My head is saying "Fool, forget him!" My heart is saying "Don't let go!"?

Question

This one is a long one, but I tried summing it up the best I could.

I’ve been dating this guy for a 1 ½ year now. There was moment of bliss that turned out to be a strong bond and love for each other. I never felt so connected to someone, except for when I was with my first love when I was 18, I am now 31.

We never fought. I am the social butterfly and he’s the laid back type. We seem to fit like hand and glove.

A short time had passed after we first started dating. Then the bomb hit. I found out, he is a cocaine addict. I was shocked and so deeply hurt and disappointed.

How could something so real, so right, that I have waited for, for so long end up so wrong?

I cried like a baby. Every time I find someone, something has to be so horribly wrong with them! I feel cursed!

My past speaks for itself. I have dated a long line of losers and users. This one didn’t carry those characteristics. He wasn’t mean, he wasn’t trying hard to impress. He was just himself, and a sweetheart at that.

This is what made it so difficult for me to detach at that time. I saw potential in him. I saw so much good, and so I invested myself in him to hopefully make a difference. The other girls he dated were not of the best kind and I was the most stable “normal” woman he ever dated. His parents even agreed and hoped things would get better.

They did….for a short time. Then, just when things started looking up, just when he started doing better at work, got a car, caught up on bills and began repairing his relationships he’d screw up again!

It has been like a roller coaster and I feel so much empathy for his mother and father, for what he has been putting them through for years.

Just recently he checked himself into a rehab for a week. He then followed up with out patient care and meetings. He “graduated” from that, and has gotten a new job and new car.

Mind you it had been some time since he had a car last, and the last time he did, he totaled it on purpose and went on a cocaine binge.

The first day with the car, he disappears for over an hour, when he tells his father he is going to drop off a prescription. He comes back and of course, his parents aren’t happy.
There’s virtually no trust left, and I don’t blame them, because I have so little myself.

He took off again then came back a little later. I wanted him to come over last night, because I was going to be all alone in my apartment. I don’t like being alone. So, he was supposed to be on his way, when he never showed up. He called me at around 1:30am stating that he just needed to be alone and was just driving around. Mind you, his father had just given him $15, so you know what we all were thinking.

I was just so hurt and ticked! I couldn’t believe he was doing this. Just a week before we came back from vacation and he couldn’t wait to go home, or so I thought, but in reality he went out and used again!

He just seems to expect a lot, and wants everyone to turn the page. It isn’t that easy. I love this guy, but I can’t trust him and it frustrates me. I also have an 11 year old son. I know what I need to do, but my heart doesn’t know how to do it. I don’t want to be stuck in this crazy whirlwind anymore; at the same time my heart is broken. What should I do?

Answer 1

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Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to this question. The simplest thing is to say, "He's bad news. Stay away." But that doesn't take your feelings into account. You are going to feel bad about this for a long time. Here's another way to look at it though, that might help:

This guy that you know now is not the guy you fell in love with. THAT guy doesn't really exist. The guy you fell in love with is not addicted to cocaine. The guy you're with now is a different person, and one who is not deserving of your love. While understanding that addiction is an illness and so forth, it is still an illness that someone chooses over the ones that they supposedly love.

What if this perfect man you love had turned out to be cheating with another woman? You would say, "You're not the man I thought you were" and move on. You would move on sadly, but you would move on.

This is the same. He is cheating on you with cocaine, and you have to move on. It's okay to do it sadly, but you know in your heart of hearts that it's what you have to do.

What is the alternative? Do you see yourself with a happily-ever-after with this guy? Do you see yourself 40 years from now sitting on a nice front porch watching your grandchildren play in the yard? Or do you see yourself with years of watching his every move, and worrying about him every time he leaves the house? Do you see yourself coming home one day to find that the house, car, and all of your possessions have been repossessed because he spent all of the "family" money on cocaine?

Again, you know what to do, and it's okay to be sad about it, but it has to be done. Kiss him goodbye...
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Answer 2

This is a very hard situation. I've been here so many times, I can't even begin to tell you. I've stayed with men in the past who have been the most kind, caring people and as soon as I turn around I'd be made a fool of over and over again. I've been stood up, left at restaurants, lied to, cheated on.... all of it. Each and every time it was impossible to leave them, because there was always that special bond. But I have to admit, now that I have found a REAL man who doesn't have any annoying quirks (well, besides leaving stinky socks laying around - lol) it really makes me look back and say "what was I thinking?" At the time, it was impossible to feel like I should move on. I couldn't imagine it, I thought I'd never love again. But now, I really see it so differently. It hurt a lot - more than I care to think about - every time I had to leave one of them. When you find the right person, it will work even better than this one. You'll have trust, love and he'll respect you..... but you have to expect these things. You must raise your standards and say to yourself that you're worth so much more than this, you will NOT be treated this way. You WILL find someone who has similar traits and characteristics, without the addiction who will care deeply for you. First, you have to learn to love yourself. If you do, you won't settle for less. Trust me, coming from someone who was in your exact same situation (and so many others) I know. Real and true love is worth the wait and it's so rewarding. You'll wonder why you stuck around for so long with the wrong people. Learn from this and move on. It will hurt, maybe for a while, but you deserve more. Much more.

Answer 3

I read your whole story...really. Been there done that, not exactly the same but been through alot myself, and alot older than you too.

Ok darlin most of what you wrote about you wrote about him his personality, his character and so on. You went into much detail about HIM and HIS life. What your really NOT doing even though you think you are is thinking about YOU and YOUR life and your sons, FIRST. Your an adult and this guy your with is an adult. Your first priority once you have a child is that childs. Your life and your lifestyles effect your children. Now I know you said when you first met this guy you thought by the way he treated you and acted that you weren't going to run into this problem with him...BUT YOU DID and you've made a decision to stay with this person....because? Now this person who's been in rehab is using and screwing up again. OK so now ask yourself if you don't care enough about yourself and your child IS HE GOING TO?

NO and you know it. You just need a little bit more self esteem and self respect that you no matter what will not allow yourself to get involved with anymore of this crap for the rest of your life.

You have to make a decision who's life do you want to live yours or someone elses and what do you want out of your life, this or do you want to find someone who really does care about you and wants to give you the life you and your boy so truly deserve. Stop beatin yourself up and if you can't then think of your boy and what this is doing to him.

Sorry....but as you can see if you read any of my answers on this thing....I don't sugar coat my opinions, or suggestions. It might come across as being cold or bitchy and that I do apologize for....sometimes people have a hard time with it being put right in there face.

You need to think about yourself and from this point on in your life don't ever put yourself back on the shelf for anyone ever again. The person that truly loves you will never want you to and will love you for who and what you are, oh and will not challenge that. Good Luck I wish you well.

Answer 4

What a difficult situation! I'm sorry you have to go through this!

Does he know how you feel?

If it was me, and I know this is easier said than done, I would sit down with him and tell him the truth. You are uncomfortable with his drug us, and you would like it to stop. You'll be there to support him if he choses to give it up, but if he doesn't, it's over.

You have to think about you and your son first. Your son should not be around that; is this guy the father? If so, it's going to be hard on your son to leave--especially if he doesn't know about the drugs-- but it's for the best.

If you take this path, be prepared for lies, though. There's a good chance he'll tell you what you want to hear--make sure you are on top of EVERYTHING, and start disconnecting from him if you suspect he is still using.

Whatever you do--don't feel guilty about what happens. He made his choices and you made yours. Don't let him ever put the blame on you!

And if worse comes to worse, don't forget, you found love twice, already, and third time's the charm ;)

Answer 5

That is a miserable thing, I really feel bad for you. Honestly, I didn't have to read past "he is a cocaine addict" to formulate my opinion, but I did read your whole post. The reality is this. He can change, but you aren't going to change him. You do have an 11 year old son to think about. As much as you love your boyfriend, he is equally in love with himself and your unwillingness to move on and hold him accountable for his behavior keeps him from changing rather then helping him change.
I know all of this is easier said then done and I know the nature of addiction. You seem to have a great heart and it is hard for big hearted people to see the value of leaving someone behind. However, there is a time for people to see the consequences of their behavior if they are ever going to change that behavior. It may be that the kindest thing you can do for him is leave him.

Answer 6

He is an addict and you have an 11 year old child.

You have a child!

Once you have a child it can't be all about you anymore. I understand you heart is broken but you have to look out for your son. Or are you going to wait until something tragic happens to put you or your child at harm?

Every time he uses, every time he lies, he's just showing you how little you matter in the big scheme of things.

I don't see what the dilemna is. He is going to have to hit rock bottom before he makes any real attempt at getting clean...or not. He may become a casualty of his habit. Both are very real possibilities. BUT.. you can't save him. You have to take care of yourself so your SON can be taken care of, kept safe and healthy.

Answer 7

As you said, you know what you have to do. Yes, he is in the grip of a very powerful addiction, but you can't fight it for him, and hopefully you're coming to realize he's not going to change just for you. Think of the legal, financial, and emotional problems he already has and could continue to cause you. Think of the example he's setting for your son. Then please try to believe that you can do better and, as hard as it may be, leave him to either fully devote himself to the process of recovery or pursue this destructive path alone.

Answer 8

When you love someone you always expect them to change for you "if they love you in return" but in this case he is going to have to hit rock bottom and realize what is more important to him in his life and that might just mean that you walk away from this relationship for a while or maybe forever, understand that you cannot change him, and that you need to look out for yourself especially after all those horrible relationships and you need to look after your son, it's hard it's gonna be hard but you deserve someone who will be your all and more and don't ever again settle for less, he will find you...

Answer 9

Someone's been watching "GREASE".

You know what you need to do. Leave this unhealthy relationship. Take you son, and leave, and do not look back. You deserve a happier life, one w/o drugs and other unhealthy practices. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your son.

You say your heart doesn't know what to do. Then do it for you son. Ok? Hope this helps.

Answer 10

ok first of all i thought there was a limit on how many words you use>?? wonder what happen to that! anyways my best advise to you and it may seem harsh is to cold turkey forget about him busy your self with your son busy your self with work!! you dont honestly need another person to be looking after you have a son to worry about you dont need another and i know it will b hard cuz it is nice to have a man in your life to b there to catch you but it seems like your the net to be catching him all the time your a woman and the roles need to be reverse!! just cold turkey him!