Should you give to your church when you aren't INCLUDED?

Question

I am in a situation where my wife died a year ago, a few people came to the service/sent cards, but not very many, and afterwards nobody said a word to me since, nobody called, nobody came over, not a hug, nothing. no love no kindness anything. I realize I could have left and looked for another church, but I just had my world change radically and I didn't want everything to change all at once so I stayed. It's not always feasible to just leave all the time. And it isn't for me right now. But I don't have any peace about giving money to a church when I am involved in nearly everything in the church and nobody makes me a part of their busy life. I'm sick of hearing that people are busy - I don't care. They are busy but they could include me as a part and they don't.And I don't think it's me at all.People freak out and they can't handle death. That's not my fault.
I don't think I should give to any ministry where I'm not viewed and functioning as a part of it.

I know about giving to God - but giving to your local church that doesn't include you is not the only way you can give to God. You have to give how God leads you and I don't have any peace about giving where I'm not a part of things. If they don't want ME they don't get my MONEY. Period. It says not to cast your pearls before swine too.

1) I am very active in the church, I'm very friendly outgoing person - I'm involved in everything.
2) This church is very self-absorbed for the most part. I've already talked to the pastor and he agrees that everything I mentioned were severe problems that he doesn't know the answer for.
3) everyone else who has lost anyone has been treated the same way - it isn't just me.
4) the church does nothing for the Community in general.
5) the church people don't even interact with each other when they are at church.
6) everyone likes me fine while I am at church -but it never goes beyond that.
but they dont include anyone else either.
the church isn't functioning.
7) it's evident that the problem is not ME - but a problem in the church - so do you leave over that? So far I don't see why I should - I don't know.
I'm working hard to make myself a part. You have to be a couple with the right number of children, don't yall get that? if you are a single/widow it doesn't work!!

Should I call everyone and say I don't have anything to do for the holiday can I spend time with your family? NO - I'm not doing that, it isn't appropriate, they need to include ME

Answer 1

I'm sorry you feel so rejected by the people who go to your church. You're right, death makes people uncomfortable. It reminds them that they, too, could lose someone they love, and it scares the crap out of them, so in order to remain in denial of their fears they avoid those who make them face such fears.

Maybe it is time to move on to another church. Or, maybe it would be helpful for you to join a support group made up of others who, like you, have lost a spouse.

I hope you find what you need to help you deal with your grief and loss.

Answer 2

Okay, as I perceive it, this is not about money. Neither is giving tithes and offerings a 'need' oriented function by believers, unless they make it one which is not the way that God would have us do it.

This seems to be about something that I wonder if you can see. You have stated the problem, and the solution within what you wrote, both.

Apparently the congregation ( I will avoid saying 'church' because we are the church, it's not that building) , has a lack of love to show.

If you are the kind of person who can organize this part of the ministry so that it never ever happens again, then you have your answer. I know that leaving isn't always the solution, as you have stated, and I believe rightly.

The way I figure it, you should approach the pastor with a request after telling him what happened to you. I think that they will see that you were left alone to carry a heavy burden, do not be afraid of showing your emotions. It's a heavy thing to have your mate die. I understand pain, both my original parents left me willfully, and did not take good care of me before they did, I was 2 when my mother left me, and about 8 when my dad left me.

So are you too busy for such a thing? Can you be the part of that congregation who keeps the pulse of it's parishioners and see to it that there would not be this lack of love and concern?

Please do this; weigh it on the Spirit of God and He will let you know what needs to be done. If it's a care of yours, then God cares too. You might already know what your talents are, if it works into the presentation of the ministry, or the coordination of it, or the planning of it, please use what God has gifted you with.

If your 'church' sets what you say on the back burner, then you have your answer as to whether or not you ought to stay. I would take it personally if they would do that.

I hope that you are brought closer to God through all of this. He is a kind Lord, after all.

Answer 3

Your right, the money you donate to the church doesn't go to God. It is given in the hopes that the money is spent on worth while causes. If seems to me they are not a worth while cause if they make the people who go there feel unimportant.
Perhaps your money would be better spent actually helping someone. NOt REd Cross or other organizations that we see the money go to the CEO"s at the top. Look around your community. Are they trying to get a city park? So the children in your neighborhood doesn't have to play in the streets. Do they take up a collection for coats for kids.
We had a TV show that asks for Jim giles coats for kids and everyone in the community gave a coat. MOst of these kids were dressed in rags, this was their first warm coat.
Sometimes the community has a community store where donated items are sold very cheap to poor people. They hire disabled people to run the store. They can always use contribultions. But this giving to a church or organization thinking you are helping is a joke. It rarely goes where it helps a poor person.
Even Opray Winfreys Angels network actually goes to the poor people. They were saying what a difference from some of the orther organizations that don't actually help anyone.
But I think helping in your local community is better. Find out where the need is and help them.

Answer 4

If the congregation is not open and warm to you, then you need to find another church. You should not waste your God-given talents and blessing in such an apathetic church.

I understand that you do not want to shake your world up any further. Take the time that you need and make this important decision when you are comfortable enough to do so. In the meanwhile, you are still required to tithe. I believe that you can still give your 10% to God through other avenues, such as missionary donations. There are many trustworthy organization that have websites you can visit and tithe to. Also, you could use your tithe money to sponsor a needy student in your church on a mission trip or youth trip. Talk with your pastor about the problems you are facing, and he should be more than willing and able to help you.

You are correct, death is an issue that many people, even Christians, avoid. But it is not Christ-like to allow other believers to suffer and feel alienated. Everyone should feel welcomed and loved in church.

Answer 5

I am so sorry to hear about the death of your wife- and I agree with you that a church is supposed to come alongside. One question though, and this is not a judgment call. This is a question I ask myself many times too- how active are you in the ministries of the church? IF you don't participate it is hard for people to get to know that you. That however, does not excuse them from not being there for you when your wife passed away. Just this past sunday are pastor did a great message on the Good Samaritan- who are our neighbors- Everyone even those we don't really have an ongoing relationship with- so they should have been. I have a suggestion- try and reach out yourself, I have done this when I felt rejected and you will be surprised- God will honor that,

Answer 6

Does your church provide this sort of TLC to other members after a bereavement? Do particular members provide to for certain members but not others? This sort of ongoing support might simply not be a service this church can provide, or opts to provide.

I can understand being upset if you were deliberately ignored, or if support was given to certain people within the church but not others. But not all churches can offer the same range of services, and not all people are comfortable intruding on private grief, especially towards people they don't know very well personally. So cut them a little slack.

Perhaps this is a message, and God is offering you a challenge or opportunity. You have suffered; perhaps so that you could gain the understanding and sympathy to help others who suffer. Now that you have discovered a weakness in your church/community, this would be a wonderful opportunity for you to be the solution to that weakness.
Talk with your church leaders and tell them you'd like to lead a grief support group or committee. You could help organize the sort of ongoing TLC that mourners need; your personal experience would give you valuable insight to what they need. You could be the one to greet grieving members with a hug at each service; organize meals to be prepared by volunteers for grieving families; get the teen or Sunday school groups to create sympathy cards; and so on.

There is so much you could do to turn this negative experience into a positive, and it would be a wonderful tribute to your wife to let her passing not only connect you closer to other people, but to help them. Ask not what your church can do for you; but what you can do for your church. =) *HUG*

Answer 7

I AM SO VERY SORRY THAT YOUR WIFE PASSED AWAY.

I KNOW SHE IS IN HEAVEN WHERE THERE IS NO SORROW. YOU WILL SEE HER AGAIN BECAUSE WHEN YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN THE SEPARATION IS TEMPORARY.

NO, DO NOT GIVE TO THIS CHURCH. THE CHURCH IS SUPPOSE TO BE A HOSPITAL FOR PEOPLE, NOT A SOCIAL CLUB.

REMEMBER THE STORY ABOUT THE GOOD SAMARITIAN? THE PRIEST PASSED THE MAN BY THAT WAS IN THE DITCH.

SO IT IS TODAY....THEY ARE ALL BUSY DOING THEIR THING..

BUT, THERE ARE SOME GOOD SAMARITANS.

IT WOULD BE GOOD IF YOU WENT OUT AND HELPED SOMEONE WITH YOUR MONEY THAT NEEDED IT.

THERE ARE PLENTY OF WIDOWS AND WIDOWERS THAT ARE JUST GETTING BY ON THEIR SOCIAL SECURITY CHECKS. YOU HELPING THEM WOULD BE A REAL BLESSING AND YOU WOULD HAVE AN ETERNAL REWARD...

AFTER ALL, YOU ARE THE CHURCH THAT IS NOT MADE WITH HANDS...

Answer 8

I think you're being a little oversensitive about this. Being in the same church doesn't automatically mean people know you or even care about you. The personal relationships you have in church have nothing to do with where the money you give to the church goes. You are making these individuals and the church one and the same, whereas they are very separate entities. If you are not in a church where you can find friends and companionship in your faith, then perhaps you shouldn't go at all. Of course I'd suggest trying to find another church, but I understand the difficulty in that. You could also devote your humanitarian energy to a non-profit organization outside the church. You just need to find another community.

Answer 9

if what you say is going on then it sounds like you are in a cold church. instead of thinking about the money , try thinking about how you could minister to the member of that church about the way you are being treated. I'll let the Holy Spirit minister to you on that one.

Answer 10

You don't say where you live so I can't specifically recommend a church family but I would suggest that you go to services at your local United Methodist church..