A serious question about adoption of a family member. PLEASE I would like info?

Question

Hi there,

I am 25 years old and I have 3 kids of my own, I live in a long term stable relationship with my soon to be wife (we get married in two weeks) I just say she's my wife anyway but technically she's not for another two weeks.

I have a 12 year old sister, who my parents find very, hard and difficult and they are at their ends with her. I already have her on a respite basis 3 days a week and alternating weekends, but the thing is I think my parents want me to keep her permanently as they both now have health problems and they are been made worse by my sisters behaviour.

My parents have skirted around this asking general questions and making passing comments relating to me keeping Chloe, but have not came out and asked me directly if I would keep my sister.

I have already talked to my partner (wife in two weeks) about this and she agreed that taking into consideration my parents failing health, my sisters behaviour and the passing comments that my parents have made about us keeping my sister that it is probably best for everyone if we were to adopt her. My wife also really likes my little sister and they get on really well together and my sister has said in the past when she has been here for her respite visits that she wished she didn't have to go home.

My question really is would I be allowed to adopt my sister when my parents were still alive, (I want to stress here that my parents HAVE MADE passing remarks about me keeping her) and would me and my wife be considered as adoptive parents for a 12 year old when we are only 25, and how does it stand on adopting a family member?

If you have any information that you think you can share then I would be eternally grateful, because I am just trying to build up a picture before I bring the subject up with my parents. Even though they have skirted around it I want to be sure what I am talking about, or at least sure enough to approach them with it, so thanks for all your help

PLEASE DO NOT JUST LEAVE SARCASTIC COMMENTS I REALLY WANT TO FIND OUT SOME INFO and I don't want to start going through official channels until I am sure in my head what I am doing

Answer 1

Wow! You're taking on quite the responsibility when many guys your age are still playing video games and riding skateboards and chasing girls as mere lust objects. Congratulations!

Contact Lutheran Social Services or Catholic Social Services and get hooked up with a caseworker to help you and your soon to be wife wade through the paperwork mountain to hurdle.

Possible options: Long term in-family foster care for your sister. Every state has different set-ups, but siblings will end up foster parents in some circumstances.

If you qualify as a foster parent, you will receive Social Security dependent benefits for your sister because your parents are disabled (is that the case?)

You would have the social service organization helping you become a parent to your sister.

The Lutherans and Roman Catholics have wonderful social services ready to help you out. The Baptists do too in some parts of the country as do the Mormons and Jewish Communities.

Just stay out of the clutches of the state social services if at all possible.

Answer 2

I feel so sad for you.
Will your sister be forced to get a Chinese name too?
Wikipedia is not a reliable source, but they've got a whole thing about adoption.

Are you financially set to take care of 4 children? Aside from Chloe and your future wife getting along fantastically, have you considered what your life would be like and the possible financial strain it could cause on your already existing family?

I probably sound so cruel, but I'm the kind of person who analyzes everything and all possibilities before making a life changing decision.

Anyway, good luck.

Answer 3

My best friend had to go to rehab and she gave my parents legal custody of her daughter throughout that time. (Her biological mother was murdered and she doesn't know her father, my parents have practically raised her and her daughter knows my family as her own).. so, anyhow.. before going into rehab she spoke with an attorney who told her, all she needed was a written letter signed by her, my parents, and a notary public, stating that she was giving full custody to my parents to make any decisions, medical or otherwise on hers/her daughters behalf until further arrangements were made. That was all they needed. However, this is a temporary fix, it could at least get the ball rolling, so that legally you could have guardianship until all the necessary paperwork for adoption can be completed. Good luck and I commend you and your wife both, I am the same age as you so I know what an obligation you are taking on. You must be a fabulous brother, and a great person! You and your wife alike!

Answer 4

Whew! You'd be taking on a LOT in your new marriage. You have put a lot of thought to this and your partner sounds like a very understanding woman! The one thing you are NOT looking at, is that the acting-out is against her authority figures--and that will be YOU and your new wife if you take the 12-yr old girl into your home--adopted or not!! She's not yet officially a teenager, and will need structure, rules, attention and ten-to-one, she could become jealous of your wife and your own children. Teenagers know how to split adults--particularly to get around rules, etc. You need to know that LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH! AND, you would have to stick with whatever arrangement until she is an adult. She would be a prime candidate to bounce from one home to a foster home and into trouble. Good Luck, whatever your decision.

Answer 5

I do not think you should adopt her. Continue the respite as is. What until you are married longer before you take the next step. You need to consider the well being of your 3 kids first. and your soon to be wife. Your sister does sound like a handful. If something happens to your parents maybe you could get custody. You sound like you have a big heart..So tread slowly....Do your parents have a will??

Answer 6

Look, I don't know in USA, but in Brazil it is allowed. I think u can check at the adoption centers. I knew somebody who went through exactly the same thing, the only difference is that he has no children and he was on his 40's. But since you are 25 which is already legally adult, I don't see why you can't. But if your sister is having bad behaviour in your parents house, do u think that u will be able to settle her down, since paying a visit is very different from living together.

Answer 7

If you live in the UK you don't need to adopt her, you can apply for a Residence Order and Parental Responsibility. You can also apply for Special Guardianship. These are quicker than an Adoption Order and are less intrusive for the family. They would give her stability and you the responsibility and right to make decisions on her behalf.
Other than that she can simply live with you, she will soon be old enough to be considered 'Gillick' competent which means she can make her own decisions about medical treatment etc;

Answer 8

If there is a need for a child to be taken care of by someone other than her immediate family, most social services agencies would give priority to relatives and/or close friends of the family.

I believe the parents would need to go to court and relinquish their parental rights to "Chloe." They would probably need to prove that she is ungovernable which probably requires a history of running away, truancy, etc., general adolescent acting-out behaviors. I am not sure if a judge would allow them to relinquish custody based soley on their health issues. Your best bet would be to wait until after your wedding, and then you and your new wife should see a lawyer who specializes in family matters. If the matter can be settled privately without the introduction of so-called "social service agencies", all the better.

Not to say that you and your future wife would not make good parents, but taking on an adolescent is a huge task for some newlyweds. If you're prepared for it, that's fine. You and your wife may be beneficial to the child in that you can probably remember your own teenage years well. But you will have to be parents to her rather than "friends". It's a nessecary evil of parenting. If you're ready for that responsibility, then more power to you. Your wife is to be admired for her stance in this situation. Good luck to all of you.

Answer 9

It sounds like it is an uncontested issue with your parents so you could become her legal guardian if your sister wants that. You could also become her adoptive parent but that is a social issue she would have to explain away all the time. Legal guardianship sounds like a very logical solution to your situation. Adoption strips your parents of their parental rights. It really does sound like you have a very open relationship with your parents and your sister as well as your future wife. I would suggest a family meeting with all involved in the decision making process (this includes your sister as it is her life too) and make a decision together as a family. Hope this helps.

Answer 10

First, I would suggest family counseling. You, your wife-to-be, your parents and your sister. Then, if all the signs are go, contact a lawyer and see how the adoption process would work for you and wife. It would probably be best to wait for the lawyer until you are married. Counseling will take time also, to resolve matters. Good luck, and think you're great for considering this option.