How can I help my son with his depression?

Question

My son who is a young teen has said for two years that he is depressed. We encouraged him to eat better, sleep better, exercise more, see more people, see less people, but to no avail.

He's been on antidepressants for four weeks and said he feels no better. His cousin just wrote me after they spent a little time together and she said he cried that he was worthless and a burden.

He is very talented, has many friends, and is passionate about several interests. However, the past few days, he said he is in a down cycle, and he really has no interest in anything - except getting together with his friends or chatting with them.

He told me recently that my (his mom) mood swings from happy and calm to stressed and angry so quickly that I make his environment stressful and unhealthy. This kinda stunned me, because I have to cope with his father, my husband, who has been very depressed and very manipulative. Lots of times I'm happy and calm because he's not around.

Then, he comes home, spews unhappiness, and I'm tense and angry because I think he's ruining the kids' environment. Surprise, Surprise, I am.

I've focused on being much nicer to my husband the past few days, grateful for what he does and ignoring what he doesn't, and his mood's been great, so that's going well. Fact is, we've done this cycle a million times, because I perceive myself as being nice, then get angry about something he's done, then he gets angry at me, and we can barely speak.

So, I've created a toxic environment for my son while worried about a toxic environment...

Son told me that his cousin told him her mom, my sister, also has severe mood swings and is very stressful to be around. Cousin doesn't have thoughts of suicide like my son does, however.

As I say, my spouse has been depressed for decades; getting slowly better on bipolar meds. My spouse's dad and grandma were hospitalized for depression. All the women in my family have taken antidepressants.

I worry that it's too late, that he's only a few years away from college and I've blown his environment.

Our son seems to me to 'imitate' his dad's depression, even saying things husband says now, but didn't say when he was a teen - like: if life will always be like this, with no energy, no motivation, I won't go on. He has also started claiming to be sick when he's asked to help just like my husband.

He said he'd like a counselor, to see if it helps.

Since homosexuality is the number one cause of teen suicide, I asked our son if he's gay. He said no. I said, cause that could solve your depression right now, I accept you, we'll fight the world together. He said, I'm not gay and I am depressed.

What can I do about my behaviors and in general to help my son?

Have you been through something like this with your child? What's happened?

Our younger son has also expressed sadness that he feels his brother pulling away.

Help us help him or help us find hope.

Zak, et al - I realize I 'have issues." Zak you've nailed that I have a desire to be the nice one, the good one, the perfect one. I do like to pretend I have it all together, probably because less than that is utterly unacceptable to my mother and always has been.

Are those my issues? What do you mean? It's hard because I've spent so long in the paradigm that I'm a really nice person (and I am) who fell in love with a man who turned out to be severely mentally ill and with whom I made two amazing children.

I would become enraged when my husband would, for example, accidentally drop a spoon (literally) and start screaming about how much he sucked, how stupid he was, how God hated him. I would be enraged that he was so out of control he would act like that in front of our kids and teach them to be like him.

So, in having this rage, I became the one creating a hostile environment. It's hard to understand, yet I see the mess created.

I could use more insights.

Answer 1

Having to deal with your family problems you've built up a lot of anger. This anger, is making your family feel worse which in turn makes you feel more angry, and thus the cycle continues.

You really need to do some anger management for your own sake and your family.

A good starting point would be Cognitive Behavoural Therapy. You could speak to your doctor about taking a course or you can take a course for free online at http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/elearning/ (A ‘prettier’ version of this type of programme can be bought at www.thewellnessshop.co.uk). You could also try the book the Feeling Good Handbook by Dr Robert Burns which basically teaches CBT. You need to put in a bit of work and stick with it - but if you work at it things will get better pretty soon.

Alongsige this you should practise "Progressive Muscular Relaxation". You can buy a tape, or do it yourself - instructions can be found at http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/minipax.cfm?mini_ID=17 (no.4). Do it at least once a day (but try more).

You should also speak to your husband and son and invite them to do CBT. CBT is very effective for anger, anxiety, depression etc. If they decline, that's fine - but you should do it yourself anyway - for your own sake if no one else.

Answer 2

Your last paragraph opens a window on the family dynamic going on. Children notoriously mirror the mood of the parent.
Here you are saying that very thing yourself.

4 weeks on antidepressants is barely scratching the surface. They have only just begun to work. Six months on them is a better view of how they are evening-out his moods and abilities to cope.

Family therapy could be a lifesaver for each of the 3 of you, to get the family working together, rather than against each other. It could also be, that the son may not need the meds, if the parents were appropriately treated / medicated for their own personal difficulties. Clearly your son NEEDS a more stable, and less stressful home environment.

You ask if anyone else has dealt with the domino effect your family members seem to be displaying. Yes, I have. It was not a time in history that I would care to repeat. My children and I were barely able to get away from him alive. The children mirrored my depression with their own. Counseling/ therapy when and where it was needed and meds evaluated or adjusted every couple of months. If your husband isn't stable on his meds, then maybe what he's getting isn't what he needs -- and what your family needs to have a stable and healthy home.

Counseling is alot like having a coach while you are in there playing the game, there is observing, thinking, evaluating, monitoring, and doing done as a team effort. You can learn new ways that will actually work on those same old unsolvable problems you've been dealing with. You can have hope, you can have solutions, and you can have your life and your son back. It's worth every penny.

Answer 3

For one thing, you, your son, your husband and it sounds like other family member need some counseling to say the least. From what you described it sounds like there may be some bi-polar problems going on and it seems to be in the family.

Speaking from experience, I suffered bi-polar, or at that time they called it manic-depressive and for years I took counseling and so many medications I can't remember them all. The best any of those medications did for me was to help for maybe a week tops and then they just didn't work anymore.

My condition eventually led me to drinking heavily which only made things worse. Finally, out of desperation I started looking into natural remedies. I read how vitamin B was given to alcoholics to help them when they were drying up and thought I will give this a try.

I bought vitamin B-100's, I took three a day and in about 3 days I was feeling great, that's been over 30 years ago and I've never had the mood swings since nor have I drank. I can't say it's the answer for everyone but it's certainly worth a try.

It only makes sense, every other medical condition we have is almost always related to diet unless it's from an accident. Bad diets make us ill, good diets make us well...Give it a try!

Answer 4

I think counseling involving assertiveness training would be helpful. I wish my folks had intervened when I was a kid, I have lifelong problems from being bullied. I hope you are working on the dieting and exercise thing, too. I read a study that said overweight kids have self-esteem on a par with kids going through chemotherapy, and you can't change society overnight and make them accept overweight, so it would probably help if he exercised more and you fed him less/had healthier snacks, cut out pop, etc. All that stuff. And you gotta be a good role model, too. My advice: Assertiveness training & work on the weight issue (the discrimination in society is real, even if it is mean. And childhood overweight makes it even harder to keep weight off as an adult) He might need medication in the meantime, you should get a professional opinion on that. I'm a tubby myself (but not really until I got into college) so I know weight loss is hard. (!!!) I'm now 42, so this is looking back, for me. PS I saw you added more: I got bullied other places than school too, the groups that were the best were where the "smart" kids went-like theater, debate, etc. He's not old enuf for that yet, but when I was a debate coach, there were some really bullied kids who totally transformed in that program because the kids weren't all nasty. Debate was great for me, too, when I was in high school. How about a science museum program? A ham radio club? You know, a lot of clubs have junior members, too. An aquarium club I used to belong to had junior members. Then the kids have something in common & can make great friendships there. I'm hoping racial issues would be less there, too. Plus there won't be any cliques.

Answer 5

I think maybe family counseling would be a good idea, you and your son together. Does he have a counselor he can talk to on his own? That would be helpful too. If their are things at home that are stressing you out, you can be sure they are stressing him out too. You guys may need help to work through some things. Get help for the both of you. And keep an eye on him - if his depression grows worse or you get any hint that he is becoming suicidal, call the doctor or 911 right away. Most antidepressents can increase suicidal thoughts in teenagers in some instances. And it may even take a couple more weeks yet for him to feel better on the meds - they usually say give it six weeks to begin working.

Answer 6

I have been suffering from post partum depression for the past one year when I gave birth to a baby boy. I couldn't stop thinking about how my husband loves him more than me and how things might be better if he wasn't born at all. Thus, I stayed away from him because I knew that I might do something I will regret for the rest of my life.

Almost instantly I went to a therapist and convince them that I need help. Among other things, I've tried herbal supplements and other book to treat depression but nothing works like the Depression Free Method. So now I'm proud to say I'm one of the happiest mother in the world. My husband loves us both very much and I thank the Lord for the blessing he gave us.

Depression Free Method?

Answer 7

i am a leader of a youth group so I deal with teenagers every day. I also suffered from depression since childhood and I know that my parents went throuhgh alot with me. My suggestion is simply to let the little things go. pick your battles. Depression IS partly genetic so your husband and your son may have little control over their symptoms or feelings. And it is like you are lighting a match on a stick of dynamite if you get angry, upset or outwardly frustrated over little things that really aren't life threatening. Be very understanding and patient. dont try to counteract any of their emotions because whenever someone is going through what I call an episode, logic is nonexistent. So what you can do is compliment them , give them positive feedback when they are NOT in an episode. just do it randomly. Its like when they say an unexpected gift means I love you much more than one on your birthday or anniversery. Same thing with positive feedback. And smile. Smiling is a proven method of creating a positive environment. I know it sounds corny but this year I graduate with a degree in psychology, smile. try not to show your family your frustrations because remember their cross is heavy enough. Instead buy a journal and write all your feelings of frustration in there before you go to sleep and keep it under lock and key. (or use an online thing). slowly but surely if you are strong this will pass. remember a household is only as strong as its foundation. And right now you are the foundation because you are the strongest.

Answer 8

I think you should go a bit easier on yourself. I know this is easy coming from me, who isn't there. You must want to fix your son because you're worried that he's going to hurt himself.

I lost my father to suicide two years ago, my mother in law to suicide a year ago and my cousin about four years ago to suicide as well. Two were overdoses, but my cousin actually hung himself.

My aunt lost her son, so that's probably the closest that I could get to in relating to how you must worry about how your son might turn out.

My family do have a history of mental illness and a leaning towards the depressive side. I think it's a mixture of environment and genetics but that if your son is depressed, all you can do is support him and try and improve his home life. My Aunt had been through a lot with my cousin, then all of a sudden it came out of the blue. There really isn't a lot she could do about this as he was in his late 20s and not living at home, but she never forgave herself. It could only be a person like me from the outside that could say she tried everything she could do be the best mother that she could be, but that's all she could do at the end of the day.

A trained therapist will be the best person to assess what is going on at home. You'd need every person in the home there to really get down to the issues at hand.

I don't think you can blame your husband either. All that anyone can do is be supportive. Being a teenager is very hard in itself.

I came out when I was 13 and it didn't solve anything. It probably made things a lot worse. There is a possibility that your son could be gay (it may just be embarrassing for him to admit to his mother that he's gay right now if he's still dealing with it emotionally). I was extremely depressed growing up in a house where my mother and father fought constantly. My father had Bi Polar disorder and I didn't really get any attention at all. I think my depression was reactive and ultimately a cry for help.

I did have feelings of worthlessness and complete uselessness. I would go through periods of not even wanting to leave the bedroom. I'd just sleep and be very quiet and I lost a lot of weight.

Although my father has passed away, my mother and I are very close now. I come to her with all my problems and she's been a tower of strength to me.

I think you're very brave to actually be dealing with this and you should try and just relax and 'let go' like someone else recommended on here. You're doing everything you can do by dealing with this and working through it with him.

I'll think of you in my prayers tonight. I hope things improve.

Answer 9

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. You are taking on the blame for this situation. Yes, you react to other people's bad behavior, with bad behavior So you need to learn how to break that cycle. With a therapists help. How can you do that if you don't know how to do it?!!! Also, it sounds like depression is genetic in your family, so don't blame yourself for the environment you've created. You can have the best environment, the healthiest one, but if your child is messed up because of his genes and ALL THE OTHER THINGS that create his world, he is not going to be a happy camper, no matter what you do. Learn how to not "dance the dance" with your husband. Get your son therapy, get yourself therapy, and just ride out these traumatic teen years the best you can.

Answer 10

Having gone through a period of depression in early college, I can speak from my own experience. I would say that unless your son has clinical depression, he may be feeling powerless to deal with a situation over which he has no control. He probably has a tremendous amount of anger toward his home situation, but when you're a kid, there's not a lot you can actually do about it, so...one becomes depressed, or to put it another way, extremely sad.

Some kids actually cut themselves because they feel that they at least have some control over their own bodies.

In my opinion, anti-depressants won't help him unless he's also getting some kind of counseling to help him with the ongoing situations. It sounds to me like you and your husband are at each other and he's caught in the middle with nothing much he can do about it. Either the situation must change, or he's going to have to change his mental outlook through counseling. I know that sounds cliched, but talking to a qualified counselor can be life-changing. I speak from personal experience. It saved me from years of misery.

If your son doesn't click with the first counselor, keep looking until he finds one he can relate to. It's a journey worth making.

Once again, I'm only speaking from my personal experience, and I'm not a doctor, so keep that in mind.