Should I still help with our friends' wedding?

Question

I am having a dilemma. My fiance and I introduced my best friend (Ali) to his best friend (Mike) 3 years ago. In that time, Mike has tried to leave Ali 6 times, and each time, they say, "We are going to start over, and see how it works. If it does, it does, and if it doesn't, oh well." Recently, Mike told Ali that he doesn't know if he loves her the way he should, and sees her more as a friend. And, with this, they still are holding their location for their wedding, in May. Again, they are going to "start over".

To me, "starting over", means putting the engagement ring in the box and really start over. We told both of them individually we are stepping down from thier wedding, because we don't believe two people should be getting married who don't love each other, and certainly don't take respect and commitment seriously.

I feel awful, but I can't help people who don't want to help themselves. We really want to be there for them, but don't know how. Any suggestions?

As far as their points of view, we asked both of them individually about situations that we heard different sides of the story on. Basically, they are lying to each other about everyday life.

And, can you not still be a good friend and disagree? I know I can not make decisions for them and they have to do it on their own.

My fiancee and I have been together 4 years, and in that four years, we have gone through 2 car accidents, each with 10 months of physical therapy, a car getting stolen, being laid off and a couple of other trying things. Where we are coming from is experience. When something bad happens to them, Mike runs to play video games and Ali calls her mommy. They can't handle everyday life, so standing in their wedding is like a slap in the face to us, because we have been there and worked through it by ourselves.

As far as selfishness goes, it not the case. If I were selfish, I wouldn't care. I prefer to call it very concerned.

Answer 1

How will not supporting them help them? If you really want to help them, talk to Ali and find out how she feels. Is Mike telling her what he tells you?

If so, ask what they are doing to make sure this doesn't happen after the wedding? What steps are they taking?

The one thing that you may want to do is tell her that you won't spend tons of money on a wedding if you don't think the marriage will last and refuse to be a bridesmaid and pay for a $200 dress in a $30,000 wedding. You can let her know that no matter what, you will stand by her.

Answer 2

I agree with you. I think you are doing the right thing. Someone that can't make a relationship work shouldn't be getting married. Maybe they should try some time apart and completely call of the wedding. Sounds to me like they are not at all ready. I would not put any effort towards a wedding that will not last and personally I do not that their marriage would last more then a couple months.

Answer 3

It sounds like you have done more than your fair share of supporting the both of them. Stepping down from their wedding is a great plan. Maybe if the two of you offer to be there when either of them wants to talk and just give them some space.

It sounds like Mike may be feeling some pressure to marry Ali when he really does not want to. Let them work out their issues and if they do get married anyway make sure you attend.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 4

I think what you are already doing is the best thing that you could do for them. If I were going to marry someone I didn't love just because I felt like it, I would totally want my friends to tell me the truth. That it's a bad idea and they won't be party to it. Just keep trying to convince them that they should wait until they actually love each other before getting married. Good luck.

Answer 5

I think it was very respectful that you stepped down the way you did. I don't believe you can help someone in that situation. They really need to figure it out on there own. If that means being divorced in a year so be it. I don't think it's anyones place to tell them what to do because they probably wouldn't listen anyway.

Answer 6

The choice of getting married with be their decision even if you don't think it is good for them to be married.. (My family was completely against me and my soon to be ex husband getting married.. but they stood by me and helped with the wedding anyway.. (they did express thier opinon, but there were there and helped me because they loved me, and my wedding day would have completely sucked if my best friends and family were not there.. so I say it is okay to still help with the wedding just to show you love your best friend, you don't have to agree with it, but if you don't go to it and their marriage is a sucess.. then what you didn't attend the wedding.. what kind of friend would you be?? It is thier choice to be married, but you as a friend (even though your against it, should still be her friend through it and help her out to keep the friendship strong.. but yes tell her that you are scared for her.. and let her make her choice).

Answer 7

I think u r right on in not supporting their marriage right now. they sound confused to say the least. they need to step back and really get a handle on the concept of long term committment with each other. maybe they need some counseling and could get a better perspective...suggest that and of course u can still be great friends...and it is a friend who will tell the truth....

Answer 8

I think it sounds like both of you care about them and are trying to do the right thing, but it's their life.

Let them make their own mistakes and be there for them, including the wedding. You're ruining your friendship with them, making them less happy and accomplishing nothing. If anything you're setting them up to come together just to spite your snub.

Unless one of the two are your children then you should be a friend and that means allowing their mistakes, and still being there for them.

Answer 9

Wow. I think you're doing the right thing by stepping down. You don't want to be a part of this wedding, it has disaster wirtten all over it. I agree with you, "starting over" should mean putting the ring in the box.

Answer 10

They will probably get married and still be working things out. It is uncomfortable to be around argumenative people, but if they act well around people you could have many years of freindship and fun being with them. Don't throw away something good. Many couples just put on a front, thats life.