My husband and I have a 2-year-old son and I have been wanting a 2nd child for a while, but my husband isn't ready. My husband has only 4 classes left until he completes his Masters degree and that is my husband's wish is to finish his Masters degree before having a 2nd child. That means another year or more of waiting for a 2nd child and it has made me very sad and angry at him. I am a stay-at-home mom and want my son to have a sibling close in age. My husband has promised me that we could start getting pregnant this Fall or Winter and then changed his mind to next summer without any reason. I got my hopes up and thought it was a compromise and then let down again. Now he says not next summer to start trying to get pregnant, but Spring. I feel emotionally jerked around. What should I do? Should I just wait another year or more and be happy with my son?
2007-07-14 09:29:14 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Other - Pregnancy & Parenting
To be honest, I don't see what the problem is from his point of view. Why wait? It's not as if you don't already have a child - what difference will another make to his Masters Degree? If this was your first, I could understand, but it isn't. I can understand why you are feeling confused.
Once you have started your family, there is no sense in stopping, and creating unnecessary age gaps if there is no need. What if you had difficulty conceiving second time around? It might not happen immediately this time. I tried for 4 months for our second, which was such a surprise, as I expected it to be instant like the first.
You are the one who is going to be doing the lion's share of the childcare here anyway. Is it a financial issue? A second doesn't have to cost that much extra, with hand me down clothes, cots, etc from the first baby.
Try to get out of your husband exactly what the issue is with waiting, because it doesn't make any sense when you've already started your family. You don't want a gap between siblings. It's as if he's wanting the next child to punctuate the completion of his degree, like a 'reward' or something! Wierd. Talk to him again. I think you're making more sense than he is over this.
2007-07-14 09:45:11 · answer #1 · answered by helly 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I understand completely how you feel. You feel as though you are being left out of the decision of conceiving a child. I think that it is very important for the both of you at this time to compromise. Granted him completing his classes to obtain his master's degree is very important but so it a second child to you. I believe that if you two maybe consult a therapist about the issues that you two are having conflicts about then you will be able to come to some kind of agreement. He might just be feeling the anxiety of another child and my be only accustomed to just your son being the only child of the household for right now. Not only do need to consider your husband adjusting to the idea of another child you have to make sure that your son is ready for a another sibling also.
It might be a good idea to wait another year just to give your son not only the time but the understanding of another baby coming into the picture. My daughter was 5 years old when I found out that I was pregnant with my now 8 month old son and even though I would have preferred to have him later. She is the biggest help with him. She feels absolutely no jealousy towards him and she was helpful during my pregnancy. However every child adjusts differently and whether you wait a year or try now it will make no difference it just depends on your family and how much of your time you can divide between two children.
I think you should just discuss it with your husband and try to show some empathy as far as his feelings are concerned. If you find that you are still coming to blows over the fact that you wish to conceive another child then you must then seek the professional help of an therapist. I think there is a bigger issue at hand with your husband that he does not want to admit to this point in time and you have to make it your business to find out exactly what is amiss so that you guys can focus on the joys of your marriage and a second addition being added to your family.
I wish you luck.
Charlie
2007-07-14 09:43:43 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Considering he is financially responsible for the family and you are not working, you might think about not being selfish and honor his wishes. He is trying to complete his education, what is wrong with that? It isn't that you dont have ANY children, you do have a child.
Maybe you should talk to your husband about maybe becomming temporary foster parents. There are plenty of babies and kids that need help and home and are in transition, because they were taken from their mom's RIGHT out of the hospital. My friend did that, and ended up adopting her son. She got him right from the hospital, and he stayed with her. When he was about a year and half, neither parents were able to take care of him, so she adopted him.
Why are you only thinking of yourself? A marriage is about two people, not just what YOU want. You have to think what is best for the BOTH of you, and what is best for your future.
Your son isn't missing anything because you haven't had another child. Get him some friends, find other stay at home mothers with kids his age, and set play dates. There are so many alternatives than doing something that could possibly hurt your marriage. Would you rather have your son & husband, or two kids on your own?
2007-07-14 10:32:08 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have been in a similar situation. When i was married to my ex husband. We got pregnant with my son while wedding plans were being made and had to move the date up like 5 months earlier. I told him i wanted another baby and he said he was okay with it. Well the time came when our son was 2 and i wanted another one. He changed his mind and said he didn't want anymore children. He had two from his previous marriage and one he had and has never met then our son. This is now why we split, but i can understand the disappointment. After being divorced since April 02 i got married again to a man who had never been married before or had children before. We have been married just over a year now and are 29wks pregnant today.
We have talked about having more kids after our daughter is born, but are going to wait to see how things go with our baby first and go from there.
It's not right what your husband is doing to you emotionally if he knows how badly you want another child, but again i acan understand that he wants to get his degree first.
I know it means waiting longer, but you will be much happier then if you push him now. He will be blaming you for money issues etc if there are any because of the child etc etc. Wait the yr or so for him to complete his degree then you can both be happy about the pregnancy and the new addition to your famly.
2007-07-14 10:08:38 · answer #4 · answered by ~Angel Eyed Pookie~ 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Hi -
Even if you wait another year, your child will still be relatively close in age with his sibling. I kind of undertstand your husband's reasoning, as he will have more time to be able to help out with the kids, etc. once he finishes his masters degree.
For now, try to enjoy the time with your son. There is so much that you can do with your child right now that you won't be able to do (as least not as often) once you have a baby. Try to find a mommy and me class or a playgroup. Try www.meetup.com for a good playgroup. Take your child to lots of fun places, such as an inflatable jumper playground. It will be almost impossible to do that once you have a second baby.
Another thing to keep in mind is that you will have more time to focus on potty training and disciplining your son.
Take it easy...
2007-07-14 11:52:01 · answer #5 · answered by meghananne23 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say that your husband changed his mind "without any reason". Sounds to me like he had good reason. Finishing his Masters degree is very important to the future stability of the entire family. And as you describe yourself as a stay at home mom, who is supporting the family now? My guess would be that your husband is working AND trying to finish school. And even if that is not the case, you must realize how much pressure is on your husband to finish school, get on to a good career, and to take care of his family. He just can't handle another child right now. And who could blame him? You shouldn't. Be happy with your son; and appreciate your husband's concerns of the moment.
2007-07-14 09:40:31 · answer #6 · answered by Tom K 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Let him finish his schooling. Then talk about having another child. If you just "accidentally" get pregnant, he will resent you and the baby. Just wait. Your son can wait awhile longer for a sibling. Take him to play groups in the meanwhile. I don't plan on having another baby until my son is 4 maybe 5. I think a child needs those first few years with just him and his mom, instead of mom having to divide her attention between children. That is just my opinion.
2007-07-14 09:41:05 · answer #7 · answered by Boredoutofmymind 4 · 3⤊ 2⤋
You sound so selfish. Even if it is for your son to have a sibling, it's very selfish of you to keep pushing your husband about it. He's trying to better himself for the whole family. It's not going to matter if you wait just another year. My boys are 4yrs apart and are very close and had a great childhood together. The older took good care of the younger because he understood more and was able to talk to him and teach him alot. Let your husband do this for his family and himself first. He's wanting to make sure he can provide for a larger family..that's understandable. Be patient. It's not that far away, so enjoy your time with your little one now, because they grow up so fast!
2007-07-14 09:42:16 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
It's definitely something you both need to agree on. Please ignore people who say to "accidentally" get pregnant. That is deceitful and dishonest - no way to treat your husband. All you can do is talk it out with him. Find out why he wants to wait till he's done school.
Maybe you can reach a compromise - if his concern is sleepless nights when he needs to be focused, promise him you will get up EVERYTIME the baby cries at night. Don't want to do that? Maybe you are the one who won't compromise then. Be respectful of his needs and encourage him and you'll probably find him to be pretty reasonable.
2007-07-14 09:42:50 · answer #9 · answered by sharky 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Why do you want to put your husband through this stress? I think you need to realize that if you have another child when he is not ready, his resentment will build and then you will be alone to get a job and raise the 2 yourself. Even when both parents agree, it is difficult to raise two children so just chill for now and appreciate the one you have who will benefit from your one on one attention. Best wishes
2007-07-14 09:33:06 · answer #10 · answered by barthebear 7 · 5⤊ 2⤋