Can I forgive my sister who tried to destroy me?

Question

My sister stole my identity to take out 2 loans and 5 credit cards in my name and has been doing this for 3 years. I found out 2.5 months ago. I paid the loans, she's took the credit cards out of my name and my credit is still F**cked.

My sister says she wasn't thinking. But it's a lie. This was very premeditated. Now i'm so comsumed with hate and rage, how do I deal with it? She gets her kids to phone me and trys to pull on my heart strings so I don't turn her in. My mom does the same. They live near each other, talk to each other and I feel like i'm nothing to them. Like i'm making a big deal out of it. Like I should forgive and forget. Pay her depts in my name and shut up. It was alot of money! I worked hard for that. She was my best friend, now I morn her like she's dead. And who she was to me is dead. Now I know she doesn't care about anybody but herself.

How do I get on with my life? I'm so bitter! No, she's not an addict. She is a 38 yrold housewife with 3 kids.

Answer 1

Your sister needs to accept responsibility for what she has done. No wonder you are full of bitterness, she has used your good name to steal and is now willing to walk away and let you take the consequences of her actions.

If you don't pay, and don't tell the companies concerned what happened, you may be forced to repay a large amount of money at best, or at worst you could be charged with fraud, or even conspiracy to defraud. Conspiracy is a very serious type of crime and could even result in a prison sentence.

However, to go forward you may need to separate your hurt feelings about her behaviour from your practical, legal obligations.

Do you legally have a duty to report what your sister has done, the answer is obviously yes.

Do you want to do this, well from an emotional point of view, maybe not.

Can you persuade her to pay the money owed over a period of time, direct to the companies concerned? That way, you keep your credit rating and she stays out of legal trouble? That would be an acceptable compromise.

If she refuses to do this, I honestly don't see you have much choice ~ you will have to report her activities or pay up.

Personally, if I decided to pay up, I would not speak to her (or my mother) again, until they apologised and repaid the money.

And change your phone number so the kids can't be forced to contact you with their pleas. In fact, unless there is a big reason you want to stay there, now might be a great time to move to another place altogether, and not leave a forwarding address.

I sure hope this works out for you.

Best wishes :-)

Answer 2

Jennifer,
I'm not expert on this, but I want to throw in my 2 cents. I've known people like this too. I've also cared deeply about people that screwed me over. All I can say is that it's easier to forgive if you have an understanding of why they did it. There's no doubt that her weak excuses suck and don't ring true. That's because they are coming from the same person that did these dirty deeds. She's not going to suddenly become a reasonable and honest person.
However - that does not mean that you can't get this figured out, and come to some kind of understanding that will help you forgive. The bottom line is - she's messed up. I'm not saying she's crazy. I'm saying that she has a personality disorder, perhaps she is slightly sociopathic or something like that. Not enough to murder or do something that bad, but clearly, her 'cause and effect - right wrong meter' in her head is busted. It doesn't mean that she doesn't still care. It means that she just doesn't connect her actions with the impact to you, or if she does, she thinks 'oh well' instead of empathizing and not doing it.
I believe you need to see a counselor. Not because of your own mind, but in order for them to help you get this sister figured out. They can tell you what motivates a person like this to screw up someone they love. When you understand, you can forgive. You may never be her best buddy again, and I'd definitely keep her at arms length, and I'd definitely put a lock on my credit if I were you, but you might be able to associate at Christmas, and baby sit the kids now and then, and God knows they clearly need a positive role model.
That's my advice. Get a counselor. Don't let her jerk you around or manipulate you. That's another part of her mental issue. The heartache part, you probably just have to work through. I have no advice on that, but I wish I did.

good luck
Kevin

Answer 3

Want to know the truth? You should have called the cops on her. What she did is illegal. If you did that, then you could have gotten all of this taken off your credit, because YOU didn't do it. If I were you, I'd consult an attorney about this. I love my sisters with a passion, but if any of them did this to me, they'd be getting a call from my lawyer and would pay every cent back, or go to jail. The law is the law. People who love you don't steal from you.

That said, if you are set on just letting it go and moving on, then all I can suggest is getting some counseling. But so long as your credit is messed up, you'll constantly be reminded of this every time you try to do something. You are well in your right to never speak to her again, so don't feel guilty. That said, if you can pull off forgiving AND forgetting, then you're a better man than me. I'd forgive, but I'd never forget.

Answer 4

First of all she is a very selfish and self-centered person.Not to mention very concieted.If she did this to you then she's gonna do it to someone else.There is no forgive and forget.She broke the very bond that holds the trust between you two.She cannot be trusted anymore.I wouldn't let her within 50 feet of you.I would also tell her to her face that she is a huge disgrace to you and a huge letdown as a sister.YOU ARE NEVER SUPPOSED TO HURT FAMILY AND EXPECT THEM TO STILL TRUST YOU.It will be a long time before she can ne anywhere near you until you finaaly accept what she's done and move on.She needs to apologize to you and she needs to make some sort of retribution to you for all the destruction she caused your credit.That was heartless.
I had a family memeber do that to her dad and she ruined him for it.He didn't turn her in but he won't ever trust her again.She came into money and she didn't even pay him back one penny for what she did.She spent it on herself and on frivilous things.This sister sounds to me like my family member.
Best advice.If your sister ever thinks that she can get away with this,remind her that even though you have paid dearly for her actions,you won't hesitate to turn her in the next time you catch wind of her actions.She can still be held accountable for what she did to you even though the loans have been paid.Fraud can still be proven on papaer.The IRS DOESN'T PLAY WHEN IT COMES TO SOMETHING LIKE THIS AND NEITHER DOES THE LAW.She doesn't know how badly either one can mess her up for life if they caught wind of this.They don't care if you have kids or not.Believe me.They will bring down everyone involved if they have to and leave you on the street with NOTHING AT ALL.
Good luck and best wishes.Do not let her anywhere near you.She will still see you as an easy target.If she does this to someione else in the family or to someone else on the outside,I would report her immediately.It'll be a sad lesson learned for her but she'll see what it is like to not be trusted.

Answer 5

I would personally suggest turning her in. Whether or not she is related to you is irrelevant. If I loaned my best friend 20 bucks, and he didn't return it eventually, I'd be pissed. And thats if I gave it willingly. Say he stole my wallet, spent 80 dollars of my money, I'd be really pissed. So say he opens up accounts in my name, uses large amounts of my money, and screws up my credit? Turn that asshole in. If she really loved you she'd think about what she might be doing to you. And then she tries to get you to forget, not forgive, by having HER KIDS call you about it. This woman obviously has some problems, because she's showing poor judgment, poor parenting, and untrustworthiness. A good mother would never let her children get involved in something like this. You don't have to take it.

Answer 6

i dont blame you for being bitter, but i question why you are treating this differently because she is your sister. Family loyalty is obviously VERY questionable here, and if this were anyone else you would not pay the debt or hesitate to turn them in. Why the hesitation now? it was clearly premeditated and over a sustainable period of time. You know what you should do

Answer 7

Your sister needs to pay her debts and she needs to repay you for all of your losses. YOU have a RIGHT to expect her to be honest and to leave your life and credit alone. What she did was wrong and it was illegal. She could go to prison for what she did and she probably deserves it.

As far as her getting her kids involved in all this, that's a low blow and shows the depths of her depravity. She shouldn't be using her kids to get to you. She should be owning up to her mistakes and trying to gain your forgiveness by fixing them as quickly as possible. She should feel fortunate that you haven't had her arrested yet since she definitely deserves it for all of this, and probably a report to CPS for her getting the kids in the middle of something they can't possibly understand. After all, what is all this teaching her kids? To be cheats? Not a good move as a parent.

If you don't want to prosecute as you should, then take her to small claims court and get a court to order her to pay you back. You don't have to prosecute her if you don't want to (depends on the laws of your state), but getting a judgment in your favor that will force her to recompense you for all you lost is a step in the right direction. AND, it's the right thing to do.

I'm a very poor, single mother of 3 and I'm 37. I know how bad it can get. My sister is spoiled and living pretty rich, but I have never even considered taking advantage of her that way, in spite of our occassional fights. It would be wrong and I know it.

The big question is, what did your sister buy with these credit cards? Was it food and to pay the bills? Or did she spend it on things like stereos, cars, jewelry or other frivolous things? That would be important in considering what steps to take next.

As for your mother, sounds like your sister and my sister are about the same. My sister was the baby, the favored one and anytime there was a disagreement, my mom took my sister's side of things. Now, my sister won't talk to my mom because she thinks my mom should have taken her side during a disagreement with my brother when all my mom was doing was trying to stop the fight. Sad, but true. The thing is, don't worry about how your mom acts about all of this. She might act this way now, but she'll get over it. You're still her baby too and your sister sounds like the same kind of spoiled brat my sister is. She'll dig her own grave. What you need to do is take steps to protect yourself and regain what you've lost.

Good luck.

PS: I think if you contact Equifax, Experion and the like, you can get a fraud alert on your credit so anyone checking it will see that your bad credit is possibly due to fraud, making you a victim and not accountable in the eyes of some. Check it out and see what can be done.

Answer 8

How could a sister do this? How could your mother support her? Report it, your credit rating is very important to you. Hers is probably fine and yours is shot. Why should you cover up for her? Just because you are blood relatives doesn't mean you have to put up with this sort of crap. The old saying 'you can choose your friends but not your relatives' rings true. Get your life and credit rating back. Good luck.

Answer 9

What a sad story, im so sorry. Its such a shame that your relationship with your sister is completely distroyed. You shouldnt forgive or forget. What she did to you is so unforgiveable. Turning her in is a big decision and one you should think about for a while.
I honestly would never speak to her again. Your mother and sister are taking you for granted. They both sound very inconsiderate and mean. Im so sorry this has happened to you. Try to move on and forget about her. And if you are terribly mad, maybe you should consider turning her in.....why should you have to pay for her bills?
Totally unfair....hope this helps

Answer 10

well, since she is ur sister, and ushe and ur mom will hate u for the rest of thier lives if u turn her in, just tell her that u r giving her 3 years to pay bak everything, or ur gonna go to the police and turn her in. don't forgive and forget. forgive, but make sure that she knows that because of what she did, things r never going to be the same between u guys again.
-S