How to get someone to accept help.?

Question

My son, his wife and their new baby live with hubby and I, along with two of my grandsons (7 people). Her Mom and Grandmother showed up at our house last week and said they left their apartment and needed a place to stay.(They got kicked out for not paying rent.)
After I fed them, I gave them a list of emergency housing agencies, and the phone number for the disabled housing assistance. They stormed out of the house yelling "thanks for nothing" and yelled at my son "Your mother is a (bad word)" and tore up the list I gave them.

Why would they not go to the agency that the taxpayers have set up to help people?

Answer 1

Hello YL,

I appreciate your desire to help your in-laws in a meaningful way. Richard and others above tried to analyze the situation and I hope you got fair amount of sympathy and support from this group, including me for your forthrightness.

However, there seems to be 'Arc of Distortion' playing in above scenario. That is, one minor misstep in the communication leads to another minor (or major) response from the receiver. This goes on like a vicious cycle and then there may be a bigger misunderstanding or mishap.

In any case, if I were you then I may have played for right-time and right way to communicate my message, which would not have been different than what you wanted to tell them.

Sometimes we misjudge the timings and with all the good intentions in our heart and mind, we do botch up our honest efforts. I'm guilty of this fault, may be this Answer here itself is the testimony (lol).

Have a nice day!

Answer 2

Sorry to sat, I have witnessed this with several of my friends. They don't want the kind of "help" you offered. It would require them to do something! to help themselves. You did, absolutely, the right thing, only you waited too long. You're not doing your son and grandkids any favors by taking then in. Your son & his wife need to be independent, productive citizens. They will feel better about themselves; ergo, their children will learn the same. Although I applaud your generosity, you are not helping, you are enabling and encouraging this lifestyle, which your sons wife probably, without realizing it, thinks this is the acceptible and normal way to live. I suggest that you politely, firmly, but in a timely fashion, expunge all guests from you're home. Yes ALL! If something were to happen to you or your spouse, where would they be. People have to learn how to make their way in the world. Ninety per cent of homeless people are Mentally challenged & won't take their meds, and the other 10% are drug addicts, alcoholics or just plain lazy. For the good of all those around you, and yourself, you need your own life, which can include your sons fmily, but you are in no way obligated to raise him, and then his children. You have already experienced the repurcussions of your hospitality from your in-laws, and it would only grow, and grow until they sucked the life out of you. PUT A STOP TO IT NOW! AND do not pay their living expenses. They may not live at the Ritz, but Home is Home/ Do Not Dally. Give them notice today that they will be required to vacate, and set a time limit. Just a couple of months, not a year or so. Good luck. Gail (GamGam)

Answer 3

You cannot force anyone to accept help that they do not want.

It is obvious that your solution to their problem was not the one that they wanted to hear. The situation may have been made more confusing and difficult because of the timing of the whole event.

If they just showed up with no prior communication to anyone in your family, what they did borders on being labeled rude. If you learned of their plight only after they were in your household, they should not have expected anything more.

If your son and/or daughter-in-law knew that they were to arrive and said nothing, then this was an additional lack of communication.

Most failures in communication are based upon a lack of trust or a fear of being rejected. It is a shame that more open communication could not have lead to a better understanding of both their position (by you) and your position (by them).

They are the only ones who could accurately state what their reasons might have been for their reaction. It does them an injustice to assume Why they reacted in the manner that they did. It is also an injustice to you that they did not seem to appreciate your effort.

Most family feuds start over misunderstandings, become enlarged because of a lack of communication and carry resentments far beyond those supported by the original incident. This one does not seem to be an exception.

Answer 4

Because they want to free load off of you.You DID the RIGHT thing do NOT feel guilty.They think they are big enough and bad enough to play married with kids, then they need to get with the program.They need to learn how to stand on their own 2 feet.If it was incompetence on their part like mismanaging money, then you did the right thing.If they had a streak of bad luck like their employers closing down, then maybe you should have helped.I am assuming they were irresponsible.

Answer 5

How ungracious !

It would appear they need to learn the lessons of life the hard way ! The world & YOU owe them NOTHING !

Unfortunately , we now have people whose expectations all revolve around having others picking up the pieces when they continue to make poor life choices .There is NO excuse for poor behaviour , bad manners , ungracious behaviour !

Forgetting how these people insulted you for just one moment , what they did was also insult & belittle your daughter in law !

Maybe if they have to take as few of life's hard knocks squarely on the chin they will come to realise just how self centred they are & wake up to themselves .Until then , I would be civil to them if they reappear but stay firm & don't be intimidated !

Answer 6

You can't make anyone accept help, they have to be open and willing to receive whatever kind of help comes their way. Sounds like they had in mind the kind of help they wanted and that was the only way in their mind. If they would stop to think about the number of people already in your house then they wouldn't have RE acted the way they did.
There's a story, a man is trapped on top of a roof during a flood, and he prays for God to send help, soon comes along a raft they tell him to jump on He says no that's alright God will save me, then they leave, not too much later along comes soon comes along a boat they tell him to jump in He says no that's alright God will save me, then they leave, soon comes along a helicopter they send down a ladder and tell him to jump on, He says no that's alright God will save me, then they leave. The tide rises and the mad ends up drowning, he gets to heaven and asks God why He didn't save him. God replies: what do you mean, I sent you a raft, a boat and a helicopter and you didn't accept any of it, what more did you want?!

Moral of the story is we don't know what form the help may come, God does answer and does help us. We just h ave to keep an open mind in order to see it & be willing to accept.
Kind of an obvious don't you think.

Answer 7

They had a specific expectation that you did not meet; an unreasonable one from the sound of it.
Pride has become confused with self-esteem in our language. Self-esteem motivates you to do your best and feel good about who you are and your accomplishments. Pride (that the Bible says goes before a fall) is the fool's gold of esteem. It's a wall which the "real you" hides behind that makes you feel good about your self and often superior to others.
Your in-laws didn't want to be seen as charity cases and they expected your generous nature to move them in with you which would have preserved their pride.

Answer 8

For a lot of people, pride is definately an issue when it comes to accepting help. It is difficult to get around this fierce pride a lot of people have, especially in the older generations and those that are disabled. Unfortunately, I don't have any good advice to help you get them to accept help, but hopefully this helps a little bit!

Answer 9

Some people don't want help they just want to take off of everyone else. So you did what you could and if they do not want to help themselves than there isn't much you can do. It sounds like to me that you have opened your home to as many people as it can handle and I hope you don't feel bad for what they did. You sound like a good person and you have done all you can do

Answer 10

You sound like a really nice person and went out of your way to help these people.They are grown adults and its not your responsibility.Dont feel bad they were unappreciative to you im sure you have enough on your plate with out 2 grown babies to look after.Its all about respect and they certainly dont have any for you.They,ll be fine im sure just worry about your house hold.They obviously like to be sponges and trying to make you feel guilty.Keep smiling and dont worry .