Letting go of resentments with his mom?

Question

I'm currently 8 months pregnant and live in a different state than my boyfriends mom. His family wants to be involved in the baby's life, which is great, but how do I get past my negative feelings for them?

My boyfriend and I were together for over a year, during that time I never met his family or friends. Only when I became pregnant, did his mom want anything to do with me. A meeting dinner was quickly arranged and we met for the first time. That was the only time I've ever seen her face to face. She recently wrote me a letter inviting me to come out for a few days (she lives in a different state) so I can meet a couple other family members. There are various reasons for not wanting to go (like being 8 months pg) but mostly because I still feel angered/upset that I was never included or wanted in their lives UNTIL I got pregnant. I was never invited to family functions or even my bf's birthday party. He says I should blame him (which I do to an extent) but I also blame them

I tried reaching out to them and expressing how important it was to me to meet them, but it never happened. What hurts is that he acts as if his family is so great and open minded (his mom is even a reiki master) but because they never wanted to include me and judged me before even meeting me, I feel so much resentment towards the whole family...including my boyfriend.

I've recently come to terms with my boyfriend not treating me well during that year, but how do I get past my resentment for his family (his mom especially)? He tries to make me feel guilty by telling me his mom is so hurt and feels like she won't be included in the baby's life. It's not true, but there's only so much I can do living 2000 miles away.

This obviously isn't telling the whole story, just a summarized version. So if you are one of those self-righteous answerers that thinks they know everything about a situation after only reading a couple paragraphs, don't respond.

And please spare me the Grandparents Have Rights "laws". They don't. Vergie Arther is a perfect example of that.

I'm looking for a legitimate answer!

Thanks

Answer 1

It's really hard. I have some seriouse(?) issues with a couple of my husbands relatives. I try very hard to keep them in check because the baby will be here in a few months and I don't want my baby to feel the strife. One thing I would suggest is talking to her. Since you are several thousand miles away it is impracticle and unhealthy for you to be flying at this stage. Call her up on the phone. keep it light the first few conversations. If SHE brings anything up, tell her the truth. Explain your feelings and why you feel the way you do. Try to keep non-emotional, which i know is VERY hard to do right now. If you feel that you could stomach a visit from her, after a dozen or so conversations on the phone or via e-mail (if you email her save it and re-read it the next morning or a few hrs later so you don't say anything youdon't want said. Also it keeps a lot of emotions in check when you e-mail/write her.) invite her to stay at the local hotel. THis way you are trying and you don't have to keep her in the house with you.When you reach a point where you think you can talk to her, have a list of questions for her. Some might be: WHY weren't you invited to the bday party.Why now? Ect. I also think that mabey this might be misplaced anger toward your bf, that you are still hurt by him. Talk to him. Tell him how much you were hurt by him and that you are going to try with his mother, but you don't want to be pushed into anything. One more thing. Take it one relative at a time. You don't need to be going down there and meeting 10 more people that you don't want to know right now. Good luck. If you need someone to talk to I don't mind you e-mailing me (we can compare MIL =P) at [e-mail]

PS
It helps to have a friend or a family member on your side that you can have a vent fest with. Kind of like a psychiatrist w/o the huge bill. Just make sure it's someone who wont repeat anything and won't shove it back in your face 2 years donw the road when you are getting along with her.

Answer 2

What the!!!!.....Your baby is YOUR baby & your BF's baby, but NOT HIS PARENT/FAMILY'S. YOU are 8 months pregnant, you should not be travelling anywhere. If the other family members want to meet you, let THEM come to YOU, or at least wait until a couple of months after the baby is born. Who are THEY to make the rules! Sheeeesh, what people come up with! Their worries & hang-ups should be of no-concern to you, & quite frankly they are being very selfish, seeing as they are causing a pregnant lady a lot of uneccesary stress, which is not good. Yes, it's very nice (& good for a child) to have extended family and a good relationship with grand-parents. But in some extreme cases (& this seems to be heading in that direction, although I hope not), it's best to steer clear of them for a while. If your boyfriend keeps pressuring you, he's just as selfish; why would you want to be with someone like that? Tell them all to zip-it and buzz off if they can't. This should be a joyous time for you, and these selfish people are only concerned about themselves and their own desires. It POSSIBLE that your BF's family is making an honest attempt at getting to know you, because, after all, you are the mother of their grand-child, and it's best for all involved, including your child, if everyone can get along. (Remember, if your child has a baby some day, YOU will want to be a part of your grand-child's life, & rightly so!) However, tread slowly and carefully with this; it concerns me that they are not putting your needs first! Good Luck, and stay strong!!!

Answer 3

they shouldn't expect you to travel when your 8 months along.tell her they can come and visit you but that your doctor will not allow you to travel. I personally think that it is your bf's fault for not including you. My ex use to do the same thing. His cousin got married and I didn't even find out about the wedding until a week before then he said it was too late to come. his brother and sister both took their boyfriend and girlfriend and I stayed home. He did it one too many times and I got sick of it. Now I'm with a great guy who would be really sad if I couldn't make it to something for some reason.

Answer 4

I went rought something similiar my now husband family were against us marrying and make our lives hell once i got pregnant of the first child they wanted the same as your bf moms. It piss me of that they didnt have the courtsey of saying Im sorry for what i did and everything. But one day i realized that if i didnt let go the resentment feeling the only person i was harming was myself. I m not saying it was easy it was very hard but once you do it you will feel a lot better. You will think she doesnt know what shes taking but believe me i know, I been with my husban seven years and of that seven they make 3 of them a living hell believe me i went trough a lot. After that it took me like 1 year in learn how to get pass all that and know our lives are better not only for me but for my husband because its hard to be between the persons you love no matter how wrong they are its hard to know what to do. I feel the same way as you is your bf and family fault both of them, knoe you need to let go by writing all that you feel you can even tell them how you feel and tell them what hurt you in a respectfull way but you need to think whats best for your baby and the best for your baby is that all his familily get along. So i dont say i going to be easy but you need to do it, try them in small doses until you get more comfortable with them, dont stay with them a month because you will feel uncomfortable. Put all your effort into letting all go for the god of your family, Its the advice of someone who went trought that and now its happily married for 7 almost 8 years know with 2 wonderfull kids who are growing happy and with a family all around. My best wishes to you and your family hope everyting turn alright for you it will take time but you can do it.

Answer 5

Wow. it particularly is terrible. are you able to or have you ever moved out? Why do you nonetheless permit human beings like this on your life? So what in the event that they're your mum and dad? that doesn't recommend they very own you. in the event that they're sources of destruction on your life (nonetheless, when you consider that's obtrusive that they've been), then you definately ought to loose your self from them, and not seem returned. Make it sparkling which you're a individual, and need to be dealt with with appreciate (with a bit of luck, you prepare _some_ to them, yet nonetheless, that isn't be appropriate). in the event that they do no longer like it, then bypass away. in case you have already left, then make it sparkling which you extremely desire to be dealt with with appreciate and the minute they do no longer, then turn around and walk out the door, and don't come returned for a month. After a mutually as, they gets it. in the event that they do no longer, then ciao infant! don't experience responsible approximately it. additionally, attempt and seek for professional help for you. a minimum of, it provides you with a secure place to vent your thoughts and stories, and you will probable learn the thank you to handle it extra advantageous.

Answer 6

i AM GOING THUR THE SAME THING.EXPECT, I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TO MY HUSBAND FOR 3 YEARS HAVE 2 KIDS BY HIM,AND HIS MOTHER LIVES 30 MIN.AWAY,AND I HAVE WROTE HER MANY TIMES,TELLING HER ABOUT HER GRANDCHILDREN,STILL NOTHING, SHE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME,AND DOESN'T EVER KNOW ME.ITS SICK. HER LOST.