My son is getting married for the third time and is angry that I will not attend the wedding. I take care of my 84 year old mother who cannot travel and there is no family around to help me. I do not have the money to hire anyone for a couple of days plus it will cost me almost a thousand dollars to get to the wedding with air, car rental, hotel, etc.
My son told me that if I do not attend this big, lavish wedding that he no longer wants me in his life and he will never speak to me again.
This is so unfair isn't it??? His fiancee also wrote me an email and was rude, disrespectful and threatening to me.
I feel bad for not being there but financially cannot afford it. I do not want to put my mother in a home for 3 days as she has dimentia and is confused already and I made a committment to her 2 years ago to take care of her.
Does anyone out there have any advice for how to tell my son I cannot come without him disowning me ? thanks, mary
2007-07-01 01:30:12 · 20 answers · asked by concerned mom 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Okay...if this was his first wedding, I could understand him being upset. But third?? From the way your son is acting, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a fourth. Then again, his fiance sounds like she will be perfect for him.
Bottom line, I wouldn't stress about this. You have enough going on in your life. Good for you for putting your mother's care over a one day event. You are a really good daughter and she is lucky to have you. Somehow that respect for parents appears to have skipped a generation in your family.
Explain as best you can that you need to be there to care for HIS grandmother. Tell him that you wish you could attend (whether this is true or not as this point) but it is not possible with your financial state and the state of HIS grandmother. It sounds like he is going to think and do whatever he wants either way. I wouldn't worry about it too much. He is being selfish and stupid. Hopefully he will grow out of it or come to his senses.
Good luck!
2007-07-01 02:01:19 · answer #1 · answered by Mia1385 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's your son's big day so please keep any bad feelings bottled up this day. You don't have to like his new wife but I hope you can at least accept her for your son's sake. You're putting him in a very difficult spot by showing your dislike for his wife. After all he chose her and she makes him happy and I hope that makes you happy. For a wedding present for your son's first wedding (I assume it's his first) I actually do think $100 is a bit cheap. I don't think you should get him money though. Does he have a "wish list"? If not, try to put some imagination and effort into finding a gift that they can both use. Usually something for their home that is useful but may not be something they'd spend money on themselves. Some nice, good quality bed sheets? A whole set of matching, good quality towels? A large, beautiful mirror to hang on the wall? A china cabinet? Do they have any hobbies that you can buy something for? Like, are they into camping so you can buy sleeping bags for him, his wife and his son? If you can't come up with anything I think a gift certificate is better than money, but make it for at least a couple of hundred if it's not a major sacrifice for you. That's just my two cents. Good luck!
2016-05-20 01:12:10 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you have two issues here. One being your mother and the other being finances. As far as your mother, I just can't imagine that putting her in a nursing home for a few days would be that big of a deal. If this is the main reason you're not attending, I think that's . . . wrong. As far as the finances, this is a COMPLETELY understandable issue. Advise your son that if he wants you there, you need help financially. If he is unable or unwilling to help, there is nothing you can do. However, if he is willing and able to make it financially possible for you, you should definitely be there for his big day (even if it is the 3rd time).
As far as your son's selfishness, it really is uncalled for. I'm getting married in 6 weeks and can't imagine disowning someone who doesn't come to my wedding. Sure, my feels would be hurt but not to that extent. I agree that your situation and your son's behavior is unfair.
As far as the fiance, do not speak to her about it. If she's going to be rude, you have no reason to discuss it with her. Your son has the right to be HURT, she has no right to have anger towards you for not being able to attend.
Good luck.
2007-07-01 02:20:27 · answer #3 · answered by Heather R 1 · 2⤊ 1⤋
tell him you love him but if he can't understand that his grandma needs care and you don't have the money to go then she should pay for you and his grandma to come to his THIRD wedding. He should pay for you to come see it if it was that important to him. You have a real excuse, it not like when i got married my mother in law to be at the time was mad because i wouldn't let her other sons girlfriend come to the wedding. which use to be my best friend till i got engaged to whom she set us up to. he boyfriends older brother. She was made because i didn't want her there she didn't understand why because she didn't see the bad in this person. She would have ruined my wedding, i purposely did not invite her and it is my right to do so. He needs to understand that you are bind financially and can't come if you could you would be there. He is be selfish about it. it is his third wedding nothis first. it tends to be not so important who's the say this one will work out also. it too can end in divorce.just tell him if he really wants you there then give you the money to come. enough for you and grandma. because you can't leave some one with dementia alone. I know all to well what theya re like i use to work in a nursing home. Good luck with him. he may be mad at he but he may calm down after awhile. of course his fiance has some thing todo with this selfishness of him. sounds like she is the one who really is pushing him to act this way.
2007-07-01 01:50:59 · answer #4 · answered by sassylassy2876 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would ask you: How come YOU havent disowned HIM yet? Oh boy, he is really disrespectful and self-centered. I suppose his choice of women is not surprising.
But to answer your question: you cannot ensure he wont disown you, or hold grudges. But you are in the right, so its up to him how he reacts. Just hold your ground and dont apologize to him. Explain the reason you cannot come, but dont engage in ridiculous fights, and do not take their blame. If you have to, you can say "I feel threatened by your words, do not speak to me like that again." and if they do, hang up the phone. Basically, send them a message that you do not reason this way, and that you wont take verbal or emotional abuse/blaming.
At the same time, I think you can be telling them how happy you are for them, that you look forward to seeing wedding pictures, whatever... Good luck Mary! This sounds like a difficult situation.
2007-07-01 01:57:56 · answer #5 · answered by fizzy stuff 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes, tell him if he would like to help you to foot these expenses then you will come, let him know why you cant and if he doesnt understand that then he should be ashamed of himself. And as far as his soon-to-be-wife, she had no right sending emails to you that were rude. If your son cannot understand the fact that you cannot afford it, you are going to get disowned regardless because he is worried only about himself. Tell him if he wanted you there he should have planned the wedding closer to you. That is your son but it seems he is being a snob about it.
2007-07-01 01:37:08 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Email him a copy of this question so he can see what an *** he is being. Did you raise him to be a spoiled brat or did he develop this trait all on his own? Tell him if he sends you the travel money and the money to hire someone to take care of his grandma you will come to the wedding but you can't afford to come otherwise.
2007-07-01 05:20:32 · answer #7 · answered by maigen_obx 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Be honest with your son. Tell him that you cannot afford it.
If he wishes to cover your travel expenses and the cost of care for his grandmother, then you need to go to the wedding.
Son and his bride are obviously hurt and are thinking you do not wish to attend. You must tell them that you would love to attend but cannot afford to do so without their help.
Being a caregiver is very difficult. Getting away for a few days, getting a break will do you good.
I think that refusing to go to a child's wedding . . . even if it is the 2nd, 3rd, whatever . . . is very, very hurtful to the child. I think that refusing to go is a decision you will regret later. Make it clear to son and bride that you are happy for them and that you would love to attend their wedding. Ask for their assistance in doing so. Be honest about your financial situation.
And good luck to you.
2007-07-01 02:03:53 · answer #8 · answered by Suz123 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He should be ashamed of himself! If he can't understand that finances prevent you from attending his THIRD wedding there is something wrong with him. His fiancee is no better. If you attend now, even if he pays for all the expenses involved, you will not have a good time. You will worry about your mother and you will resent the hell out of him for his selfish, spoiled, asinine behavior. He needs to get over himself!
2007-07-01 01:48:54 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
okay, for a round three wedding, they are lucky if THEY show up. people can not expect anyone to take a third wedding in a very important way. apparently SOMETHING has happened twice before (unless both wives have died, then i am very sorry). but still.
if he wanted you there so badly, perhaps he should have paid for you to show and take care of your mother. your new daughter in law sounds like a dream boat, sending nasty e-mails. i mean, after i am threaten i really want to go and spend time with people.
if he is going to treat you this badly,i would really not go. i know he is your son and the thought of him not seeing you again is scary. but one i doubt he will do that. he is going to have enough people at this lavish affair that he can "forgive" his mother and her "excuse". i think someone down the line will tell him, you treated your mother so bad, you need to patch things up.
you do what you have to do. he should WANT YOU to take care of his greatgrandmother. i hope she does better.
2007-07-01 07:40:33 · answer #10 · answered by Christina V 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋