Making amends - or my mother, my problem?

Question

There was some bad stuff going on when I was little; spankings, having to change/use the bathroom w/doors open (so she could always see what I was doing), and when my parents split her wrath focused on how I was the cause of all her problems (she said my dad loved me more than her).

As I've gotten older, I've tried to forgive and put it behind me while at the same time reaching out to her. The rude awakening came when I was planning my wedding - she had nothing to do with it. Nothing. She showed up - that's it.

Over the years, I keep trying but to no avail. I'm tired of it.
I felt rejected by her when I was a child because I did nothing right, and I still feel this way - but talking about it w/her turns into about her and her fears.
I've been to counseling and was told to act as tho she was dead, but that seems so cruel. I want her to reach out to me for once!

Is that too much to ask?
Please don't be cruel with the answers - I'm serious about this.

These answers are great, because they are honest. I truly thank you for taking the time to write what you think.
In my heart I've known the answer, but with my older brother and younger sister it is hard to act as though she doesn't exist.
But this isn't about my validation. I had a friend whose mom died and they were on bad terms - she didn't even know her mother passed until her sister called a month and half later - on Mother's Day.

I guess her situation got me thinking that I didn't want to have any regrets about trying. My brother thinks I should try yet again, but I don't. I moved out over 20 years ago and my mother has visited me maybe 5 times.
Buuuhhh, here I go - sorry! This is really LONG!

Answer 1

Expectations of other people will get you nowhere except miserable. You can change yourself but you CANNOT change other people. I would say move on with your life.You are obviously an adult and while your Mother's approval and acceptance would be gratifying, it is not necessary for you to live a rich and full life!!! It does sound like you have been the bigger person and tried to forgive...kudos to you!!! You have done what you can, the rest will fall into place exactly as it should. Avenge your awful past by being happy now. Please don't let this affect your whole life as life is WAY too short!!!

Answer 2

Hello Mellie,
It sounds like our moms are a lot alike...I won't go into my story, but here's my advice for you.
It sounds like she is probably jealous of you....You had a beautiful wedding without any of her help (shows her how strong you are) maybe it would have caused chaos if she had been involved...who knows...but YOU did it on your own! When we become adults we still want our parents to approve of what we have done with our lives, and how well we are doing it. But sometimes the parent has too many issues of their own to do that.
If you are tired of being rejected...then stop trying. That doesn't mean "act as if she is dead" but just focus on YOUR life and be the best person you know how to be. If you feel up to calling her one day, then call. But don't lose sleep over it, and worry about trying to make a relationship with her every day. It takes BOTH people to build a relationship.
I hope my words aren't too harsh, but this is exactly what I did with my mom because she was drunk every time I would call her! And guess what? She calls me now (not very often) but she reaches out to me now. She got the hint. Hopefully your mom will too!
Best of luck Mellie,
Shannon xxx

Answer 3

I think your therapist is right, hon. I know it sounds cruel, but there is a point to it all. It gives you a chance to break free from her "hold" on you over all these years, even when she isn't there. And it gives your mother a chance to really realize what she has done to you. When your mother is ready to straighten up and go along with counseling the right way, then you can have the special relationship with her. Right now, you have nothing, and there is no point in stressing yourself out about it.

Good luck hun, and I really hope it works out!

Answer 4

I don't think you'll ever get the respect that you're owed from this person. Best to move on and be a better parent to your own children despite your own upbringing. She'll see what a loving relationship can be like and hopefully try to make amends with you by having a wonderful relationship with the grand kids. You'll be pleasantly surprised by her love for them.
Truly hopes it works out for you, if not, know that you gave it a try and move on. Best of luck...

Answer 5

Hi Mellie. I am trully sorry that your mom wasn´t able to give you love and is still so empty. Just remember IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! It´s her unability to love.
Nobody can give away what he doesn´t have. See? She doesn´t have love to give because she is empty... maybe her parents were terrible to her???
Soooo.... stop searching for something she doesn´t have. You do not have to stop loving her, you just have to stop EXPECTING love, affection, solidarity, from her. She just doesn´t know them.
Be greatful that she was not too sick enough to beat you, rape you, abuse you. (I don´t mean to hurt you... but just think, some parents do that to their children!).
A practical advise: think of all the good things your mom does... maybe she is funny, or kind... and focus on those virtues. That is the only thing you can expect from her. Otherwise, you are not standing on reality.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Honestly, honey, it is her loss. Some people just do not appreciate what they have when they have children. Children are the most precious gift that God gives us. Stay with counseling and talk to your minister. You will learn that you have expectations of Mom that may never happen. They can help you accept her as she is. Good luck to you!!

Answer 7

OK, this will be my longest answer ever but it'll be worth it. Let me help you by telling you about my similar story. Growing up in a very dysfunctional family, my parents divorced when I was 8. My father was mean, selfish and abusive up to that point in my life. All us kids sided with our mother and logically so. My father was ordered by the court to pack up and leave. The last thing he said to us kids was, "You all betrayed me, you love your mother more than me, I'm going to start another family, you all are not my children, I don't love you anymore." Well, as you can imagine, despite my father's abuse, I was devastated. My whole life I maintained communication with my father but he never lived up to my expectations. He was still the same selfish, greedy, all about him, it's not my fault, etc.. man he ever was. No matter how hard I tried to reach out to him and showed how much I cared, he never changed. He never showed an interest in me. It drove me crazy to the point of insanity. How could this be? This can't be happening. This image that I had in my head of how a father should be and what reality was showing me just didn't add up. I really started to believe that it must be me. In my twenties, my frustration with my father, that I couldn't change him for the better, led to anger, which led to hatred, which led me to have thoughts of hurting him. I wanted him to feel pain, because that's all he had ever caused me. I wanted him to know how he had made me feel. I would have been better off if he had died and I never knew him. What was a frustrating disappointment had become a self-destructive obsession. One day, I just came to the realization that I needed to let him go. Not imagine that he's dead, just accept him for what he is and move on with my life. From now on, I was only going to concentrate my energies on relationships that mattered. Meaning, I only devoted my time and energy to family and friends that really showed to me that they cared, and guess what? Those relationships only got better. I started to get happier and happier everyday. I still communicated with my father but I no longer expected him to change into something that he is not. It is what it is. Then I had this crazy idea about 7 years ago, I told him that I wanted a man to man talk. I said that if he wants a loving relationship with me, then this is what I expect of him as a father... 1) phone calls 2) birthdays remembered 3) when we talk, it's not all about you 4) admitting that you made mistakes as a father (and that was putting it mildly)...Well, you get the idea. I was not expecting nothing to really happen. I just wanted him to know how I really felt. To my surprise, he changed. I have to say that since that talk he really has tried to show me that he cares. Today, our relationship is quite good and getting better. Bottom line- tell your mother how you really feel, accept the situation for what it is and move on, if she changes for the better? Great. If not? it's not worth obsessing over. You will only drive yourself crazy and go nowhere. Stay in touch with her but don't expect her to fit the mold you have designed for her in your head. Concentrate your efforts on those people in your life that truly qualify for your time and energy and in time, you mother just may "come around." Less of you in her life is what she may actually need. Sound crazy? Well, isn't it human nature to want what we cannot have? My father didn't show concern for me until it dawned on him that he just might lose me forever. Think about it.

Answer 8

You are asking your mother to do something she is not capable of doing. I think you should accept her as she is and not expect her to change.

You don't need to "act as if she is dead", but you need to give up your expectation of a normal mother-child relationship.

If that means that you limit the time you spend with her, then that is how it needs to be.

Answer 9

weLL... what can i say.. hmmm.. just talk to your mom about it.. coz communication is still the best for those kinds of problems because even though your going to forget about her.. she's still your mom..:-)

Answer 10

well i think your therpist is right maybe if you think shes dead
she might relize that your more important then she thought