Should I tell my Catholic mother than I am an atheist or just indulge her by remaining silent?

Question

My mother is Catholic and had raised me Catholic as well. She sent me to Catholic school until I begged my father to send me to public school at age 13.

I am 20 years old now and no longer live with either of my parents but went to my mom's house last night and had dinner with her. Before eating our meal my mom says "We need to think of a new blessing (prayer) because we've been using the same one forever." I just smiled, I didn't see a need to bring up my beliefs over one little comment. Then she proceeded to pray, and I just looked down out of respect but didn't say a word or do the sign of the cross. This is what I always do when people pray around me, I just look down out of respect but do not participate.

I thought it would have been inappropriate to bring up my beliefs and tell my mom that I am atheist at that time because she had not asked, she only assumed that I believe what she taught me to believe.

If my mom ever asked what I believe, I would have no problem telling her and being honest about it. I would never lie about my beliefs. However she always assumes that I believe what she believes because that is what she raised me to believe.

I'm not sure if I should bring this up and discuss it with her, or just indulge her to keep the peace by remaining silent.

Answer 1

Congratulations on breaking out! Few people are capable of even conceiving of a perspective that's different from what they were raised with.

I'm a former Catholic turned atheist too -- Thank God! ;-)

This situation is tricky, because a family dynamic is very complex. You are doubtless aware of what Catholics believe will be your fate in "the afterlife" if you reject God, so your mother -- if she's devout -- will likely be *very* resistant to your perspective. She will probably NEVER stop trying to bring you "back to the fold," and you will probably never convince her that your perspective is valid.

It's probably not worth bringing up the issue over one comment. You could just say "yeah, whatever" when she brings up things like blessings & stuff, and not have to really get into it with her. On the other hand, there's no reason that you should have to act like you still believe. You have to be true to yourself. Basically it's a question of how much of a factor your mother's "assumption" is in your daily life.

Unfortunately, you will probably have to deal with this issue for years and years to come... good luck, and "keep the faith!"

Answer 2

Is there a problem if you have an honest discussion with your mom about your faith. I think what will make her most happy is your openness, truth and honestly. Surely your mother cannot force her beliefs on you. If at the moment you have questions about the Catholic Faith that you cannot resolve and hope to remain an agnostic or atheist, i think there is nothing wrong in that, you are seeking to know the Truth. I questioned my catholic faith when I was 20, I didn't go for Mass or confession, I didn't pray at all. I then sought answers when I went through life's difficult experiences and today at 36 I'm a staunch Catholic. I see nothing wrong in your beliefs, just be open and honest about it.

"Nine out of ten of what we call new ideas are simply old mistakes. The Catholic Church has for one of her chief duties that of preventing people from making those old mistakes; from making them over and over again forever. It does prevent men from losing their lives upon paths that have been found futile or disastrous again and again in the past. Now all these false issues have a way of looking quite fresh, especially to a fresh generation." - G K Chesterton (An atheist who converted to Catholicism)

Answer 3

As a devout Catholic, nothing my children could tell me would hurt me more than "Dad, I'm an atheist."

I realize that everyone is different and believes according to his or her own judgment. But we as Catholics have a very real belief in the afterlife, including hell. The worst thing I can imagine is my own children burning in hell. And not only that, but I want us to be together after this life, sharing in the joy of Heaven together.

I can assure you that your mother feels the same way I feel. Always be honest...but I would recommend not sharing this with her unless she inquires. There really is no point in breaking her heart and making her live in fear and worry for your soul. And besides, even though you don't think so now, you could always end up being a believer again one day... 20, 30, or even 50 years down the road.

And ... thank you for being respectful of her beliefs. I commend you for that and it shows that your mother raised you well.

Answer 4

Be honest... But don't make a big deal out of it because hopefully she won't... If you feel the need just bring it up in general conversation or if she asks you to attend church or something about religion be honest and respectful...

She is your mother and she should love you and respect your decisions as you respect hers. If she gets a bit mental tell her well you raised me! lol

I bet you still celebrate Christmas huh... LOL I'm a reformed Catholic and I still celebrate Christmas for the same reasons I did when I was 8.

Answer 5

It has been said before that you are a good person to care for the feelings of your Mother.

You should be thankful that you obviously have a Mother that cares for you and has done her best to teach you respect for others.

You might consider that it was in fact partially her faith that brought you into being the good caring person that you are today.

I was raised as a Protestant, and now am Catholic, although My parents are still Protestant, I have a huge amount of respect for the extra steps they did in teaching me respect. I still have lots of respect for my old faith and the people within it. One day, you may find your way back home, just keep an open mind and when society pushes you into a tough place knowing that there are people who love you unconditionally is a good thing to have.

Good luck and Peace be with you!

Answer 6

I can tell you that as a Catholic, I pray that you tell her only if asked. Let me share a quick story:
I had a great friend and she was married to a person of the Jewish faith, and her marriage is exemplary, they both love each other very much. I went to visit her one day and she just started crying, she had been married 22 years, and her husband was dying, she kept saying to herself that since he never converted they would not see each other in heaven therefore ending their love they had for each other at his death. This for her was so painful because of the love she had for him.
For your mom, it would be the same, not saying that we are to decide who goes to heaven or not, only Christ on judgement day will know that, when Paul was approached with a similar dilemna he described that the Jewish community is the chosen of people of God, and that those who follow Christ are to live out the new Gospel according to His teachings.
It is hard but at the same time love conquers all, love your mother and it is obvious that you do, dont say anything unless asked and when asked, word your thoughts appropriately. Most parents would not ask their child, they can feel it.
God love you always.

Answer 7

You are a very thoughtful person. A daughter to be proud of. The way you conduct yourself is a credit to how you were raised. Being silent at the time of the meal and the other times you spoke of is appropriate. As for telling your parents of your position I think you should. Plan to meet them for a serious matter one of importance to you on the issue of religion. I feel sure they will respect your decision.

Answer 8

As a father of five, I most appreciate when my children are open with me about their doubts and/or lack of belief. When I sense that they are just pretending in order not to upset me, I feel hurt. On the other hand, I would not at all appreciate it if they were continually to throw it up in my face, act disrespectful during prayer at mealtimes (I would probably deserve it if I preached a "sermon" while saying grace, but I usually make it just one sentence or two at the most. Just saying thanks).
So a respectful questioning of my beliefs, yes. And if in that questioning it comes out that my child were totally unbelieving, I would be sorry, but would respect that and would appreciate their honesty.
Your mother is not necessarily like me, just feel your way gently.

Answer 9

I vote that you indulge her - after all, our mother's indulge us most of our lives.

If she ever asks point blank, don't lie. But if she doesn't bring it up, I wouldn't either if I were you - and I happily attend Midnight Mass with her every Christmas I was able - just because it would make her happy.

I also think it's very nice that you bow your head during prayer out of respect for others. Too few of us do things anymore out of respect for others - to few of us even care. I commend you for it - it's a sign of real maturity.

Answer 10

Been there, still am......I don't tell my mom and dad anything about my spiritual beliefs. It's not worth it. My mom is very staunch Catholic and I actually feel it would cause her way too much pain. I respect her and I nod politely and even can talk about dogma with her but I do not disclose my beliefs to her.
My parents would be devastated. I'm 34 and it's just not worth it.
Best to you.