What can a mother do, when her grown daughter has banished her from her life?

Question

I live in tragedy. My daughter and I were best friends; when she was a child; we were appropriately parent and child. We got along so well; everyone commented on how much we loved each other, what a happy and great family we were.

After her wedding fell through, we became even closer--for two years. Then one day she turned on me--just like that! I was in shock and asked her what happened, "I thought we were doing well." Her answer was a sarcastic "You're great in a crisis."

She was about 30 by this time, and had never talked "mean" to me before. Everything got worse, until now I am no longer "welcome" in her life--and that means the life of my grandson, as well. It is a fate worse than death for me.

My son is baffled. She won't explain herself. Before the final banishment, she was verbally cruel, and one night lost her temper so badly she started bashing me. (Note, I never hit either of my children.)

I fear it's the medication; SSRI's can cause violence.

If I call, she hangs up on me.
I sent presents, no response
I write letters to my grandson, nothing.

Please keep in mind that everyone was astonished at how close we were and how much we loved each other, until after the wedding fell through, and she started switching between Prozac and Effexor.

Again, my son says his and his sister's was the best childhood of anyone he's ever met. We are extraordinarily close.
He knows I said some things about her new partner that weren't flattering--to her, not to him, and that's our only clue.

He also thinks that the punishment doesn't fit what I did. I am in deep grief and mourning for her and for her son; it has been ten months, and I now have lost faith that it will ever change.

Barth, I like your answer. One prob; her husband can't stand how she is with me, and he doesn't want "that chaos" in his life!!!

CLARITY:
Please note, "we were appropriately mother and daughter, when she was a child."

What I mean is we became best friends later, after college.

To give you an idea, at 14, she said, "How come you're the strictest of all the parents, but we have the best relationship?"

(A couple of people have tacked on to that one, but that just isn't true; no TV, no overnights on school nights; no R movies; no sweets, chores--I was a mom, not a "friend," until she became an adult.) Okay?

BECAUSE THERE IS NOT ONE ANSWER HERE THAT DOESN'T HAVE MERIT, AND BECAUSE ONE IS GIVEN SO LITTLE ROOM, I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU INDIVIDUALLY!

BARTH:
GREAT IDEA, BUT THERE IS NO ONE WHO "WANTS TO BE IN THE MIDDLE." THANK YOU.

AUDRA: I NEEDED THAT VOTE OF CONFIDENCE. THANK YOU.

ANGEL: CALLED, WROTE, NOTHING. THANK YOU, THOUGH.

SWEET SUZY: I GUESS NO CONTACT FOR FIVE MONTHS NOW IS REVERSE, NOT WORKING, BUT THANKS FOR THE IDEA.

MOONGODDESS:
YOU ARE INCREDIBLE.
YOU NAILED IT.
STOP BLAMING MYSELF AND TRUST. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

BUTCH, YOU ARE SAYING WHAT I THINK IS RIGHT, AND WHY I CHOSE WISE GUY: MEDICATIONS!!! THANKS.

MARY G: I HAVE A SPECIAL THANK YOU FOR YOU. MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU, AND YOU WERE BRAVE TO SPILL YOUR HURT HERE. I KNOW THIS IS YOUR ONLY Y!A ANSWER. THANK YOU.

Answer 1

Definitely a very difficult situation to be with someone that was close before, and now is so distant. Medications can be the primary reason for all the misery that is going on. You have heard this before, but I am going to say it again. Call your Daughters Doctor, and tell him exactly what has taken place. He needs to find another medication for her that won't cause all this anxieties. She can't handle those meds that she is on now. You both have been very close for many years, and all of a sudden without any notice acts like a wild person. I just thought of this. Go to the pharmacy in your neighborhood, and give them the name of that medication. See what some of the reactions are as a result of taking that medication. Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but I believe most of your answers say what needs to be done. I'll pray for you, Good Luck I hope everything gets mended. See if your son can be an intermediate speaker for you since he sees the way she is, and remembers how she use to be.

Answer 2

Ok, here's what I can offer you...

My Mom and I went through something similar, and we didn't talk for over two years. I thought that we would never be even civil again! But guess what? Eventually we worked it out. I would say just to be patient, and cease the contact until she comes around. I know it's hard, but maybe she needs to think about how lucky she is to have you in her life. Even if you did something horrible (and I'm not saying you did) there is really no reason for her to just be mean. So, just be patient.

The other thing that comes to mind (and not because you mentioned the meds) is it possible that she has bipolar disorder? But you can't be the one to approach her about this, because it will only make her madder. You can talk to her husband and brother about it, and maybe they can intervene.

As for being able to visit your grandchild, can another family member bring the child over to visit with you? If not, you could pursue grandparents rights through the court system. Not to mention, your daughter will know that you are serious about this. It's unfair for that child to be deprived of having a relationship with you because of whatever else is going on. You're going to have to step up to the plate and decide what is really important.

Lastly, stop blaming yourself for everything! You can go all day with what it might be, "shoulda", "coulda" , "woulda" and still won't have it figured out. The best thing you can do is just try and focus on other things that interest you, and push that out of your mind, and know that this will not last forever. I am a daughter, and a Mom also, so I can see both sides of the situation. It will get better. Promise.

Answer 3

Not being able to reach her by phone is bad enough. Maybe you should try writing letters once a week to her. But don't pressure her to write in return. Eventually she may write you back or even better a phone call. Try not to be a friend but being a mother. Tell her how terrible you are feeling and tell her that you need a peace of mind just knowing they are OK. Tell her that whatever was said you know in your heart that you two can work out whatever the problem is. Being that close to someone and losing them like that is really tough but get your pen and paper and start writing. Hopefully the results are good. But don't pressure her too much or she will just resent you even more. Best of luck.

Answer 4

I have been in the same nightmare. My daughter is 33 and I have hardly any contact in 7 years. It was after she met and married her husband. He is very controlling and has made her think we are not "good enough" for her to be around. Also she was using ectasy for a while. This was and is a beautiful woman who was voted most likely to succeed and went to college on a volleyball scholarship. She is drinking a lot also. I have blamed myself over and over, but she was not raised that way. I have prayed and continue to pray for her, but she is not the person I knew or had a relationship with. Her eyes are blank with no soul or heart now. She has a child that is 4 but she does not spend much time with the child. I am not allowed to see him.

It is the most awful pain to know she is out there and I cannot help. I have tried over and over. I have had to decide that the ball is in her court. Something will have to happen to turn her around. but I know how it hurts. Daily, hourly. How can she do that to me? I have only ooved and given to her? I never missed a game or event. I did spoil her and she got way too much.

Answer 5

If your son agrees with you about the problem, perhaps you could stage an intervention after discussing with your daughters husband? I am thinking of her child who needs protection. At least someone could be a witness to call child protection services. Yes I agree SSRIs are very prevalent today and difficult to prove their evil effects. Meanwhile try to not take this personally realizing she is ill. You deserve a good time at this stage of your life so I do hope you can pursue some fun hobbies or friends with activities.

Answer 6

Most important is to pray very hard.

Then use reverse tactics. Your being needy and clingy, has given her all the power. Stop all contact with her. Don't call her, don't send her anything. Do nothing, be strong and don't give in. She will sooner or later, come around to find out why you are not the insecure one any longer. She will become the insecure seeking you. I know this probably sounds crazy, but it does work. If you can hold out and do it right.

It works very well.

Answer 7

I think you are doing all you can, now it is up to her. She is most likely going through something in her life that will either crash down around her or she will figure it out. When that finally happens she will come to you. Being a mother now herself hopefully she will see how much she is hurting you. Perhaps you could talk to her husband, tell him you are there for them & how much you miss her. Keep faith, my mother did & I came back!

Answer 8

what you have done wrong was you have tried to be your child friend and she does not have respect for you i mean its going to be hard to repair you alls relationship she feels you were a friend and not a mother and when she said you're great in a crisis that what she sees you as a ffriend you go to when it is all not so good for her she doesnt see you as a mother but a friend and you all need to talk and repair that

Answer 9

desiderata, i'm really sorry 4 u. hp evrything turns out 2 be well. i'll pray 2 god 4 u