Is it wrong to tell your Mom to choose between you or your brother?

Question

My older brother who is 28 is living w/ us. I'm 20, but I'm paying for everything except rent, b/c I'm in school. He has a daughter w/ us for the summer. My parents gave him a deadline of July 1st to get out. It's now July 2nd...almost 2am, and he's still here. My brother and I dont get along b/c we come from 2 different worlds. Very much different. I told my mom I was going to move b/c I couldn't stand to be around him anymore and she begged me to wait a few months b/c then he would have to move out. Well, it's been a few months and he's still here...hasn't saved his money and even admitted to blowing his money b/c he didn't want to move out. Would it be wrong of me to tell my mom he goes or I go? I dont want to hurt her, but I am emotionally, mentally, and physically drained from the fights, crying myself to sleep, and from watching his daughter while he works. I cant afford to live on my own, but I have family who would let me stay w/ them, if I moved 300 miles away. What do I do?

I wrote a long explination for this question and everyone told me to stop being jealous...I would never really tell my mom CHOOSE HIM OR ME NOW!! I could never put her in that position...I would just like to be able to wake up one day, go to work, and want to come home!! You shouldn't dread going home!!

There have been many fights. One including tonight!! He pushed my younger brother, who is 16, three times. They both have mouths..both scream, but he shouldn't have pushed him. I went to get my Dad. After my Dad was out in the living room for a while talking to them and came back into his room, I went out...my older brother went, " I should have known it was you" and started yelling at me for getting my dad. But what would you do if you saw someone pushing someone who is 12 years younger? Yes, my younger brother can handle himself...but it just didn't need to get to that level. My niece was in the room and my dad is the only one big enough to break up a fight between both of my brothers....I guess you really need to know my older brother to fully understand what I'm saying. He is extremely rude and disrepectful, especially to my mom. She hasn't been forceful b/c he's her first child, that's her excuse when I talk to her. I have spoken w/ her countless times about the entire situation.

**pushed into the wall, not just a little shove...he rammed him into the wall...and threatened worse...I actually love my younger brother and I'm not going to let anything serious happen to him... Now how could I say that!! There have been many things over the past 10 years that I could never fully explain as to why I feel like my older brother is nothing more than just my mother's son...if he weren't my mother's son I wouldn't pay him the time of day. Maybe I do have issues, and yes, I can be jealous at times..but I'm not jealous over my parents letting him stay here.
I get paid to watch my niece. But he picks at every second I am with her. He asks my cousin how long i'm w/ her and bases how much i get off that. I'm pretty sure I'm finished watching her now..it's only been 3 weeks. I was doing him a favor so he didn't have to pay over 150 a week for daycare. 16 a day (from 5:30-12:30) is a great deal!! He gets off early and I'm gone w/ her, he thinks he doesnt have to pay...?????

Answer 1

How do you feel about abandoning your Mom and Dad to his behaviour? If he is so nasty with you, how is he going to be with them once you are gone?

Instead, why don't you start reporting his abuse to the police, if he is truly doing socially unacceptable things? If your Mom truly wants to get rid of him, she will also start legal procedures to get him kicked out, which involves having the sheriffs evict him.

If neither one of you are willing to do this, then move out. You lose. Your Mom and Dad lose. And your brother gets everything he wants....again!

Answer 2

First off I'd like to say that it's terrible to be put in such a position where you are so unhappy you have to cry yourself to sleep in your own home. It's wrong for your brother to make the home such an unpleasant place to be. What has your father said about all of this? Maybe it's time he had another talk with him and made it very clear where he stands. Being a mother, Loving both of my children I'd never want to be in the position where I was made to choose between them , yet I couldn't bear knowing that one or the other was hurting as you do. I have heard it said once that though a mother loves all her children the same, there are times she will cling to the one that tends to be the weaker one ,the one that seems to need her more at the moment, maybe this is why she keeps extending her deadline. Before you make any hasty decisions, I would have a sit down with both parents and let them know just how unbearable for you and leave nothing out. Make your decisions from the outcome of your conversation with them. Above all , let them know that you love them yet you just can't go on living under the same roof as your brother in these living conditions. Good Luck in whatever you do decide.!

Answer 3

I cannot believe everyone! You are not jealous! You're in school, you're supposed to be living there. He has a daughter, he's almost 30 years old, he should have his life on track. If he had a deadline, it's his responsibilty to find somewhere to stay. If there is NOWHERE else he can stay, then I can understand why he should stay, but still.

You should sit down with your mom and your brother and talk it out. Simply tell them "Mom, [brothers name], It's hard for me to be drained so much at my own home when I am 20 years old and still in school. School is stressful, and I need an enviroment where I can relax, instead of one where I am constantly fighting and watching his daughter. If [brothers name] doesn't wanna leave, since it is past his 'deadline' to leave, I will have no choice but to move 300 miles away"

Answer 4

Yes! It is wrong to tell your parents to choose.
Some children have a difficult time understanding that parents love all their children . We love our children in different ways. But we love them just the same. A parent may feel closer to one child than another. This is a personality thing and has nothing to do with the love they feel for all their children.
That said....
If you are very unhappy and stressed living in the house. Leave.
You say you cry yourself to sleep but don't say why.
Are there arguments? why do you participate in those arguments? Leave the room, leave the house. Have you ever made boundaries where your family is concerned? Have you ever told your brother.." I don't want to argue with you and if you continue to yell at me I will leave the room" And then do it.
Why are you babysitting? Have you ever heard the word "NO" as in " No, I have plans, I can't babysit" or " No, I do not want to babysit. Your daughter needs to spend time with her father and not with relatives." "No" works wonders when used enough.
You sound as if you want to control the situation. But unless you are the main supporter of the household, you are only contributing.
So your options seem to be..
Leave
Stay and make your boundaries very clear and stop trying to make your mother feel guilty.
Stay and do nothing and be miserable. And in a few weeks post again and complain some more.
Good luck. And please stop putting pressure on your mom.

Answer 5

Ask yourself which you would prefer - moving 300 miles away and starting over somewhere new, or continuing to live in your current situation. If you feel that it would be better to move than to deal with this situation any longer, try a different approach: instead of telling your mom to choose (which will get a defensive reaction from her), tell her exactly what you wrote above...ie "I told you that I was going to move, you begged me to wait a few months, and now it has been a few months. I can't handle this anymore, so I'm moving unless he is out by [insert date here]."

Clarify that this isn't a command, a demand or even an ultimatum - it's a simple statement of cause-and-effect: "If he's still here on [some date], I'm moving out." Good luck!

namaste,
B

Answer 6

It is hard for your parents to put him out, with a child especially. The poor child did not choose to have such an irresponsible parent.

If you are unhappy, you are 20 years old. You can leave home. Just remember that that child does need the love and attention that is in your family home. Please don't think that they have not sent your brother off because they love him more. They just feel responsible for the child.

I do understand your frustration, but you will understand what they are doing better when you are older, and have children of your own.

Answer 7

Aw im really sorry to hear this. this sounds like a really sticky situation, but you know what, family is family and as hard as it is sometimes they're all the family you got and you should love them all (including your brother) no matter how frustrating and mentally draining it may be. If you really care for your mother then you will stick with it and stand by her side, because even though it may seem like you're the only one hurt and frustrated with him I'm sure thats not true. I'm sure your mom is trying her absolute hardest to keep everything together including your family. Having her choose between two of her children to whom she loves is the worst thing you could do to her. Just pray about, stick with it and show your mom how much you truly care and love her by doing this! she will appreciate it so much and she'll know what to do if things get way too out of control, because after all, don't all moms. i hope everything works out! trust me i have gone through plenty of family mishaps! just hang in there!

Answer 8

Get yourself an apartment with one or two of your girlfriends. You have the right idea, as you are in school and know that you don't want to live in that environment.

There is no way your mother can be asked to make that choice. You are 20 years old. You have already lived a quarter of your life. It's time to be an adult and start living your life.

Answer 9

in the journey that your father is a in charge guy or woman and is familiar with there will be a job interior the destiny then i might pass that direction. If no longer, and he's doomed to take a seat in from of a television a drink beer along with his unemployment verify till it runs out then I hate to declare it yet pass with mom. consistently pass with who's maximum in charge! in no way permit your heart come to a determination thoroughly! this is the same with marriage. a woman might desire to seek for a in charge guy. good-looking adult adult males and sharp dressers are littering the divorce courts. Leaving diverse babies to be raised by unwed mothers. you want happiness? pass with who's greater in charge! by the way..... do no longer EVER act such as you're uncertain! the two mothers and fathers will take it as a slam and no person will want you interior the tip. Make a concrete determination!

Answer 10

I am sure you are very concerned about how your brother is taking advantage of your mom... and I am sure you have talked to him about it... but don't ever make a mother choose... we cannot do it.

Show some maturity on YOUR part and ask your mom to help you with one of the most important decisions of your life up to this point... to move. Tell her that you want to strike out on your own.. show her that you can do it... and let her be involved in the process. Shower love and affection on her.. let her know how much you appreciate that she raised a daughter who is capable of taking care of herself.

Do NOT make any comparisons between your brother and yourself... she already knows and sees that... she doesn't need you to point it out to her.

If you do this in a spirit of love, you will maintain a good relationship with your mom and she will be eternally grateful that one child is mature enough to set out on her own... and let your brother find his own way in life... if your mom wants to let him sponge off of her, that is her choice. But YOU be mature... YOU do the right thing. And don't make mom choose... you will only succeed in alienating the person in this world who loves you the most. And that would break her heart.

As for your brother - he does need to grow up... but it isn't going to happen with you being emotionally, mentally, and physically drained from all the fighting. Get up, get on with YOUR life and let him move through life stuck in the mire he seems to be stuck in.