my child has just lied to us, what is a good punishment for her?

Question

We have tried taking away toys, lieing back telling her that we are gonna do something exciting and then not doing it, we have done time outs, we have stood in the corner, we have done chores... nothing seems to be working and here we sit on the couch again trying to get her to tell us the truth. What should we do??

Answer 1

When I lied to my parents as a young teen, my parents grounded me from the phone and if someone called for me I had to take the call just long enough to explain to my friend that I was grounded for lying about....and I had to explain all of the details of my lie. This was humiliating and it certainly stuck with me.

If your child is too young to try the above, you might try giving her the same, very specific consequence EVERY time she lies. I would recommend that EVERY time she lies, she gets all electronic luxuries taken away. That means no TV, video games, movies, telephone, or anything.

Good luck!

Answer 2

"We have tried taking away toys, lieing back telling her that we are gonna do something exciting and then not doing it, we have done time outs, we have stood in the corner, we have done chores... " What have you done CONSISTENTLY? Nothing is going to work if you keep changing the discipline, all you've managed to do is confuse the poor child. Discpline is great and works when you use the same form consistently. I guess you'll be spending a lot of time on that couch trying to get her to tell you the truth when you can't even be consistent with your discipline.

Answer 3

Tell her it hurts your feelings, and that lying can cause a lot of trouble. Depending what she lied on, in a very serious grave voice tell her something terrible that can happen related to the lie. If she claims she didn't break/spill something you know she did tell her how you might have thought it was Daddy/Mommy, and then Daddy/Mommy would be in BIG trouble, and he would be very upset/sad. Sometimes kids know they are lying but don't see that its bad. With my little ones I watch (2 four yr olds) I tell them that I don't want to "hear a story, I'd like the truth." And I only ask once. They have one chance to tell the truth and then its kneel in the middle of the room and watch the rest of us have fun for however long I feel its necessary (usually about 5 minutes ) And any crying screaming getting up leads to me resetting the timer for another five minutes, because after all time out doesn't start until you're quietly contemplating why you're in time out.
And when my husbands nephew is here (5 yrs old) and he lies .... alot.... he makes him do the iron chair (someone called it the horse stance) if she doesn't listen to reason maybe shell listen to discomfort. And he tells him that 99% of the time if you just TELL the truth you won't be in trouble.

Answer 4

The fact that you have jumped around so much is your problem. Lying back to her made it even worse. That was the WORST thing you could have done. No wonder she lies to you. She learned it from you! You need to pick your poison: taking the toys away, time outs, and chores are a good start. Then you need to stick to it. CONSISTENCY is the key. When she is bad, take the toys away and make her take the time out and stand in the corner... and make her do it until she behaves. Period. Stick to your guns. It will take time, but it will work. If you keep changing what you do, and God forbid if you DO the thing you want her to STOP doing, it won't work. You have to be the boss. That said, when she behaves, make sure you give her a lot of affection and appreciation. Reward her when she is good. Punish her, consistently and firmly, when she is bad. It works, but you have to work together as parents and mean what you say.

Answer 5

Continue to do what your doing... I have gone through 3 siblings,... and I have 3 of my own...and you know what it's a phase I think they all go through. Of course that doesn't make it ok, but part of growing up is learning that there are consequences for their actions...this is an opportunity for you to teach your child right from wrong. Keep encouraging your child to tell the truth, but you also should be a good role- model by telling the truth yourself. When your child is honest with you and confesses something that she has done wrong...try not to make the punishments to severe, or she may avoid telling you the truth next time. She will start to develop a better understanding of right and wrong and it will stop....this is just part of her growth.
If you find that it is getting worse, and more compulsive...if she is lying for no reason...there may be a problem and I would seek out a physician.

Answer 6

I think that lieing back to her is retroactive. If you don't want her to lie, then don't set the example by lieing in the first place. Set a positive example by being truthful. If you lie to her and then punish her when she lies, she will most likely get confused.

When my neice and nephew had this problem (they were probably between 4-6 years old) my sister in law made a chart with their names on it and the days of the week. Every time they lied they would get a red frowing face, and every time they were truthful they got a yellow happy face. If they earned the set number of happy faces, they would be rewarded.

They were always punished for lieing. I think sis-in-law would deny dessert at dinner or wouldn't allow them to do their favorite activities. They eventually got over it.

Answer 7

How ever old she is make her stand in a horse stance for that many minutes (10 years old = 10 minutes) After that allow her to come out to discuss the matter if she still continues to lie put her back in until she chooses to tell the truth.

Horse stance: Stand the child back and heels against the wall. Take one step out back straight, bend at the knees almost to a sitting position. Arms to the side bend 90 degrees with palms up. This is a disipline technique used in the martial arts.

If it continues seek professional help she may have a chemical imbalance that keeps her from distinguishing reality from fantasy.

Answer 8

try ignoring her when she tries to tell you something and when she wants to know why explain to her that lying is not something you want to hear and until she stops lying about things you will not listen. It took almost 3 weeks for my 5 year old but he got the point every time he tried to tell me something I did something else and now he tells me the truth almost all the time it works it just takes time good luck I hope I helped

Answer 9

How old is she first?? I think any punishment should be age appropriate. Is she an only child or does she compete with siblings? Not enough info to give a good answer however If it is really Bothering you then lying to her is in my opinion only teaching her to lie more. Have her talk to a school counselor or maybe some family counseling.

Answer 10

Getting kids to behave properly isn't about making them feel even worse about what already happened- it's about showing them how to make things right.

What happens if she tells the truth? A lot of times children lie because when they tell the truth they are 100% sure they will get in trouble. If they lie the percentage drops to 50/50. The odds are often better when kids lie.

Your job as the parent is to play detective.

What is she lying about? Is it hurting anyone physically? If not, stop giving attention to lying. That's hard for parents, but it's an important part of the process... keep reading.

What are her options when it comes to lying? (She can lie. She can tell the truth. She can tell part of the truth...)

What happens after she does any of those options? (Does she get attention (positive or negative)? Does she get time alone in her room? Does she avoid being punished?)

If she gets something worthwhile in response to her lies, she will lie. Worthwhile may mean the chance of avoiding punishment (even a slim chance!), or it may mean that she needs down time in her room, or it may be that the only way she knows she can get your attention is to lie... it could be a lot of different things, so observe and see what she's getting out of it.

A lot of times it looks like this:

Mom: Jody, did you break this vase?

Jody thinks: If I tell her I broke it I'll be punished. If I tell her I didn't break it, I might get away with it.

Jody (Out loud): No, Mom, It wasn't me!

The way I taught my kids not to lie was to never, ever, ever punish telling the truth. If they told me the truth and the truth was that they did something they weren't supposed to do:
1) They already felt bad about it.
2) They needed help fixing the problem.
3) It was my job to create a consequence that helped them learn that we are responsible for our actions, but not just to punish them to be punishing them.

A real-life example was that one time my older son said something really mean to my younger son. My younger son punched a hole in the wall. When asked who did what, both boys admitted what they had done. (Remember we had long been practicing this in our home- they knew that telling the truth was not going to get them in trouble, but that we would help them resolve the problem.)

Instead of grounding, spanking or another random punishment, my husband said, "Okay, guys... we have a hole in the wall. When you do something that damages property it has to be fixed."

They all went to Home Depot and my husband showed them how to patch the hole in the wall. By the time it was over the boys were getting along again, the wall was fixed, and we never had another hole in the wall.

During the trip to the hardware store and the work on the wall my husband made little passing comments about how difficult it can be to get along with other people sometimes, and how we have to think about the big picture. He talked about how when we hurt someone's feelings we have to go to them and make it right. And when we damage property, it is our responsbility to fix it.

For now, ignore lies. If she lies, get very neutral and just don't deal with it. Wait for another time and talk with her honestly about the problem, and provide a way for her to make it right.

I promise with practice this works.