How do you help a parent go through a second divorce?

Question

My mother is just beginning the process of divorcing my step-father of 7 years... She discovered his online cheating for the 3rd time and is fed up of giving him chances to redeem himself... Well everything is going to have to change for all of us (5 kids, one is his)... How do I help her through this??.. other than helping with bills, stuff around the house and with the rest of the kids...

Also, I was planning on moving out by mid next year when after getting married... would that be abandoning her in a time of need??

Answer 1

No it's not abandoning her, by mid next year it won't be a crisis anymore, and anyway, though it's lovely and laudable that you're trying to help, it's not your responsibility.

It's good that you are accepting it as a responsibility though, and I think just by being there for your mum to talk to (when you've moved out, ring her a lot, and go over to see her if you live close enough) and helping out in the house and with your brothers and sisters and bills etc you're doing a great job.

Answer 2

No, you would not be abandoning your mother by moving out and establishing your own married life. How to help your mother? There are steps one goes through when they get a divorce~denial, anger, hurt, slowly but surely they begin to heal and during this time it would be good to just find time for her; light fluffy fun time. Perhaps watching a movie together, cooking together or just simply being together without too much conversation that is negative. She will be fine. Don't worry about her feeling the pain of the separation, she can not avoid this, but she will come out of it. It just takes time.

Answer 3

1. The main thing is focusing and circulating thoughts and energy toward healing and letting go of any negative emotions. Giving her space and supporting her unconditionally no matter what so you don't add any worries to what she already may go through. So don't worry about being there or not being there, etc. Just focus on what is natural for you and her to give and take between you, and that will maintain as normal and stable a relationship as possible while this other one goes through its final ups and downs. Remind her that she deserves time and space to go through her grief or anger, that her thoughts and feelings may fluctuate and that's normal and okay. She should not take on his problems or blame, and you should not do that for her either, but it is a natural reaction sometime to project and displace emotions unfairly that way while people are at odds like this. So be forgiving if some of the mud gets slung around and hits you, and try not to let it hurt you too much. That will happen so let her know you understand and will try to work with her no matter what she goes through.

The guilt in this case lies with the person who deceived and cheated the other; but if that person does not take responsibility and apologize, then the guilt often gets dumped on the other people who then pass it onto to others.
Do not accept secondhand guilt but put it back to the source.
Help your mom let go of this by reminding each other where it came from so neither of you feels it or blames the wrong thing.

2. If you do not feel you can handle walking her through this, and she does not have any other close friends or family to lean on PLEASE recommend counseling or support groups; either personally visiting a counselor, or sharing online on one of my favorite forums -- the Break Up Survival site on MSN groups. Those people on there are INCREDIBLE and have been through it all. They know the ups and downs and can talk anyone through anything and survive it. You can pick and choose between different people's advice or thoughts and follow what works for you, so you can't lose. So look online for that and recommend it to your Mom or anyone else you know going through the grief of a breakup.

3. In general, you can be supportive without imposing on your own space. In fact, it is not good for your relationship with your Mom or with anyone to be leaned on so much you feel resentment. You should NEVER give or take more than you can afford (either physically or emotionally or timewise) if it's going to harm the relationship. That is not helping you or her.
Again, the best thing is to keep the relationship on common ground and stable, so you don't add any more drama. Find and stick to what is right and natural for you, and that will help the most. Support your Mom in sharing with other family and friends so she doesn't feel she is going at it alone. That will put less burden where it doesn't belong.

Note: I'm sorry this is happening, but just remind her that she is better off separating from a dishonest relationship and keep encouraging her and reminding her how strong she is to make the decision to stand up for herself and walk away instead of denying or continuing emotional abuse. She did the hardest part, so remind her of that. The rest will eventually work itself out. Many people go through 2 or 3 stages in life with different partners because we live longer these days and go through more than one "chapter" in life; so remind her that growth and moving forward is good, and this is not necessarily failure. How we deal with change is what determines success or failure, so doing the right thing is always good and never wrong. Tell her it's okay, and let her go through her stages at her own pace. Believe me, just being there and loving her is good. Sometimes we cannot help more than that, so don't try to do more than you can.

Love, Emily