Who should come first? My father, or my daughter?

Question

Hello everyone. I have bit of a dillema here. My father, who is in his mid-sixties, was diagnosed with cancer last year. To help him, I moved into his house with my husband and 2 daughters aged 12 and 9. However, my 12 year old daughter has just said she has to get out of the house - and prefebebly go back to our own house. She's only able to take a shower once or twice a week, so my father can have one every day, and she says that his constant moaning, complaining about life, wanting to kill himself, and exposing his illness to her is tiring and scaring her. She says that every day, her being quiet and shy, he forces her to listen to this, and also gives her little privacy, even though she has her own room. She and I are too scared to hurt my father, and he doesn't physically hurt or harm her, and I feel I can't leave him. I have little other family here. Should I listen to my daughter and move out, or stay with my father?

Answer 1

Have a serious discussion with your Father about the situation. It is his granddaughter that is being affected by his situation. That said, if worse comes to worse - your daughter comes first as she is the child and adults should be able to take care of themselves and make decisions for themselves.

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Answer 2

Tough call. Have you really had a good mature talk with your daughter about the circumstances and the true meaning of family. That sometimes you have to do what you don't want to do. Can you speak to your father about this. Suppose you were in the same situation as your father and your daughter's daughter reacted the same way how would you feel? How strong are your family ties. Your daughter is going into the negative personality years where she tends to think of herself only. I don't blame her for what she wants and can't imagine what she is going through. Take into consideration the extent of your father's cancer also. ****, I am sorry I can't suggest to you what to do.

Personally I would stay with your father. I am sure he needs you more than you think. Imagine what he is going through.

Is there someplace else your daughter could go and live that is near enough so she could visit? Normally your first duty is to your immediate family but under these circumstances you have a Solomon-like decision to make. Good luck and God bless you.

Answer 3

Wow, that is quite a dillema. This is a good opportunity for you to teach both your daughters the importance of love and family. When a family member needs you, you must be there for them even if it disrupts your life. I believe it will make her a better person if she sticks it out and loves her grandfather in his final days. That being said, You also need to try to make thing a little easier on her. That is a lot for a 12 year old to endure. Talk to your dad and compromise with him. Tell him his behavior is scaring her and if he continues to talk like that, you will be forced to keep her away from him. I'm sure he doesn't want that. She also needs to shower more often and it's up to you to make that happen. I'm sure it wouldn't be too hard to arrange. Lastly, you should take time to do something for yourself on a regular basis. If you are totally stressed out, noone will be happy. You have a very difficult job and I applaud you and wish you and your family the best of luck.

Answer 4

Well, what your father is doing is not age appropriate and could even be considered emotional abuse. You need to reach out to sources in your community for help with Dad. He should be qualified for hospice care . You can get qualified help to prepare his meals during the day. It will be an expense, but I think your daughter needs you now too. Moving back to your house would be better. You do not want to hurt either of them, so you and your daughter should seek counseling to work through this hard situation. He probably would benefit from having Hospice counseling also. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

This is a hard question... but the reality is that the Bible tells us to Honor our mother and our father (Exodus 20:12, Deuteronomy 5:16, and Matt 5:4 among many others) this is a hard task for us to do but it is best to do. You should take care of your father for as long as you are able. I think you should explain to your daughter that not all situations in our life are comfortable and that we must adapt to our surroundings. Ask her to try and open up to her grandfather and maybe she can be his positive light and help him to have a more optimistic look at life.

Answer 6

If you can't afford someone to come in and care for him, have you tried speaking to him to let him know that his behavior is scaring your daughter? If you have and he continues as sad as it may be you may have to leave him in the care of a nursing home. Or maybe you could get a small apartment nearby so that your husband and kids can stay there and yet have access to you at all times. It is a tough situation, but fact is daddy has lived his life and as great as it is that you would like to care and comfort him in his time of need, your daughters wellbeing is at stake. Now if in fact she is using this as an excuse to move back to the old place don't give in, If its not that then your daughter comes first.

Answer 7

Even though he is sick he can be told to knock it off. Why doesn't your husband, HER Father, say something to him. He should not be talking about killing himself around these kids and should be told so. Being honest with your father is not hurting him. You are to protect your kids from whatever scares them, even if it is your ungrateful father. You have put your life and the lives of your family in turmoil for his sake and he should be more appreciative of it. Take the upper hand and stand up to him. And let the kid shower more often. He can take sponge baths once in awhile and share a bit more.

Answer 8

Wow, bad situation, but let me tell you something that happened to me and that might help you make up your mind. When I was about 8, my grandmother moved in with us - she absolutely hated me - in her mind my mom had no business having a third child and she made my life hell! When I got into mid school, it became my job to take care of her after school (parents worked), well one day (I was only 12) I came home to find her dead. That has always affected me and right now typing this I have a knot in my stomach.

So, how do you think it would affect your daughter is grandpa really ended up killing himself?? Are you willing to take that chance? If I were in your situation, I would go home, hire a nurse and YOU go check up on him as often as you feel necessary - daily if you need to.

Answer 9

There no time like the present for her to know what its like to be sick. You need to have a long talk with her about why your father acts and says the things he does. Explain to her that he is sick and who knows what may happen. She needs to also be able to have her alone time. Maybe every other weekend you can get them out of the house. Take them to the drive in, to the park for a picnic, on a walk, or get her a pet. (even if its something small). I was kinda in the same situation when my moms cousin got cancer. She was MEAN! But, mom and dad got divorced and we had no where else to live. Mom got me a dog (I was older and took everything way worse then my younger brother, he didnt know what was happening). Well, this dog was like my 24-7 best friend. I had other friends but if there was something I needed to talk about. I knew my dog would listen. Obviously he had no idea what I was ranting about, but he didnt try to answer back, or "help". He would just listen and kiss. He helped me through a MEAN cousin, a grandfather dieing and my dad leaving. Simply she needs some one to rant to. Someone whos not going to try to 'help' and give her BS answers or suggestions. Also, she needs to know that you are there for her. Hope this helped. :-))

Answer 10

Your daughters should always come first but they also need to understand that you need to be there for your father and your father needs to give your daughter more privacy. It not nice for a child to hear a family member saying they want to kill them self.
Maybe you should spend some mother and daughter time together

Answer 11

I say find a house close by and move into it. Get your other family members to pitch in with your father, make a rotation. It's one thing to sacrifice yourself to help your father, but to expect your husband and two daughters to sacrifice their own home is too much. You can still be a good daughter, especially if you live close (within 20 minutes)....but get your other family members to help out too!