Is this wrong?

Question

Four almost five years ago, I was r*ped. I was drinking, and this guy had someone else driving down the road so he could do this to me in the back seat of his van. I remember trying to push him off of me and yelling to him to stop, but he kept doing it as if nothing bothered him. It was as if he was made of steel or something, I tried to get away, but I just could not...there is no place to go, in a moving vehicle. I remember bits and peices of it, like what I just mentioned and also how he lyed on top of me and was pushing down on me, so I could not move. I reported what I remember to the police and they tried to find him, but apperaently he fled the state or maybe even country, I don't know. It's the classic R*pe thing, where he actually forced himself inside. Oh yeah, I also remember the driver laughing as it was happening. I was SO embarrassed and felt violated very much.The horrid memories still haunt me till this very day. Is that wrong that I can not forget about it?

Is it also wrong, that I sort of blame myself for what happened, because I was drinking?

Thanks so far everyone. I think I will go see someone about this...It's just been to long now. I tried everything that I could, and I could not grab his genitals and twist them, because he was, inside of me already.....:((

Answer 1

It's not unusual that you have a hard time forgetting such a painful incident. Contrary to what most people in the "recovered memories" camp believe, painful events like that get stuck in your memory rather than repressed.

Many survivors of horrific events feel guilty about surviving them. For sexual assault victims, there is often an unspoken assumption that they played some roll in being victimized by "leading on" their attackers. Nobody has the right to force sexual behaviour on another human being, regardless of the circumstances.

I don't know what to say about helping you get over your feelings. Therapy can be helpful, but it takes time and involves reliving painful things. There is a new and somewhat controversial psychological therapy called EMDR (see http://www.emdr.com/) that is often helpful for people who have undergone traumatic events. It may be worthwhile looking into it.

As difficult as it may seem, you have to stop blaming yourself for what happened. Your attacker made a decison to act in an indecent, inhumane, and unhuman manner. The blame should rest with him and him alone.

I'll tell you a story from my family history to put that last point in perspective. My parents grew up in Nazi Germany; both were teen-agers during World War II. When Russian troops invaded German soil in the East, they started raping and killing German women. A Russian general complained about this to Joseph Stalin, the dictator of what was then the U.S.S.R; Stalin replied "let the boys have a little fun." In short, Russian troops had permission from the highest level to rape and kill German women. When the Russians invaded my mother's village, she heard that they were raping all the women and ran to a house near the forest to try and escape. She ran for the back door and was stunned to find a Russian soldier guarding the door. He looked at her and motioned with his head that she should run for the woods. This soldier had every reason to rape my mother; he had permission from the highest level, and the Germans had killed 20 million Russians, so there was no love lost there. He made a decision that he was going to behave decently in an environment in which everyone would have encouraged him to commit rape.

Your attacker bears the responsibility for his actions, and nobody else.

Answer 2

First of all just because you had some drinks in you does not give anyone the right to violate you or make you feel like this. You did nothing to deserve this so stop beating yourself up because some guy is on some power trip and raped you. Second of all, it seems you are having flashbacks of the event which means your mind is not processing and storing the event information properly. Bad and intrusive thoughts are stored in a different part of the brain than nuetral or good ones. My advice to you is to go to a counselor who specializes in EMDR or Eye Movement Disensitization Reprocessing. What this does is helps you store the intrusive memories properly while being in a controlled environment. This therapy basically accelerates the process of storing this event so the feelings associated with it are less and less intrusive. It works so fast and get you feeling so much better in a very rapid time, faster than if you just went and talked to a counselor on a regular basis. Some places will do it for free, you just have to do the research. Usually the state can find you help for free with a center to help you. Constantly thinking about this will never end unless you get these negative and haunting images processed in your brain properly. I wish you luck.

Answer 3

It is most definitely not wrong for you to forget about this horrifying occurrence of rape in your life. It is wrong for you to blame yourself. It should not matter if you were drinking or not, no means no.

It is wrong however, for you to be letting this act of violence take over and run your life all these years later.

Have you ever had any councelling since this violent crime has left you it's victim? You need to get some counseling in order to leave the blame for this on the criminal that committed this act against you.

I do not know your age, but this can affect your life and relationships for the entire rest of your life, if you do not get some help for yourself. You may not be able to have an adult relationship, including a healthy sexual relationship and having children; if you do not learn to deal with this event and move on without guilt.

I do hope that you realize that the act of rape is not connected to sex, although it is carried out it a sexual manner. It is an act of aggression and power; generally committed by a person who feels powerless and abused in his (or her) own life and enjoys controlling someone else by taking away their right to refuse to participate in an unwanted sexual act.

Please talk to someone in social services, a church or hospital and ask for a referral to a counselor who deals with people who are rape survivors. You deserve a life to live; not a life clouded by what a mentally unbalanced chemical dragged you into. You may even be able to get counseling through the police department that took your report and searched for the perpetrator.

You need to think of yourself as a survivor of rape, do not continue to be a victim. If you think of yourself as a victim, you are continuing to let a criminal and the equally criminal driver of the vehicle affect you life .

I wish you the best, and will say a prayer for your strength and recovery.

Answer 4

I'd be hypocritical if I said no. I had been "mentally" raped by a teacher and I feel the same way you do. It happened 2 years ago. It's easier to forget that I'm graduated, but I still remember it and I still blame myself. One day, we'll both get over this. Only time can heal our hearts. Everyone has a different recovery from things. Some may never heal. Hopefully, this won't be the case for us.

Answer 5

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Answer 6

you shouldnt feel that its your fault, just because you were drinking, you didnt do anything wrong to anyone, he did wrong to you. because you knew it was wrong, you tried to get him to stop, its not like you were drunk and told him he could, or were so drunk didnt know what was happening. dont blame yourself, at all, alot of people drink, some go overboard, but it doesn't sound like you did at all. its not wrong that you can't forget about it, its not good to forget, because its better to acknowledge what happened so you can get past it, and accept it, it happened, and that can't change. the thing you have to remember is that it has happened, but you are still you. if your doing ok now, since that happened, and arent letting it get to you soo much that it affects your life, then your doing well. if its getting to you and affecting your life, and you think that the memory is making problems in your present life, then you need to talk to someone. just remember its not your fault, its the man who did that to you who is at fault, and the driver, because the driver knew what was going on if he could drive, even if the man who did that to you was drunk, the driver was sober enough to know what was going on, and thats really bad too. its normal that you felt horrible and violated, and alot of the time the victim does feel guilty, you just cant let it get you down. your strong, since you got police involved, that takes alot of courage in your situation, and its good when people tell, because it could mean that your saving other people from having to experience the horrible things.

Answer 7

It's not wrong to still think about it, if I was, I'd never forget about it, that's terrible. Drunk or not, you can't blame this on yourself, no one deserves it. You need to talk to someone about it, let it out. Hopefully some day you won't think about it as much. From time to time you may have some memory of that horrific night, but you'll learn to phase it out. You'll learn from that, maybe you'll have some luck. By luck I mean, the guy might make the same misteak and get himself caught, if so, that'll be a good way to try and move on.

Answer 8

im sorry to hear about that but Honey you are not wrong for not remembering all of it you told the cops what you could and that is good most people hide it and never say anything you are strong for telling someone dont blame yourself for drinking yeah maybe you should not have put yourself in that situation but you did not know that was going to happened you did what you could i hope they get this guy and he suffers like you are and i also hope you heal from this just know that there are people there for you if you want to talk best wishes go out to you

Answer 9

No it's not wrong. I was raped too and you will never ever forget it ~ because someone forced you to do something you were not willing to do. Don't every forget, but put it behind you and try not to let it hold yuo back from enjoying the rest of your life. It is Ok to partially blame yourself, but drinking or not ~ it is NOT OK FOR ANY MAN TO RAPE YOU IN ANY CONDITION. Drunk or not, when you say NO ~ that's it. NO means NO. He is a felon and I hope or I know he will get caught one day and be punished for all he's done. Pray that he will be caught and punished. God will answer your prayer.

Answer 10

No, it not wrong that you cant forget about it. It was r*pe, so it's pretty much seared into your brain for the rest of your life. Did they ever catch the driver. Just sitting there driving and laughing knowingly letting it slide I beleive would make him acomplice to the r*pe. In any case don't blame yourself. You did drink, but it wasn't your decision to get r*ped, it was his decision to rape you, and now he's on the run for the rest of his life. So don't ever blame yourself.