What do i do about this?

Question

ok, me and my ex broke up in May and since then we've decided to stay friends, actually its a friends with benefits thing. It's almost more of a we're taking a break thing cause we've had all these talks about how we may get back together one day. I'm Still in Love with him. And i've been going to see him every weekend almost since we broke up and its like nothing had changed except i dont live there anymore. Now all of a sudden he's upset cause I'm up there every weekend when hes the one who asks if i'm coming on the weekends. I don't want to make him mad and ruin the friendship and possible relationship. What do i do?

Answer 1

Have you read any of that book I gave you yet? I'm going to pretend I don't know you, and give you vague words I'd give anyone in this situation. So bear with me. (Sorry I just saw this now, you should have told me about it before.)

It's called a breakup because it's broken. Remember that. The relationship you have right now, the friends with benefits...that is a really destructive kind of relationship for someone who is in love with the person while the other is being selfish in holding on to that string. He needs to let you go or take you back, you are worth more than a friends with benefits relationship. You may feel that because you are having sex with him still, that you are in that same groove you were before, but you aren't. Have you analyzed why you allow this sort of thing to occur? Is it because it is the only way you can be with him? If that is it, then it is a BAD reason. Friends with benefits relationships go sour when there is emotion involved beyond the physical. Because you are still in love with him, that is a dangerous line to cross.

Remember, it HAS changed. He broke up with you and hanging out is not dating. Don't delude yourself into thinking everything is fine, it's just a different location. You'd still be 'dating' if it were. "Better than nothing" is not good enough.

He broke up with you for a reason. Maybe he needed space, who knows. Have you ever talked about it? Has he ever told you why he needed that space? If there is a chance for a relationship, those are problems that have to be sorted out. You aren't living together anymore, but the problems when you were are still there and will still be there if you ever live together again unless you sort them out. You need to have a heart to heart, a serious talk, where no sex is involved.

He's a young man with a raging libido...and sorry to say, there is the possibility that you are an easy and safe direction for that. He's calling you up cause he knows you'll come. Maybe he's lonely, or horny...just a possibility.

But the point is, you aren't letting him miss you! You lived with this guy, had sex with him on a regular basis....something isn't right for you to break up and then carry on as if everything is peaches and cream. I have always believed the phrase 'if two lovers part and still remain friends, they either are still in love or they neither were.' And I know when you read that, you are going to focus on the 'still in love' but no, I need you to read the rest. I'm not saying you didn't love each other, but there are SO many different kinds of love. You can love someone, but not be IN love with them, get what I'm saying? Love can change overtime. When it's new and fresh, it's magical. But for some people, if it isn't the right kind of love, when it seems to become routine, it loses it's luster and they have to get out. That's what happens when you fall out of love. When it is the right love, the I'll be with you forever love and mean it, that kind of love does last. Consider for just one moment, no matter how much it hurts to think about it, that he isn't the one. If he were IN love with you, he wouldn't be able to help himself from getting involved in a romantic relationship regardless of his fear or past experiences.

This is what happens, you go out with this guy and you fall in love and you picture his and hers towels and then when you break up, you are so stuck on that person that you can't see when someone who is worth a damn comes along. Don't do that. Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted. And when you do move on and find your right person, believe me, you're not going to wish you had gotten to spend more time with Stinky the Time-Waster or Freddy-Can't-Remember-To-Call. Move on! Cut your losses and don't waste your time. Why stay in a weird dating limbo you can move on to what will surely be better territory?

We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go into hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why they're behaving that any; any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the explanation that's the truth: He's just not that into me.

Consider that he's being extremely selfish, because he's dangling you. He's not with you, but he wants to have sex with you still. What does that say about your self-worth?

What do you do? Say NO. If you are waiting for him to realize what a terrible mistake he made by breaking up with you, consider that it might never happen and you are only hurting your chances with someone else by hanging around, AND he's not going to realize that mistake if you are always around still. Why does he have to date you, he's already getting all the pluses!

Don't start playing the blame game. He's upset because he thinks I'm up there all the time, BUT he's the one who is always calling me asking me if I'm coming. Consider that he's just feeling obligated to ask because you are up there all the time. And say no when he asks. Space, girl, space.

He's being passive and not speaking up until whatever it is is close to the breaking point, that is his issue. Don't take advantage of that. Relationships are a give and a take. You go into them knowing you both have your own issues that might grate on the other, but you have to talk about them.

You are grasping at straws here. Holding on to that hope that you might get back together again. That is an if that you shouldn't cling to. There is already a crack in the foundation, you can't build on that crack, you have to fix it first. You aren't doing anything to fix it if it feels like nothing has changed.

You can't expect to grow when you are still in the same position.

He is not it for you. Don't ever think that this person is who you should stick with because you won't get anyone else. Do not settle. Everyone wants to be loved. The need for that love is so strong that you can convince yourself that a decent relationship is turning into love. But maybe rather it's settling. Make yourself believe that it is love so that you may never wonder if there is something better out there. Because what could be better than love? Before you tell someone you love them, make sure it is truly them you love and not the idea of being in love.

There would come a time when we have to stop loving someone. Not because that someone started hating us, but because we found out that they'd be happier if we let them go.

It is only fear of loneliness if you are dating someone you hate, fear, and/or are repulsed by. Remember the most selfish thing you can do is stay in a relationship you aren't committed to.

And lastly, just a comforting thought...you have to get hurt before you can heal. After the pain and numbness, there is healing and moving on. And no matter what, you will survive.

Answer 2

I've been that guy before, and here's what's happening: he's either dating other girls or trying to. During the week, on certain days, he feels lonely (and isn't getting action), so he calls you and asks you to come. Then when the weekend rolls around, he hears about parties, or has plans with his friends (and new girls), so then he resents you for screwing up his chances at meeting (or getting with) new girls.

Since you don't live in the same city, you gotta move on. There's not much hope for this while he's halfway moved on (who's going to turn down "no strings attached" action?), but scouting for new girls all the time -- if he hasn't already met a new girlfriend.

You need to stop having sex (or whatever) with him immediately if you're to have any chance. Do not touch him in a romantic fashion unless you are officially together. After I broke up with my longtime girlfriend, we continued to be "friends with benefits" for a long time while I meeting new girls every day she wasn't around. It's a great situation for him, so he'll never get back together with you while you're giving it up for free.

Answer 3

I know what your talking about, i was in a relationship like that for over a year.....and guess what he still didnt want to make up and become a couple again......he is just using you untill something better comes along (I realize this and got out).....ignore him, dont go to his house....if he calls act casual and talk about general stuff, dont encourage him with anything intimate.....if he wants to get back with you, he WIll come and find you and make amends.....if he is still acting the same way, then he was just using you as a friend with benifts

Answer 4

Don't go up there every weekend. Even though he's inviting you it seems he just now realizes that he is seeing you almost as often again. Play hard to get and even talk about or hang out with other guys. That will get him back if it's meant to be.

Answer 5

Give him some air and breathing space. Go out with your different buds and have some fun. Otherwise you may appear to him as too clingy. Scout around and see what's out there. You may find that it's worth your effort and your sanity.

Answer 6

Move on sweety...as much as you feel you love him,i guarantee you you're much better without him.This dude is keeping you available....he's using you and you're prefering that to being away from him.I don't think making yourself available like that will make him come back,he'll just have you as a door mat. move on..

Answer 7

It doesn,t sound too hopeful.He wants his space again.Maybe he wants to be alone to have his company over or he wants to bring home someone else?I,d move on and play hard to get.Don,t let him yo-yo you back and forth in a relationship.

Answer 8

He is keeping you available till someone else shows up. Move on.