My son is marrying a really lovely girl and we get on very well. They planned a small wedding, which has progressively got larger. And the problem is the bridesmaids. First there were none, now there are three. The bride's sister, her sister-in-law and her best friend. However, my two daughters have been left out aged 13 and 16 at the time of the wedding. They are devastated. My son is my daughter's godfather and their egal guardian in our will. I don't want to make a fuss, we've tried to gently say we would pay for the dresses. My son sees my point - none of our family are involved in the wedding, even though he is himself paying for it - my new daughter-in-law has a contribution from her father, but my son is footing the bill. I We have offered to help financially and intend to to do so.
How do we ask tactfully that the groom's sisters be included in the wedding party, without causing any upset?
2007-07-01 20:54:28 · 17 answers · asked by True Blue Brit 7 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I don't think my new daughter-in-law planned on marrying a man with sisters.
2007-07-01 20:55:12 · update #1
When I got married, I was told it was a family affair, which is why I had to have my cousins as bridesmaids. My husband was on his own - he didn't have family.
2007-07-01 21:05:46 · update #2
All my friends included the groom's sisters in their wedding party.
2007-07-01 21:07:50 · update #3
Your son needs to handle this. Although the youger girls don't need to be bridesmaids they should play some role in the wedding. I am my brother's only sister and I wasn't asked to be in their wedding so I understand how you are feeling.
2007-07-02 03:25:23 · answer #1 · answered by mimegamy 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
You stated, "they planned a small wedding, which has progressively got larger."
Chances are, your new daughter-in-law is feeling a little overwhelmed by this turn of events and would be even more so to include 5 bridesmaids. Who are the groomsmen? Generally, there should be a groomsman for every bridesmaid -are there enough close male relatives to make 5?
I would be honest w/your son & d-i-l that your daughters want to help & ask if they can be included in some way -but not necessarily as bridesmaids. They can wear nice dresses that match the bridal party and still make a contribution to the wedding. Just be sure to let the couple choose their dresses and how they are included.
Despite who is paying, the day is still about the couple and how they wish to celebrate their marriage.
2007-07-01 21:15:05 · answer #2 · answered by march_hare_in_june 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well, it is her decision on who are her bridesmaids as is it is his decision who are the groomsmen. since you are not paying for the wedding, you really have no say in the matter. even if you were giving some money, you shouldn't use it to say, well i gave you that money, i want these people in the wedding. i do not think it is fair you have put your son in the middle, he doesn't want either of you mad at him. and i think it is given that you would have paid for the dresses, so it's not like you are giving them anything there.
13 and 16 are young to be in a wedding, although the 16 year old could have been a junior bridesmaid. there is no way you can really ask them without being tactful. perhaps there is something else they can do instead.
bridesmaids are suppose to be very close friends or the sisters of the bride. i suppose if she did not have enough people, the next choice would be your daughters. i think you should focus on helping out in some other way.
*that's great those and those people did that for their wedding. this is your son and his brides wedding, let them have who they want*
2007-07-01 21:01:28 · answer #3 · answered by Christina V 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I agree with the others that the choice of bridesmaids is ultimately up to the bride, but I think it's fair enough to speak to the bride to see if there is a way to include her future sisters-in-law.
If I were you, I would speak directly to the bride -- with all they have on right now, I don't think your son needs to serve as an intermediary. During a quiet moment when it is just the two of you, ask her how the planning is going and how she is feeling about the wedding growing larger. If she is feeling stressed, remind her that you and your family are there to help. This could serve as a segue to mentioning that your daughters would be delighted to play a role in the wedding, and would be lending a hand as well.
Honestly, she may just not have considered what your girls could be doing -- they're a bit old for flower girls, and she might consider 'bridesmaid' a role for adult friends. This is why it's important to speak with her directly about it, and perhaps offer some suggestions of what roles they could play (there are some excellent suggestions from others on here).
However, if she reacts badly or if she is completely overwhelmed, try to not to make your girls another 'must', and focus instead on offering support in helping to get organised.
If you have a good relationship with your future daughter-in-law, I think this conversation should go well. Good luck!
2007-07-01 21:57:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
If I have learned anything from my experience..its this. With all do respect, stay out of it. It will cause some serious problems. When a bride is planning a wedding..the future in laws should not put there two cents in. I know you wanna help. But trust me..it's best to stay out of it! I'm not being mean, and if it sounds like I am then I am sorry. I just know how these things go. And don't go to your son, because he will feel like you are attacking his future bride to be.
But if it really bothers you, and you really have to say something, then ask if there is anybody to help with food, or clean up, or attend to the guest...etc. Maybe there is room somewhere for the rest of the family to fit in. But when it comes to bridesmaids...please stay out of it. You will only cause trouble if you do. :)
2007-07-02 00:29:22 · answer #5 · answered by kelly_belly_21 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Generally the brides maids are close friends or sisters of the bride. Perhaps they can light candles or run the guest register and/or gift table, that way they can still have a pretty "junior bridesmaid"" dress and look and feel special. There are many tasks they can do to be part of the big day, maybe they can read a passage or poem as part of the ceremony. I think your girls more then anything want to dress up and look like they are part of the big day so one of these suggestions should do the trick.
2007-07-01 21:05:23 · answer #6 · answered by bigDcowgirl 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I guess the ones planning the wedding have the say. But can the daughters set the people, and so forth? They actually set the mood of the wedding, so they are very important.
Why don't you offer the following: "My daughters would really like to be a part of this special day. How can they help?" This should get the point across.
2007-07-02 02:56:08 · answer #7 · answered by RB 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't always give two sided answers but I don't know how else to handle this one.
It is usually the brides choice, not the families.
However, with your son paying the bill, it would be nice I realize.
But you can't compare to the past (politically correct) choices made at your wedding or others. Times change, and I don't think they do it that way anymore. (Family having to be in it type thing.)
Is it upsetting the two girls that aren't in it, or is it upsetting you?
Have you spoke to your son about it? What does he suggest?
There are so many other things that his two sisters can do to be part of the wedding other than having to be bridesmaids.
Ask if there is anything and see where it goes from there?
2007-07-01 22:38:18 · answer #8 · answered by momsplinter 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
In role of bridesmaids & grooms men is to vouch for the bride & groom.
Your soon to be daughter in law has every right to pick who she wants as do your son.
Maybe your daughters can have another role in the wedding, maybe flowergirls or ushers or say a special speech at the reception.
Don't make it a big deal as your daughters are going to have a special day if they are included or not as you will have to deal with your daughter in law for the rest of your life.
2007-07-02 00:22:54 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
A wedding in the family is a wonderful time when everyone wants to participate and enjoy. I am sure the bride would understand this if your son discusses this with her politely, after all this is his day too The groom's sister's can be flower girls with pretty dresses, who shower flower petals on the bride & groom after the wedding.
2007-07-01 21:16:26 · answer #10 · answered by Carol J 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
it is their wedding!! They get to decide on who is in it. Just because someone is "family" doesnt mean they automatically get in the wedding. Plus... your sides have to be even. If she added 2 more girls, he would have to have 2 more guys. He may not have anyone else he wants in the wedding. A wedding is special, not just a day for people to dress up and be beside you. Your attendants should be people who are special to you! Let them do what they want. ALSO, 13 and 16 are to young to be in a wedding. Stay out of it.
2007-07-02 00:58:28 · answer #11 · answered by k 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋