I need to klnow How can I get my son to listen to me.......?

Question

My son has been with this wonderful girl since he was 15 yrs. old. They have a son, and a set of twins. The thing is that they had a falling out, and ever since then he has been obssesing about it. Cant let go, hasn't been able to come to terms with the situation, has become increasingly abusive towards her. I have tried together with his sisters to have him understand that what he is doing is unacceptable. She has tried to show him in many ways that she loves him and cares for his well being, and the kids. Unfortunately, he just cant get past certain things..Well the last straw was when my grndson called me crying that they just keep fighting. I told her that if he goes back to her house to start a fight, simply call the police and have him locked up. I also told them both that they cant continue to have the kids wittness these fights, the are being traumatized, they both should be thinking of the kids.

Today was the last straw, she finaly locked him up. My questions is, I want him to learn the biggest lesson, by me not allowing him back in my house. I think he does what he does because he could go to "mom" when she throws him out. I want to know if this is something I should do to MAKE him understand that what he is doing is completely unacceptable.

He was let oout jail last nite, I didn't get a chance to speak with him... tonite I have my own Karate Promotion, and wont get home till late...Thanx to all for your advise...I will ltake all comments into consideration for all had something i could use....

Answer 1

It's hard for a guy having both his wife and mother "against" him. What he did/does is certainly wrong and you're correct in telling him what you think of his behavior.

Unfortunately he's the one needing to change and he's the one who needs to see why. You've quite clearly stated what you think of the situation. By saying where you stand again... he won't learn anything new, it could even make him more angry. He needs professional help, but this will only work when he's willing to seek professional help.

You and your grandchildren are in an extremely difficult situation, maybe even more as your son and his wife.
I hope... you can find the strength to keep loving them all and to keep your door open. Don't worry if you can't keep doors open every now and then, you're just human and you're already doing everything you can.

Maybe it's not a good thing to constantly confront him with these problems. You should (IMHO) however not be silent when something new happens. I hope you have a good contact with the parents of your sons girlfriend and my heart goes out to all involved...

There's one thing I must say, you're one of the best grandmothers ever !!!

Best wishes,

Bart.

Answer 2

I'll start off saying I feel for you and your daughter in law and kids. It's nice to see that you will put your foot down and not allow your son in your house until he gets it.
Ask him since he has children how he would feel if someone treated his daughter that way, or son. Because his actions now teach his kids on what behavior is acceptable by a spouse. They learn from him on how to be treated, same with the wife. The son will learn that this is how women are to be treated and how they are not to be respected.
Have them talk and go to family counseling that way there is a mediator in the room while they talk, that only works if both will participate. If not for them selves then for the kids, the kids need them together more than anything else.
Standing your ground will make him listen, especially if you have not done that before, and if he has respect for his mom and dad.
There are so many things out there that are in their way of getting back together. They both need to grow up and see if they can get past what ever went on in the past. Is if their love and life together is stronger than what ever event took place. Things aren't just going to go back to before but with work, attention, and affection things can change. They can drop the subject and be together and in love. Being betrayed hurts but it does not mean that it always has to stay that way. If he wants to make things better he will listen but not until the hurt goes away a bit. Men also have huge egos that get in the way acceptance.

Answer 3

you are definitely on the right track as far as not allowing him to come to your house when she puts him out. let him stay else where. at this point you can not teach him how to be a man, he should have learned that already but since he has you must exercise some tough love on him right now. and let them both know that if they dont get their crap together and soon that someone will call child protective on their butts and they wont have them children to destroy and mess up their life. tell your daughter in law to move away and allow her and your son some serious time apart and think about what the issues are and can the marriage be repaired. sounds like he needs some individual counseling and than they both need some marriage and parental counseling. GodBless.

Answer 4

I am not sure how old your son is now but what I suggest is don;t allow him to use you as a scape goat. You tell him that his actions have consequences and not only are they legal ones but personal ones as well. You remind him that as a Father he is responsible to behave himself around his children and that they are impressionable. Tell him how important it is that he be a good role model for his children. If he need to argue with his wife then they need to do it away from the kids because they will always remember the negative words that they said about each other, the kids are part of both Mother and Father so to offend one means to offend your kids. Pray for him and help the grand babies understand that although their parents do bad things sometime that they are not the reason and they are not BAD KIDS. I hope that it gets better for you soon. If your son is still a minor then you need to get him help for his anger issues and see if the mother of you daughter and Law can help her with someone to talk to as well. Family counseling is best in these circumstances.

Answer 5

It sounds like you have a serious situation on your hands. I think that you should cut off all contact with him to make him understand and realize just how serious you are about him straightening up his attitude. Of course he's going to run to you, because he has no where else to go. He needs to understand that by him and his girlfriend fighting, they are emotionally abusing their children. This is an unhealthy environment for them to be in and their display of behavior towards one another is totally unacceptable. What you need to do is let him pay for his wrong doings. Don't be the one to rescue him when he needs something or somewhere to stay. Maybe they just aren't meant to be together, and if that's the case, it sounds better than making those poor innocent children suffer with their abusive behavior towards one another.

Answer 6

You could try and set them up with a Family Mediator or Family Guidance facilitator.

It seems in some ways that your son may be suffering from depression or bi-polar as you specify that old ground keeps getting covered and the obsession over small details.

You've definately done the right thing so far, by being there for him and keeping your door open as I am sure this must be infuriating for you, but you definately need to refer either him or both of them to professional service providers. Try a parents advice line, they may be able to help.
good luck.

Answer 7

Thanks for standing up for the kids.
Thanks for trying to set your son straight.
What kind of community resources do you have where he may learn better relationship building skills?
If he is being abusive, get the girl out of there and slap a PFA on him.
I totally agree with what you are doing and would protect those kids with all my might. Once you are a parent, I feel you give up the right to act like an idiot. Please make sure the girl is on very effective birth control. Support her and refer her to community help/counseling/resources so that she can provide at least some stability and security for these kids. I would not hesitate to give my son a wake-up call if he acted like your son is. I would get the professionals involved. I respect what you are trying to do, but objective assistance and support would be a huge help as well.

I wish you and yours all the best. Hang in there. Thanks for having the kids' backs.

Answer 8

First of all let me tell you you are not alone. I have been there and done that with my son. Everythig you talked about has happened to us,even jail. Do what you can for your granchildren and take a step backward out of there life. Read Proverbs, it contains practical instructions for successful living.Proverbs deals with such matters as the discipline of children, social justice, foolish talk, and money. It ends by describing the character of an outstanding wife. My son eventually got a divorce, but we prayed about it alot. Good luck....

Answer 9

What a horrible situation! First of all, try to get the daughter in law in therapy, maybe even the children. If he is being abusive, obtain a restraining order against your son for their protection. Let him sit in jail for awhile to see how it feels to be a pain in the neck. These children certainly do not need to witness this, may be you can take the children in for awhile until the parents get their acts together. First and foremost, the children need to be protected.

Answer 10

Unfortunatly, you cannot do anything to 'fix' this situation yourself. Your son and his girlfriend have to do that themselves.
His girlfriend needs to put her foot down, and not let him back in this time. She needs to go to the authorities, and set up visitation for him and his kids with social services, and not be there when this takes place.
Of course, I don't know what this 'falling out' was, but from the sounds of it, it was major. Some people just cannot work past their differences. When you talk to your son about these issues, don't talk about the girlfriend, just his children. Make sure he knows about how your grandson called you crying, and how upset his kids are.
Unfortunaly, as parents it is almost impossible to totally close our doors to our children. Most of us will still worry about our kids as long as we live. But do let him know you will not be a safe haven when he screws up. Let him know you love him, and you will help him how ever you can when and if he decides to get help and make this situation right. But by right, I don't mean getting along and living with the girlfriend, but supporting and being there for his children.
Research counselors, clergy, and other people who could help him work through his anger, and present these options to him in a loving, not demanding way.
Most of all don't simply support the girlfriend, but above all do support your grandchildren, (not necessarily money wise), but let them know how much you love them. Also remember, if your son does choose to not be with this girlfriend, she may be the link between you seeing your grandkids for a while, until your son gets his head on straight. Be honest with her, tell her you wish they could make things work, but if not that you do understand she cannot put herself, and the kids in a bad situation. Offer to take the kids for a couple of hours, or over night to your house to give her a much needed 'break', (with 3 children I am sure she could use this). Let her see your intentions are purley for the best interest of the children, and that the adults need to be just that, adults and know when to cut their losses, or when a relationship with another adult is to far gone to continue beating yourself up over.
There is never an easy answer to questions like yours. I was just really glad to see you were most concerned with the children. Be a loving grandparent. That is what they need most from you. God Bless you and your family.