Do you think the military deployment length contributed to a break down in your marriage? Was it worth it?

Question

some people don't handle being military spouses well w/ lengthy deployments and the stupidity thrown at them from the mil. itself even though the service and family members should have better treatment for at least all the time that is sacrificed.can you as the service member understand the possible resentment coming from your lover/spouse b.c. they view your commitment to the military as something before them if your spouse views Iraq as a frivolous pursuit? I'm obviously not yankee-doodle patriotic or a FRG (fam. readiness group) member with a spouse who has been in for years and is used to this (i also feel FRG is a joke, facade and ran by mostly women whose spouses are higher ranks at least 2/3 close to their 20 years of services + need to put up a supportive front. How many 1st sgts., sergeant majors or colonels does one see w/ wives who aren't active in volunteer work on the base/organizing bake sales? Not a bad thing, but it's just so unreal!)Did you choose marriage/reenlist?

Never mentioned anything about unfaithfulness and won't allow a disagreement I have over his service to turn into a personal character flaw of cheating.

As an honorably discharged, ex army soldier myself I see this war as something not in the U.S.A. best intersts and a lost cause.

My husband joined after I left the army much to my dismay. As for the hillarious comment about me having to be more greatful for his sacrifice to the county and air conditioning provided by the joke of a military check, I have a greater income than he does. Joining wasn't something necessary for financial reasons. I truly wish I could believe he was doing something for the improvement of Iraq and the U.S.A., but I can't lie to myself and have ethical issues of being a cheerleader for a cause that's pointless in my mind.

Answer 1

Considering *our* sacrifice, no, I do not see their resentment as valid.

If I can deal with living in a tent in the middle of the desert with 120 mph winds and 130 degree temps while people are trying to kill me, why should I be understanding of a woman that cannot be faithful to me during the same timeframe while she lives in AC provided by me and that can go down to the 7-11 whenever she feels the desire?

A little lonely? I'm surrounded by 120 men. You can go down to the bar and pick up any of 120 men. Why is it so hard for wives to be faithful? (Yes there are many who are.)

Of course the 20 yr plus spouses should be involved in FRG. They've been through it and are there to help the younger wives through a difficult time. Their husbands can help in miscommunications with their soldiers.

Your husband is protecting the country and YOU. He is making great sacrifices to do that. Why is it so difficult to honor him and respect the vows you've made? Do you not feel grateful that you have found a man that understands commitment, dedication and selfless service?

And NO, I would not comply with a woman's demand that I leave my service to country behind me. If she loved me, she wouldn't make such a demand. If she loved me, she would be proud of my service. Every man that I've seen give up a career for a woman has ended up with neither.

If you are a miltary veteran who now earns more than a soldier, then you know the sacrifices he makes, despite his lack of need for the financial needs. You also know that he does not have to support the politicians of the day. You must know that he supports the mission. You must know that he is protecting the country and you, even if in his mind and despite your political beliefs. You of all military spouses should feel gratitude for his service.

Answer 2

I might not be the perfect person to answer this because, unlike you, I have not had a problem in my marriage due to the military. In fact, the challenges we have had to overcome have made our marriage stronger. Unlike you, though, I knew what I was getting. He was already in the military when we got married, so I can't claim ignorance about what life would be like as a military spouse. I can see how you would be frustrated if he did not consult you on joining the military. Thankfully, that is not behavior my husband demonstrates. We talk about everything related to his job and I offer imput where I can and he takes it and applies it as he can. While I might not agree with everything that is going on, I do support my husband and his decision to wear a uniform. In fact, I'm proud that he would want to protect the good ole USA. And while you might not agree with the Iraq situation, that dosen't negate all the other tasks that the military does to keep us safe from other types of threats. Unfortunately this isn't a perfect world (aka Heaven), so I deal with it and do the best job that I can, and support my husband as he does the best job he can.

Answer 3

Let me start by saying that I've never had a break down in my marriage. Maybe for this reason I should be not be replying, but here goes...

I don't resent my husband. I admire and respect him. The deployments make us stronger. We become stronger individually, which allows us to grow stronger together.

I hate that my husband has to be away all the time, but I made a promise to him that I intend to keep. I will stand by him whether he is right or wrong, deployed or at home, you name it.

I think the wives of the service members who have been in so long SHOULD be the ones there, offering the advice and whatnot. I certainly don't want advice from someone who has no experience in the matter (in any situation).

Answer 4

A good marriage cannot be destroyed by a deployment, but a troubled marriage can and will eventually fall apart due to deployments.
My dad was special ops, and did 23 years. Marriage is just fine, celebrating their 50th next month!
Hubby has been in for over 21, enlisted, and has been on way too many deployements and tdys. We're celebrating our 19th anniversary in 6 days. Very happily married and looking forward to the next 19!
I have had to give up serious pursuit of my career, but have been able to work at it at different locations. I also have put my Master's on hold until we retire.
In the meantime.... I volunteer to keep my foot in the door and to keep myself busy and happy. It has nothing to do with him and his career!!
As for putting up a front - give me a break!! I cry with the rest of him when he deploys. I have my days when I am just DONE! But I also know that he has a rough job and I have to be there for him when he needs me. And I let the younger spouses know that deployment is not fun, but it can be survived, and that you can come out stronger on the other side. It's a team effort and we all have to do it together!

Answer 5

You are not even a very supportive partner.
My son is a Captain & yes his wife chooses to volunteer on
base as FRG leader to help the enlisted wives & husbands with problems. She is also an assistant to the Base Commander. It is good for his career & she makes lots of friends & just gets to help others.
Their marriage is strong & they have 2 beautiful daughters.
He deploys for Iraq next month for 15 months & she is off to do an internship & to get her Masters (in 12 months). The university is a couple of hours from us & she will spend most weekends with us & our family.
You can have a life while he serves in military but it may take a little more planning & patience.

Answer 6

As a military spouse, it is tough. But I (we) have to accept that our loved ones chose to do this, and we stood by them and said through sickness and in health and all that stuff. I hate the fact that my husband is away now, but I am so proud of him too. Any time we get interrupted by his office calling, I get mad at them of course, but never at him, he can't help it.
I do agree with your thought on the FRG, they are all a lot older than I am, in fact I was the key spouse prez in our group at 18, and had a lot of problems because of my age. Almost every one I know here is a lot older, husbands with more stipes and kids, I always feel out of place, but I just have to assume that I'll be where they are someday.
Also, on the bake sale note- higher up ranks have different promotion policies than lower enlisted. They look at your family too, so if it was up between two guys, same physical stuff, and points in their jobs; they would choose the one with the wife involved in the squadron over the one whose wife didn't.

Answer 7

I dont resent my husband for being in the military. I am very proud of him for what he is doing and sacrificing for me and our kids. but i do kind of get mad sometimes that he isnt here to help. I get the mind set that "I have to stay here and support me and the kids, while he gets to live his life the way he chooses?! its not very damn fair!"

But after awhile my common sense kicks in and thinks from his point of view. He DOESNT get to be here to see the first smiles and steps and words etc.

The only thing that i could say contributed to the breakdown of our marriage, and make me resent him about the military is he did it without even asking me what i thought. Enlisted for 2 years and without my consent now i have to follow him around the country if i want to stay with him. Which i did, but we got into a few fights and then he went and re-enlisted for another 5 years, again without asking me. He's making life decisions for the both of us, without even asking me what i think about it.

Answer 8

I think it is selfish for a man with a family to serve make a carreer out of the miiltary. The militarty offer no benifits to your family, and the military will lie and try to take advantage of you and the civillians no do not care about you.
Lazy
Ignorant
Fool
Expecting
Retirement

Answer 9

It takes hardwork and planning to keep a relationship fresh and vital.Without commitment love dies.....sometimes you can bear a functional marriage but sometimes it becomes violence....sufferring.....and it doesnt end. For those who were able to live a happy and lasting marriage,congratulations! for me.....i'll go on the best i can.