility. you work long and hard day and night, your job is a 24 hour one, not just the typical 9-5. why should you have all the burden on your shoulders??
i say plan a day away, just for yourself, possibly a day where you don't have the day care kids, because your husband probably wouldn't be able to handle them as well as your own. then leave him, for as long as you feel comfortable, go to the spa, go shopping with the girls, go to a park and read a good book, whatever will help you relax and recharge. with any luck, you will come home to a husband that now realizes just how hard you work, and how much you deserve help and appreciation!
if this doesn't work, you could always threaten to stop doing daycare, and he would have to work more hours or get another job to support you all. taking care of two children and running a household is a hard enough job as it is, and you have daycare kids thrown into that mix!
you're one tough Momma, and are doing an excellent job. stay strong and keep pushing your husband to do more.
good luck hun. let me know how everything works out!!

Answer 7

I understand that it is difficult to take care of kids (I have 2 of my own), but before you do anything dramatic about the situation, ask yourself the following questions:

What was he like when you met? Did you marry him because of how well he cooks and cleans, or because he was fun and cute?

Did you do all the cleaning and housework before you were married? If so, that may be one of the factors for him falling for you. And by you changing the "rules," you are changing part of the reason he fell for you.

Has he always been like this, or has he suddenly stopped helping out? If you are asking him to change suddenly, it is no surprise that he is resiting to it. And if he suddenly has stopped helping, something might be wrong outside the home, and you might want to ask him about it.

Now for a solution:
I don't know the way your daycare works, but most in-home day cares are restricted to certain rooms. Only ask him to clean the rooms that are not occupied by your daycare.

It is his responsibility do share the load. But don't expect him to jump at the opportunity to "do your job."

My most important advice is to not let this effect your bedroom time. This is a bond that you share as a married couple, and sleeping in separate bedrooms will only make the situation worse.

Answer 8

I'm sorry, I know that has to be tough. I have kids too & I know how it is. I would suggest, since the kids are really young that you are watching(including your own) have one main room (like the living room for example) & keep all the kids toy, books, & other crap in there & put kiddie gates up in the entrances to any other rooms you have in the house (except for the bathroom) they don't need to mess the whole house up, that's what I do with my kids. Talk to you husband one more time about it & tell him that you are working all day just as if you were at a daycare & you are tired just like he is after he gets off work. & since you are working a job that you bring in money with & since those are both of your children, you would really appriciate if maybe, he could help you out on a few things like, giving your children a bath, tucking them in, washing the dishes, etc (you know what has to get done) & if he refuses just do all the cooking & cleaning yourself except for anything of his. He can start doing his own laundry, making his own dinner, etc... Sorry but that's really about all you can do. Good luck to you, I know it's tiring.

Answer 9

Some men are just like that. My suggestion would be to separate the areas of your house where you have the day care from the private areas of your house. Then you have your "work" and your "home". You can clean the work area as you go through your day and then in the evening you can worry about the home areas which you should share in the cleaning of. The home areas shouldn't be all that messy anyway if you aren't letting the kids in there during the day. That way he will realize that he isn't cleaning up after the kids you are keeping, but after himself and his own kids. It really isn't fair for him to use the "I work all day" excuse on you since you also work all day. But when it comes to the day care areas of the house he shouldn't have to clean that up any more than you would go to his office in the evenings to take care of stuff he didn't get finished during the day.

Answer 10

I am SO sorry!
when I read the header to your question, I had a lot of ideas come to mind. Then I read the whole thing.

Unfortunately, you know one thing for sure, something has got to change.

No one can tell you how to "get" your husband to help you.
How long have you been married?
Do you have a strong history, or is this all very new to both of you?
Husbands can change, they really can, but it takes something big to make them want to.
You have been upfront about your need for help. He has been upfront about his refusal.
As nice as it would be to change places for a day to show him, it just isn't possible,
The insults he throws at you are very very hurt-full, and it makes me wonder how he talks to you about other subjects. Or are there any other subjects?

You need help, or fewer chores, and I don't see you getting help any time soon. I am so sorry, how could you possibly change either thing? The few options you have are very dramatic ones. Personally, I would do anything to save my marriage, and it sounds like the work or the marriage is on the line. Some serious evaluation is needed here.