Best terrible two advice you have, please.?

Question

My son has been going through the "terrible twos" for several months. He screams and cries, hits and throws massive tantrums, which is a normal phase in his growth. But, I also have a 2 month old. Life is getting worse everyday. I feel myself almost giving him a spanking, and I am against that. My older son was much more lax and mild tempered compared to my younger son. Any good advice on discipline or guidance is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Answer 1

First, without adequate sleep kids become frustrated at the smallest things. It's as if they're *unable* to behave, even if they know they should. Learn to recognize when he's behind on sleep. Every activity of your day should revolve around him being well-rested. That's 90% of the battle!

Second, kids need to know what is expected of them. They *want* to please you, so think of your job as helping them know what is expected of them.

Make a distinction in how you respond to first-time offenses vs. "purposeful" naughtiness.

If he's bouncing on the couch he needs to be instructed in proper behavior: with a calm and helpful manner, "No-no, we don't bounce on the couch - we only sit and lay down." Depending on the age you can choose to give a second instruction on what is expected.

But once he knows better, he's doing it on purpose and must not be tolerated. These are the crucial moments when it's determined who's actually in charge, you or your child. You must act decisively and quickly with "punishment."

Make a face of disappointment and mock shock (NOT anger) and say, "We do NOT hit other people." (Remember, he wants to please you. Your unhappy face will be punishment for a young one.) Then perhaps an age-appropriate time-out for punishment for slightly older ones.

You must be 100% consistent - once he knows it's wrong he must NEVER get away with it. If he gets away with it every fourth or fifth time, you're teaching him that he simply needs to keep doing it enough times before he'll "win" and get away with it. But if he never "wins" he'll eventually stop misbehaving in that particular behavior.

This can be tough when it happens at social events (restaurant, someone's house, the store). You'll be tempted to regress back to "instruction mode" so you can complete what you're doing (eating, visiting, shopping). It's an embarrassing moment that you wish would pass quickly. But if you don't deal with it you'll be teaching him these are the times he can get away with it (and he'll continue to embarrass you at these worst possible times).

Instead you should drop *everything* and remove him from the action (to the store vestibule or a boring bedroom) as "punishment." "If you can't behave then you can't be with the rest of us at the table (or with Mommy in the store). Are you ready to be a good boy?" Wait until he gets control of himself before returning. "We're going to wait here until you're ready to be good. Are you ready?" (Again, this assumes he's well-rested.)

It might take 10 minutes, but you won't have to do this more than twice in your life - he'll learn what's expected.

Third, never scream, "No!" He learns from you how to talk, and soon he'll reply back to you with a "No!" Instead, use a sing-songy, "No-No. We don't hit - we play nicely with our friends."

Try to focus on what he SHOULD do, rather than what he should NOT do: "We sit still in the car," not "Stop bouncing!"

Finally, little minds believe everything they hear, and will form their self-image based on what others say about them.

*Never* allow the child to overhear you making negative comments about his/her behavior. When grandma asks how Billy is doing you give a positive report of what he did right. Once he's out of ear-shot you can let loose and seek support for your stressful day with Billy.

*Do* make a point to praise him for good behavior, I was SO proud of you at grandma's today!" And dispense plenty of positive affirmations, "You are the best little boy I could ever have hoped for!"

He will "grow into" the type of child he is expected to be. If everyone talks about how naughty he is, then he'll begin to tell himself the same thing.

Fortunately, the reverse is true. Plenty of attention for being good will help him decide he's a good boy.
Good luck!

Answer 2

When mine kicks or bites, I look him in the eye and tell him "NO, Not nice." I will also set him on a stool in a corner for a minute. He hates being in time out....and I stand and watch him and remind him to sit. Sometimes I might have him sit for a full two minutes if he hasn't quite calmed down a bit....it seems forever, but it seems to be working.

I have also resorted to ignoring his behavior at times and this seems to work well too....depending on the situation....usually for random temper tantrums or screaming at me. My pediatrician said this was actually the best way to handle the temper tantrums.

When all else fails, I take him to his bed and make him lie down. I peek in on him, and sometime he is still awake laying in bed, and sometimes he has fallen asleep....so maybe your little guy needs a rest too.

My mom thought it was because he wanted attention, but honestly I give him more attention than the other kids these days....not to mention he is getting attention from older brothers and sister.....so no, I do not necessarily think it is lacking attention, but just his personality.

Answer 3

the young ladies above me are right, but might i also add you have to pick your battles. this is a skill you might as well start honing now as you will need it as your kids get older.
my kids were all different, first one good as gold, next one - horrible two year old - next one was not too bad and then the boy came along and was so laid back and calm we thought of him as an 'old soul'.
as they got older their personalities changed so much and every day brought a new learning curve.
i soon learned that some things weren't worth battling over and would let it slide, while other things i felt so strongly about that i would take a stand and not waver from it.
anyway back to your little one, sit down and talk to him about his behavior. tell him you love him, you need him and explain to him he is the big brother and you need him to be better behaved and help out with the baby. and praise, praise, praise the good behavior. don't ignore the bad, just sit him in the corner in a time-out for a few minutes and then start again. [keep in mind for a 2 year old, two minutes is a long time - many parents make the mistake of expecting their child to sit for five or more minutes at a time in punishment]
its frustrating, its annoying, it'll make you tear your hair out but if you don't get a grip now, it will just get worse and worse.
good luck to you and yours!

Answer 4

Ignore it. He knows he can get your attention this way. Act like you don't even hear him when he cries. And when he's behaving, then give him attenion. Lots of kisses and hugs. He is a child though and bad behavior needs descipline. If you're against spanking then you need to think of something. No dessert, time outs, something like that. He'll learn what he's doing is wrong and when he's behaving then he'll get rewards. If it's attention you want then let him help you out. Let him 'help' you cook and clean and tell him what a good helper he is and what a big boy he is being. He'll enjoy the attention and feel special.

Answer 5

Remember that the screaming, crying, hitting and tantrums are the only way he can think of at the time to express & communicate his feelings. All you need to do is teach him more appropriate ways of doing this. It sounds easy, but it takes a lot of time -and- each child learns differently.

So, first, figure out how he learns. Then, every time you see the meltdown coming, intervene & talk to him about his feelings, give him words & methods of expressing himself that are more effective and more polite. Let him learn how much better his life works out when he gets it right, when people understand him & when he works together with people to get to what he wants.

Keep on remembering how hard it must be for him to figure out how to deal with the world around him. Help him to do it.

And keep on encouraging & appreciating yourself & everything you do. Celebrate your accomplishments & be gentle with yourself when things go wrong.

Answer 6

If you read my question about what would you do if your 4 year old did this, I'm probably not one to talk. BUT I really had her behavior problems under wraps for a little while up until this point. I think the key that I've learned is to spend time with them. Not easy with an infant too, but it can be done. These kinds of things where they act out is for attention, they don't really care what kind of attention it is, as long as they get it. There are things you can do all together, like reading a story. It's as good for your infant as it is for your two year old. Plus, infants sleep alot, so it does give you some time for projects that just the two of you can enjoy together. My daughter loves to sit next to me with some paintbrushes and paint pictures (washable paints of course!). Most kids love that kind of arts and crafts stuff. And you can set him up with other projects to do while you hold the baby and supervise and encourage him too. This will show him that you still have time for him even with the baby in your arms. Chances are that he's probably jealous and he's having a hard time understanding that you don't have as much time for him anymore. You just have to show him how much you still like to do stuff with him.

Answer 7

i am going through the same thing i have a two month old and my son is about to turn two next week. he is the same way he throws, he hits, he is just in general mean sometimes. the best advice i can give is that when you start to feel really stressed or like you need to spank him, shut him in his room or somewhere that you know if he gets into things its ok and remove yourself from the situation until you calm down. its hard for two year olds because they really arent talking yet so when they cant tell you what they want or need they get frustrated and the best way they know how to deal with it is to throw a fit and cry. talking to him and telling him no will help, when you get frustrated tell him, i'm sorry but i need you to sit in your room for awhile until i calm down, even if he has no clue what you mean,eventually he will see a pattern that when he is bad he gets sent to his room. it will take awhile, but it will get better. dont give in to him, let him throw is fits.
good luck to you.
oh and dont let people tell you its because the new baby is there, i know my son was exactly the same before his sister came along.

Answer 8

At this age they are trying to develop some independence, but are obviously still dependent! One trick that I have used is to offer choices a lot- choosing from 2 options (don't give too many options at this age). Letting him decide what to eat, wear, what video, what game he could play with you or baby, etc. will give him some feeling of control over himself and should help. If you can make it concrete by holding the 2 things in from of him, even better.

Answer 9

Alot of it probably has to do with the new baby. He's not getting all the attention anymore so he's fighting for it. Try and make sure that you have time that is just for him with no baby involvement so he still feels important. Another thing is to include him in the taking care of the baby, let him help hold bottles during feeding, or let him shake rattles when the baby is crying so he gets a sense of being the BIG brother.

Answer 10

Remove anything he can damage or that can hurt him from his room. When he starts to act this way, just say "Uh-oh, how sad?" and pick him up and place him in his room and go about your day. He will get more mad and scream and be loud. If you must, lock the door. When he stops the fit, go give him a hug and get on with your day. He will get the hint or out grow it soon enough.