Is it possible and/or ethical for male with mental health problems to find a partner?

Question

I'm in my late 30's, have OCD and Social Phobia. I'm desparately lonely as I don't have any friends, or close family and have been single for over 6 years. Because of the social phobia, I can't go out and meet people in the usual way. I've been trying a couple of Internet dating sites without any success. Given that I have had the problems for so long and they are unlikely to ever improve, do I have to give up and accept I will never be in another relationship and will probably have to spend the rest of my life alone?

Just to say a big thank you to everyone who took the time to answer my question. Some good advice and the encouragement is priceless. Glad to see there are still some kind, understanding people left in the world!

Answer 1

Hi,
First I will say, "NEVER GIVE UP TRYING ANYTHING".

When you have tried these dating sights do you inform people of your mental health issues? I would suggest adding this to your profile so that anyone whose interested in you will understand you from the start. I wouldn't give up. Ofcourse it is posible to meet someone. Try putting an add in your local news paper in the dating section and rather than staing your mental health issues, write something like,
"Lonely, fun, honest guy in need of someone understanding due to my social phobia, seeking honest woman for friendship and maybe more. For cozy nights in and good talk".
Least this way you can communicate over the phone or by letter for aslong as you like so she can understand your issues and wont get freaked out by them. Its worth a try and you haven't got anything to lose by doing so.
If you need a friend message me, i really dont mind, im a good listener and sometimes having a complete stranger as a friend can make life less boring and help in so many little ways. Im 29.

Good luck to you,
"Shes out there somewhere"

Answer 2

Hey there,
You deserve happiness just as much as everyone else. Your problems are very common, and can be treated to an extent with medications. Have you tried that? Or cognitive behavioral therapy? You may also find, when you meet the right person, you will be able to share these problems with her and maybe some of your problems will be decreased because you actually will feel happier, and maybe not focus on all the negatives so much like the OCD, and you may become less social phobic.
If you have the feeling that it will never improve, like you state above, it WILL never improve. You have to think more positively. I also think many women out there share very similar problems. You might find someone on a message board or through a group therapy with some similar problems which the two of you could tackle together.
You have to make small baby steps in self recovery. For the social phobia, go out for very very short outings, a drink with co-workers and stay until you become uncomfortable and then leave. Each time try to stay a little longer. Try to expose yourself to the scary situations little by little. That is what would happen with CBT. It's all treated with breathing techniques and exposure.
Good luck to you. Continue on the dating sites. At least make some pen pals. You know you could develop a relationship with a woman by talking online first, by messenger, etc and becoming friends first. Then when you feel comfortable, you could tell her about your phobia. Chances are, she will not run, she will be sympathetic. Then, you can meet in a non-social situation like at a park or somewhere less noisy/scary for you.

Answer 3

No, you do not have to give up and spend any time alone.

OCD and social phobias do not have to control your life.

Try local support groups in your area. Many have Internet conferencing where you can join a group via the net. You can talk or just listen. Once you feel comfortable, you can explore relationships with people that understand what you are going through.

Don't shut yourself away from everyone. You made a big step in the right direction by asking the question to complete strangers, risking rejection and humiliation. You are doing good.

Answer 4

"There's a Love for everyone."
They even made a song titled this. It's an "Oldie but Goodie"

Being lonely is a state of mind.
You can be in a room full of people and still be lonely.
But stop depriving yourself. Go to a movie alone (that's if you don't already do) go to a open event. Baby steps.

Let me tell you something. 6 out of 10 of those people at the movie or at an open event, has to an degree your same issue.
They are lonely, but they don't want to rot away their life by sitting up in a room typing on a computer or watching TV.
They got a little light of bravery and stepped out.
It takes baby steps...........internet dating is something to do. Most of the time you meet people with worst issues than you and some are just preditors. But still some are interesting to banner with, just know the limits and how to draw the line.

A state of mine is complicated. Depending on how deep seeded and how long you've been into allowing yourself to be held back. It will depend on how long it takes for you to overcome. And you will overcome.
But you know what the real truth is? You will be just like the rest of us!
We all have issues.
There's the person that is overweight, they say "I'll go out when I lose 20lbs" but they keep eating.
Then there's my friend "Oh I'll go out when my pimples go away" (never gonna happen, if you keep eating chocolate"
Then's there's my other friend "I'll go on a cruise when the terriost are gone???????????"

It takes 3 weeks to make or break a bad or make a good habit.
JUST DO IT.....baby steps......
If you fail once(or what you feel failingis) pick yourself right back up and go at it again!
I had a phobia about stepping on cracks on a sidewalk. Drove me crazy.....I broke it, by walking in the street, along the curb. Then went back to walking on sidewalks later, I'm okay.

If you don't go out. I suggest you find a group with people of the same orientation.

http://www.ocfoundation.org/
http://www.ocdonline.com/

http://www.designedthinking.com/Fear/OCD/ocd.html?OVRAW=ocd&OVKEY=ocd&OVMTC=standard&OVADID=5714147011&OVKWID=29642220011

Answer 5

An ethical problem in this situation implies some sort of subterfuge on your part, i.e. you act normal enough to bait a person, and then in the future you do a switch to the real you. Sure, that is unethical, but were you to be yourself upfront you have no dilemma.

From an existential perspective, I would say to you that "the grass is always greener" often applies. Perhaps you are placing too much importance on this concept of having a partner, i.e. if you got one, you would still not find satisfaction.

Would it be possible for you to interact with people in a setting you are comfortable in? Maybe group therapy would give you contact to other people, or just simply a hobby that you can share with others of like-minded interest--sports or games or comic books or favorite TV shows, for example. Find some common ground.

Answer 6

Hi mate i have had problems for many years but still found true love which in any case everyone can. However despite your state of mind the worst thing you can possiblly do is go searching for love as 1. You may make yourself sink deeper into depression if you cannot find what you are looking for.
2. I know it is very difficult as i suffered from acute OCD for many years and still take regular medication have you considered going to self help groups or ask your doctor to refer you to a social class with people whom have the same difficulties as yourself. You will not be outcast and have no fear of being lonley as the people whom are there have many similiar but never the same problems. I had a CPN nurse whom visited me for 2 years because i was to paranoid to leave the house. My partner constantly reassured me everything was ok and gradually i sat in the back garden where no one could see me then i started to go out in the front garden and people said hello i slowly said hello back and progressed from there. Take it slow and a little at a time, You can overcome this it takes time and determination, As for love you are still young, please don't try and rush into finding someone as things can be made worse. Please believe me it does get better. I have been taking Olanzapine and Sertraline for 6 years now and still have bad days but you have to reassure yourself you can beat this. Good Luck mate thinking of you and if ever you need friends we are always here.

Answer 7

You don't need to be lonely for the rest of your life. Get into therapy now. There are therapists who deal with phobias, & it would be worth your while to see one on a regular basis. Get the help you need now before trying to get into a relationship. In time, you may not be completely free of the phobias, but hopefully, you'll get to a place in your life, where your phobias won't hold you hostage in a world of loneliness in your home. You have to get better before seeking a relationship, because your phobias will have a definite impact on anyone who walks into your life. Best of luck to you.

Answer 8

Hi, of course it is possible/ethical for you to find a partner, but it is important that you work hard at curing yourself. The best treatment for OCD and social phobia/anxiety is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. CBT is proven to be the most effective thing for OCD. It takes a bit of work, but it is super effective. You can speak to your doctor about taking a course or you can take a course for free online at: www.livinglifetothefull.com
I hope you feel better soon. Best of luck!

Answer 9

Not necessarily. If you are being treated for your health problems and are doing what your doctor has told you to do and as long as you let people that you date that you have this problem after you get to know them a little, you might be surprised how many people, male and female, who would be still interested in being your friends or partners.

Answer 10

Never give up. I suffer too from mental health problems and I met my partner 6 years ago in a psychiatric ward. He also has mental health problems. We are co-dependant on each other and are very much in love. When you least expect it, you will meet the person you are meant to be with.
You are not alone.