How do you deal with an over sensitive child (4 years old)?

Question

My four year old son is over sensitive and gets highly upset over the smallest things and does not handle change. If we go a different route, If we move the car seat, If I change the furniture. He is a very sweet and loving child but If something doesn't go his way or happen the way he thinks its supposed to he goes to pieces! I know the difference between a spoiled brat who has to get his way and someone who is highly upset. (Yes-sometimes he just wants his way and I know how to handle these times) Sometimes he doesn't play well with other children b/c he gets very upset if he cant do things his way. For instance when he is playing blocks-he is perfectly fine with giving the other child half of the blocks but gets very upset if a child puts a block on what he is building. He plans it all out in his head before starting and color cordinates everything, If he runs out of a color he simply cannot understand WHY and is very upset b/c he can't finish it. He gets upset if you break ....

a cracker or granola bar & tries to put it back together and cannot understand WHY you cant. I have asked his pediatrician about all this and he says to just reasure him and he is fine. He is very smart and ahead in all academics (he was tested and he is at least one full year ahead) but cannot understand you cant put a cracker back together?? and is heartbroken b/c you go a different route? I don't know where to turn here. any KIND advice or a good book would be greatly appreciated. Please only NICE answers!!! thanks.

I do punish if he needs it but not if he is clearly heartbroken and upset. I explain everything to him over and over and it does not help. This crying may go on for 30 minutes and it could be b/c his cousin isn't 4 anymore! He will start to sit in the new car seat but cringes when he starts to set in it and starts crying like crazy and says "please mommy-I need my old car seat!"

He has a very stable life. We have always lived in the same house, I have always stayed home my children. He was only one when my daughter was born so he had no issues with that. His father and I have a great relationship. No one has passed away, nothing at all has happened that would have bothered him.
He also stutters and has essential tremor (hands shaky-hereditary) If this makes a difference.

Answer 1

My son was the same way, in certain things he still is. When he was 4 playing with his cars meant he lined them up according to color, if one was turned he would get upset..everything had to be just perfect in his eyes. I spent alot of time on the floor just playing with him and showing him different ways to do things and telling him it would be ok, and eventually it was.
My doctor said she wants to watch that because it could be signs of ocd (obsessive compulsive disorder)
He is 6 1/2 now and things are going good, I say take babysteps.. if you take a different route, tell him you are doing it so he can see how many red cars, or to see the cows.. move his car seat often, let him pick what side it is going to be on, if he picks the same side suggest that it goes on the other side because he might be able to see different things on the new road... purposely leave little things different than what he is use to.. mix things up some, make it fun for him.. use a "fun voice" when he is getting upset.
I have chosen to pick my battles, my son will still only eat a sandwich if it is cut a certain way, but he is more open to change in most of his play, and routine.

Answer 2

It does soubd liek the beginning stages of OCD or another unhderlying issue. But I read that you should keep him on a routine, if he has OCD that is something you DO NOT want to do, becuase than routines wil be a part of his life and it will only make him worse, not better. The whole point is trying to get him to understand that not EVERYTHING needs to be a routine. It just sounds like a mixture of OCD and emotions. Just start by having him change up the routines so maybe he can feel like he has some control. For bed, instead of putting on certain pajama's have him choose of different pair. Little things like that can help. But getting him into a routine is the worst thing you can do becuase it will set him in his ways and maybe now it won't matetr but when hes 25 it will control his life. Get a 2nd opinion an good luck.

Answer 3

He is motivated to want things in order.
He is intelligent for his age
He is very strong minded

You need to build a detailed picture up of his lifes influences over the past 4 years. Broken home, loss of a close family member, continuous child minders / lack of stability and routine, lack of attention – could be that he has been left to his own devices too much / he could have a mild form of autism. You obviously have enough concern to ask for help only I don’t think the people on here are professional enough and know enough detail to be able to give you the help/ support / reassurance you need. Go and see a professional child/family psychologist that is the best place to gain advice, not here.


Sincerely

Kaizen

Answer 4

If he's a year ahead, maybe you can talk with him about it at a meaningful level? Preschoolers are funny little people - they've just started to figure out how the world works, and they can get quite upset if it lets them down (like, for instance, if they KNOW the way to the shops and then you say you're going to the shops but don't use it). What happens if you tell him beforehand that you'll be going a different way - does that help, or make it worse?

The playing thing sounds totally normal to me, though. Most kids can play alongside another one long before they can play cooperatively with them.

Answer 5

I agree with the last person's answer - let him choose everything! I started giving choices to my children when they were 1 year of age - carrots or peas?, cheese or milk?, etc. This way they never felt a loss of control - they always knew they had a choice and really, it didn't ever make a difference to me what the choice was. Of course, when I needed to be stern, I always said, "you don't have a choice, period".

I might also suggest family counseling. Often a child who has witnessed something traumatic, or been abused in some way is looking for something to embrace, such as routine. If there is alcoholism in the family or any other kind of activity that might be troubling to a child, he may be searching for something to allow him to control his environment, since he has no control otherwise (my dad is OCD due to something like this - in his case, his stepfather used to beat his mom).

Good luck!!

Answer 6

As a mother of a 5 year old son like this... your son is OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)!!! There is no doubt about it. I read what you wrote, & my it sounded like you were writing about my son.
Keeping routine is very important. But on the other hand keeping consistent punishment is also important. My best advise to you on how to deal with him is keep his routine, but when you say NO, make it stick! If not then time out!!! I have to put my son in his room physically because he wont budge & has a melt down! Also talk to your pediatrician about this. If there is a label on this (most parents hate or will disagree) when it comes to school.. they will attempt to help his routine stay consistent for him.
Dealing with children like this is sometimes challenging. I know. But as he gets a little older it gets a little easier & better. I know that my son is the most loving of all children in the world. That makes some of the rough days seem so much less important. Dont worry it will work out in the long run. The fits will become a bit less as he gets older. This is a definite. Take deep breaths & relax!!!
Best of Luck to you & yours!

Answer 7

Children develop in several different fields. Mental, emotional physical. If your child is very smart, mabye his emotional development hasn't caught up yet. Monitor your own behavior. Would you act different towards him if he wasn't as smart as he is or as sensitive? Slowly but surely start exposing him to different experiences and show him that change is ok and good. Kinda like a butterfly. Does that make sense?

Answer 8

RElax. Do you know what, i have a four year old and you have exactly described him.

Its just part of their growing up dont worry about it. It is hard at times when you are trying to explain why things are the way they are, keep tellling him and he will soon understand. I am going through this with my son, and after explaining to him about 4-5 times (on seperate occasions) he totally understands and is making progress.

Answer 9

i would suggest getting a second or third opinion from different pediatricians. look around for one that specializies in behavioral issues.. if he is otherwise healthy and happy, then it is behavioral.. and i agree that it may be a mild form of autism or something like it...
your a good mom, and want the best for your kid... now just take him somewhere and see if there is something else going on... if not, then you just have a sensetive kid.. but what if?? this may only get worse when it is time to start school.

he sounds like my nephew... and my sis-in-law knew something was different, and she was persisitant.. now he has help, and is so much better for it.. and if she did not push he would have been left behind in his own little world and never function.. he now is active in school, and really smart. he still goes to thereapy and certain classes, but it is good for him...

Answer 10

My friends son was much like this, everything had to be orderly and neat and perfect and if anything was out of order, different or changed he would just be in hysterics and really upset. At the end of her tether she had him tested for Austism and he turned out to have a mild and manageble case of Austism with a dose of OCD as well.
See another paedeatrician and talk to them about it.