Whats the right thing to do with my seven year old daughter?

Question

I am a single mom with a seven year old daughter. Up until 6 months ago we lived with my parents and siblings, we also shared a room. Six months ago we moved out with my long term boyfriend. Her father is rarely in the picture and she prefers not to see him. My daughter is a wonderful,shy,smart girl. Her one fault is bedtime. She usually goes to bed alright, but I can't get her to stay asleep through the night. She wakes up crying and scared. She wants me with her. She spends alot of weekends at my parents house. She loves it there, and I think its mostly because my mom sleeps with her when she is there. My question is...do i go in and sleep with her when she cries to comfort her? Or do I let her cry and tell her she needs to sleep alone. There has already been so many changes for her recently, I have a hard time doing that. Please lend me your advice. Thanks.

Answer 1

Let her know you are there, but try to get her to sleep on her own. There is no problem in letting her know that if she gets scared throughout the night she can come to you and you will make her feel safe, but it is also healthy for her to be sleeping on her own. It will take alot of adjustment time for her, there is no "switch" to make her feel safe with all the changes she is going through. Just make sure she know you are ALWAYS there for her.

Good Luck

Answer 2

It seems to me that now is not the best time to insist that she change the routine that she is used to. I don't know how long its been that you've been going in and sleeping with her when she is upset but, she is used to it now. I think at seven years old, she's too old to let her cry it out as you would with a baby. She clearly needs comfort and I think you, appropriately from my view, feel the need to comfort her. Have you gotten any help in trying to work on why she awakens so often (is it every night?) and is so upset? Does she have repetitive bad dreams? Is she conscious of being scared or needy or is she just half asleep and needing to be comforted and let to fall back to sleep without ever really waking up? Does she talk about it? Is this something you've talked about during the day -- I don't mean her behavior but, I mean her need for so much comforting every night. Does she know what upsets her? It sounds like she has spent most of her life sharing a room if not a bed with someone and that could certainly be how she likes it by now. I would not tell her she needs to sleep alone at this point. I don't see this as a discipline thing or something that she needs to be punished about. (unless she is being manipulative? But I don't get that sense from the info you've given) She may be jealous of the boyfriend and know that your bed is the one place that he gets to be in and that she doesnt. Is that possible? Is she afraid that he will leave as her father did? Or is she afraid that he will end up being like her father is? The bottom line for now though is that if there have been a lot of recent changes, don't rock the boat by insisting that this behavior change right now as well.

Answer 3

I think you have to ease her out of your bed and out of your room little bit by little bit.

Maybe a mat close to bed, and explain once a week as she grows, you move the mat a little further away from your bed. A little closer to her bed.

During the day, play with her in her room. Make sure all of her stuff is in her room. Ask her if there's something special that scares her about this room (besides Mom not being there).

We had a child-sized cassette tape player and different disney tapes my kids loved to listen to. When she wakes up in the middle of the night frightened, show her how to turn the story back on. Maybe listening to that story will help her fall back asleep.

I know it's so comforting when grandma sleeps with her, but this business with adult plus kid in same bed is not helping matters.

I hope everything works out!

Debbie
TX Mom

You might be able to rig a series of mirrors so that whenever she wakes up, she can still see you. Or you could do a close caption TV so even if she's in her own room she can always see you.

Answer 4

At this age, children are very impressionable and it is very important to see her needs.
On one side, yes, you should help her, but she also needs to see that changes are a normal part of life, and not all of them are bad.
Try making it a process not a "cold turkey sleep alone" kinda deal.
Maybe you can set aside one or two nights a week where you plan a mommy-daughter sleep over. On those nights she gets to ask you about all the things she wants to know and what she is afraid of. Try not to judge her fears, they might seem small to you, but they consume her world, she is only 7 and you are her world.
If that works, try weaning her off by leaving the door open, going to buy a night light she gets to pick and reading a story when you put her to bed.
In any case, she needs to know that you love her and that you will not leave her, like her dad did. You're here for good.
I wish you lots of luck and I hope these tips gave you some ideas.

Answer 5

Prove to her there's nothing to be afraid of. Ask whats she's afraid of and show her it's not scary. Ask her if she'd be more comfortable with a night light. DO NOT let her sleep with you or sleep in her room, because it's not a phase... it's a habit!!!!! Set a bedtime and time to get up everyday so she gets into a good routine. Make sure she doesn't have food 2 hours before bedtime (it's unhealthy and can keep her up)

Lay out a sleeping bag in your room and tell her once a week she can sleep in it only if she needs it. Don't enforce it or encourage it, just tell her it's there once a week.

Answer 6

Don't go in and sleep with her but certainly support her through this time. Prolonging the sleeping will make it harder to break the habit and you need to think of yourself and your relationship with your partner. She has been through a lot and shouldn't be left to cry. She is old enough to explain to her that she needs to be in her own bed. Perhaps set up a reward system for spending the night in her bed or buy her a special new cuddle toy to sleep with. You will need to be understanding of the changes she has had and your instinct will tell you what to do with not letting her get too upset. She may even need some counselling or get some professional support for both of you to help you through this time Best wishes.

Answer 7

With the changes that have been going on in her life I would just go in and lay down with her till she goes to sleep. Also if she wakes up during the night go in and lay down with her. My children did this when I remarried and moved out of our old place. Changes can be scary for an adult, just imagine what it would be like if you were 7 years old and your live had changed like that. Also if she is used to some one sleeping with her she is going to naturally be scared. She will soon get used to the changes in her live and this will no longer be a problem. They are only young once, so you need to be there for your child while they want you there. My children usued to sleep with me, but after I got remarried I did not see it appropriate for my children to be sleeping in the same bed with me and my husband. I also set down and explained why they could not sleep with me in terms they could understand. If she is having bad dreams, you need to find out why. There probably is more to it than her bed time routine.

Answer 8

Just take her back to her bed and comfort her until she falls asleep again. Then go back to your own room. This may go on for a while, but pretty soon she will start to feel more secure. You also need to have your mom stop sleeping with her, this will not help the situation. I know how grandparents are, but in order to help your daughter sleep on her own your mom needs to be on board. She can lay with her until she falls asleep but she has to go back to her room. Again, if she wakes up grandma can comfort her until she is back asleep (in her bed) then grandma must go back to hers. If this doesn't happen you will probably be sleeping with your daughter the rest of your life.

Answer 9

My daughter did the same thing when at 5 I finally moved her from my bed to her own bed. After a couple weeks of late night wake ups and nightmares she now sleeps alone in her room with her door closed!!

Give your little one some time to adjust, she will. Have you decorated her room to her liking and organized it how she feels comfortable? Pillows and blankets comfortable and all her "own"?? If she falls in love with her room she will love sleeping in it!

Good luck!

Answer 10

Do you normally go in and comfort her, and when did this start? If it's longterm, then perhaps she just has a hard time going back to sleep on her own. If it just started, it may be related to changes or something else disturbing her. I'd see a pediatrician to rule out causes like enlarged adenoids (a big clue is they snore and wake up a lot) or other problems (is she having nightmares? is she anxious?) Good luck.