In a long distance relationship and constantly fight (kinda long)?

Question

I met someone online and i didn't expect the have the feelings i did for this person who i had gotten to know so well. We've been "together" for 10 months now and at first we got along pretty well, nowadays all we do is fight -literally. It's been going on for so long and we can't seem to work it out. I'm a realist and pretty logical, i don't like being naive about things but he lives in a fantasy world. He gets mad when i state the facts about how things really are. We do love eachother, if i didn't love i would of broken it off but i can't seem to do it. I know we're not compatible, he has lied to me in the past about things big and small and expects me to forgive him everytime. I am able to admit to my faults and when i'm wrong even though i am a stubborn person, he can never do it. When we fight he becomes so bitter and immature and i know that fighting brings out a persons real side. I don't want to be with someone like that.

He always plays the victim, like everyones out to get him or how i blame him for all our problems. and i don't do that but he does so many things which tick me off. He always says he loves me and wants me forever but words are not enough for me, just because we live far away doesn't mean he can't prove it in other ways like i do. There is a time difference so i usually stay up ALL night to talk to him, he always has excuses for everything, he tells me he'll be online at a certain time and doesnt show and always has an excuse, he expects me to just take it in. I feel like it's always turned around on me when it's really him behind most things. I know i don't want to spend my life with someone who doesn't listen to me and refuses to see things from my point of view but he doesn't want to end it. The other day he came online and asked if it was a good time to talk, when the conversation got heated he said he had to go to bed. That really bothered me and he didn't care.

I feel like he only wants me there when it suits him or when he has the time. I know that he needs to feel loved and that's the only reason he won't let go cos i'm 99% sure that if someone else came around and was interested he would end it, however with me there are other people around but i feel so strongly about him. I constantly tell him we're too different, i have a strong dominant personality and i think he is intimidated by that. If that's the case then what the hell does he want to stay in this thing. Right now he is aparently on holidays but i think he's just saying that to get me back for not being around as much. It's so frustrating and because it's on the net, we can go for days without talking and the frustration is still there when we talk again, so we end up fighting. He gets over things so quickly and i can't.

Answer 1

I am kind of in a situation like this. Except it isn't a long distance relationship. I have been w/ him for 3.5 years and lately we just been fighting. I am definitley the person who puts more into the relationship. I work and go to college and he just works, and not that much- he sleeps all day and I have to lose my sleep to hang out with him. That is just one example. I also buy him things if I am out and see something he would like, like a hat, or shirt, or something. He never does that for me. And in fact, he doesn't even get me anything on holidays, my birthday- not even a cheap gift or card. He has hobbies that he does- which he usually spends more time on than me. We never have been to a movie or on a real date. Anyways, a lot of problems in the relationship have to do with his behavior and actions. I have caught him in lies, and some stories just don't add up. And when we get in an argument he never admits he is wrong (even though he so obviously was) or tries to manipulate the situation and focus the blame on me. And nobody in my family, none of my friends like him. I have put up with it for so long because i love him, and because he acts like he will change (and of course never does). Sometimes, people just aren't compatable, or you just can't get what you want and need from a person. If you fight all the time, and you have tried to resolve it and just can't, it might be time to cut your loses now- instead of waste more time. My b/f and I are on a break now, and I am thinking of what I really want, and if he can meet my basic needs. I know it is hard to say goodbye to someone you love, but sometimes you gotta love yourself first and realize when a situation isn't good for you. If you are losing more than you are gaining from a relationship- it is better to just lose that relationship. Deep down you know what is the right thing to do. Good luck to you.

Answer 2

ms.iva, many of the answers you got are exactly right. but i have been in just about the SAME situation 3 years ago before i met my now fiance. I also didn't mean to fall in love fall in love with him but we just became close and it happened. The distance is a huge factor that can feel horrible sometimes but on top of that you have all the things you mentioned, no communication or the things you say are not taken in the way that you meant, you can go for days (in my case i went for 3-4 wks at a time!!) In that time when you're not talking the feeling settles in quicker than it would be talking it out straight away. In some cases i would call my guy (he would never call me) and he'd hang up whenever he felt like it. Going to bed in the middle of a important conversation is the same thing, he is simply trying to avoid everything you are saying. The manipulation that is obviously going on needs to stop otherwise it'll drive you further from him and it doesnt matter how much you love him, you will begin to hate him for how he is going on about things. Men who act childish and put the blame on you are not men -their "manly" parts should be cut off! I felt exactly how you did when you say you feel like he's only hanging around because he has noone else, im quite confident that that was the case with my guy. I also had guys around but the amount of love i had for this guy made me back off, but eventually i couldn't take it anymore, he refused to change, he refused to listen to me, he refused to treat me with respect, he refused to take a look at things from my end of the stick and he would just keep on blaming me and making me look i was in the wrong when i wasn't. i felt a lot of guilt when i was him and you shouldn't feel that! Ladies tend to be picky and emotional about things, some guys don't understand that, the one that does understand that will love you either way. Some men are very intimidated by women with personalities like yours. A few months after i stopped talking to this man i met my now fiance. We've been together for almost 2 and a half years and i cannot believe how happy i am. If you guys can work it out then TRY but it sounds like you have and as someone already said, he will not come to see you, my man told me he would "whatever it takes to be with you" those words are not to believed. You will sacrifice so much for him and he will only pretend to. I can't say for sure what he feels for you, he probably does love you but from what i see it doesn't seem very likely. You need to let go sweety, it doesn't matter what he says, men who show a tendency to lie do it throughout their lives, they are excellent at lying about feelings and saying the perfect words to make it seem true. I just hope you can tell the difference between the truth and the lies. Good luck!!!!

Answer 3

I know exactly how you are feeling. Mostly all men are like this, and its mostly because they are easily hurt. As weird as it may sound, boys get more jelous than girls do most of the time. I think the first ten months you two got along because he wasnt as protective of you as he is now. When I had the same problem I simply laid down the rules but not in a harsh way. I told him that since a long distance relationship, we should have complete trust in eachother and that means making up for when we are wrong. If you two just tell eachother how you are feeling in a calm way, there shouldnt be anything to fight about. You two obviously love eachother enough to be able to make it through :)

Answer 4

look im going to be blunt. he is using u. he sweet talks u so u don't leave but really, u don't mean anything to him. if he has time for u only when it suits him,thats because he out living his life and he doesnt care for u. dont stick around for this guy. i dont see why he wants to stay in a relationship with someone he fights with all the time, i would say he loves u but it sounds like he doesnt respect u and is manipulative. its great that u can put away the stubborness but if he cant do that with you then this wont work. if he would rather go to bed then have an important talk with u then that says a lot by itself. sorry to say it like this but he dosnt care.

Answer 5

they are on holidays. Or vacation as they call it. He tells the truth there.
a little proverb ...."he who doesnt care , deserve the same".....
Ask yourself this question......can u really love when it is not in front of you?And if it is...would u suffer the same as you are now even with the distance?.....or would u tell him to take a hike?

Because one of you will make a move to see the other and believe me it wont be him...

Answer 6

DUMP THEM!! and hey if you need someone in your life giver me a call. ;) haha he doesn't deserve you, and i'm sure there is somene in your near you that would be way better for you.

Answer 7

read what you wrote again.... he's obviously is NOTTT the one for you--if he was, u would never be on this site trying to figure it out... u would just know.

Answer 8

get it over with already.... Why are you wasting your(and our) time on him????