Controlling Mother or am I over-reacting?

Question

My 26 year old brother just gained full physical custody of his 4 month old daughter. He lives on his own and supports the child on his own. The only help he recieves from family is free child-care. My mother acts as if this is her baby though. She is constantly telling my brother what he can and cannot do with his daughter. And I don't mean things like "you can't let her sit in a dirty diaper" or "don't smoke around her" She tells him things like "You can't take your baby on vacation camping with you. She's too young to go to the beach." or "You can't take the baby on the lake." or "You can't take her to restaurants she's too young" She's constantly telling him how to raise this child and he is always frustrated. I have tried explaining to her what she is doing and how she sounds to other people but her only reply is "Well he doesn't know how to raise a child" Isn't child rearing a learning experience? Does anyone know how to raise a baby at first? Is she being overbearing?

I should mention that my parents raised us on a lake and took us in the water since we were newborns and also started taking my youngest brother camping when he was only 2 months old. Everything she tells my brother not to do she did with us and we were fine and actually benefited from what my parents did. My brother has talked to her about this but she doesn't listen to him either. Everyone in my family is getting annoyed by this.

Answer 1

I am sorry but i have to agree with your mother.
My son has a 3 year old, whom he has primary physical custody of.
And I wouldn't like it if he wanted to take a 4 month old to the lake, camping.
Now going to a restaurant would be OK, I guess she is worried about germs.

This is all so new, and I am betting things will calm down once the baby gets a little older and she gets use to the fact that her son is raising the child.

***** Additional comments.
I understand what you are saying.
You said your parents took you to the lake.....
Your mother was there to make sure you was safe.
She wouldn't be there for her grand-baby and that makes her nervous. I know it sounds like she is being a hypocrite.
Like I said everyone needs time to adjust. I am taking it since your brother has custody that the babies mother is not in the picture? I bet she gets visitations? Anyway your mother is worried about who will ALSO be at the lake with your brother and his 4 month old baby, what they will be doing, is the babies needs being met, etc.

Good luck.
~faith

Answer 2

Is your dad around to remind your mother about how she is behaving and what it was like when they were young and raising young children. Maybe she has forgotten, or thinks that men don't know about child-raising. Maybe you need to be quite blunt with her and tell her she will drive your brother away if she keeps scrutinizing everything he does. He might stay away and then not have family help and advice, which he would be needing. Also, maybe you could get her to start telling him what he is doing well, whether it be her way or his way, with raising the baby - that way it is not always negative. At the end of the day, it is probably your brother's problem to sort out as he is the dad, but I hope you can help get through to your mother. Maybe she could go along with him when he takes her for a check-up or vaccinations - that way the medical staff can tell them both that he is doing a good job. The staff might also have more open-minded views about babycare and can suggest that maybe it is okay to do some things differently. Good luck, and hope it works out well.

Answer 3

Well she's definitely over-stepping her boundaries as a mother but she feels she has every right to as the caretaker. If it was MY child, I would politely sit my mother down and say "mom, you know i love you and appreciate so much all the care you've given to my child. But you need to stop telling me how to raise my child. It's a learning experience and I want to be the parent, not you. I appreciate having some guidance but dont be offended if I don't take your advice. This is MY child and I will do what I think is best. If you don't think you can do that, then I will be placing her in someone else's care. I need to know the person caring for my child understands that I am the parent and I set the rules, not them."

If it bothers your brother that much, he needs to step up and start paying for child care elsewhere. Unfortunately, getting "free" childcare isn't without strings.

Answer 4

Honesty, he prolly does NOT know how to raise a child. If it bothered him, he would talk to her himself. She is looking out for the interests of the child, and even though it may be annoying and ever overbearing, it is surely well-intended advice and she isnt harming anyone. So, unless the baby is being harmed, ( which sounds like the complete opposite here), let your brother handle it ( or not) the way he sees fit.

Answer 5

She's his mom and a new grandma. She's thinks she's helping.

If your brother is bothered by it, have HIM tell her that she really appreciates that she is trying to help, but it's making him second guess himself as a father and he needs to learn on his own. Have him tell her that he will come to her if he needs help (flattery is good here) and that she clearly knew what she was doing with him! Tell him to ask some questions every once in a while so she can feel important and like she is helping.

Hopefully this will help!

EDIT: If talking to her doesn't work, just smile and nod and let it go. You can't change her if she doesn't see it, and you are all just getting more frustrated by trying to fix it. Remind yourself... smile and nod and let it go. Your attitudes and responses are the only thing that will improve the situation if she won't.

Answer 6

maybe your mom is just being cautious. if she's telling your brother not to do what they did to you when you were younger, then maybe she thinks she might have done something that made you not turn out right.

or, she might just be worried since your brother is a man. and most women are hesitant with leaving a baby to a male (no offense) but most women think that it's best to leave the child rearing to women.

good luck :)

Answer 7

sounds like your mother is too overbearing i think childrearing is a learing experience be blunt
and tell her to back the hell off its obvious she is being thick when it comes to how your brother feels when she tells him what to do with his kid all the time . your brother must be pretty
awesome taking on a kid by himself he doesnt need the extra hassel your mother is giving him Good Luck!!!

Answer 8

she sounds crAZY.