It's our day, right?

Question

I would just like a little reassurance that all of the hard work and stress that goes into planning a wedding pays off.

First, my fiance and I planned to have a semi-destination wedding and get married on the beach in California (one state away/6hr drive) with just immediate family, but his family complained and complained and complained until we changed our plans in order to make them happy. We planned a nice wedding here in town. Now his family is complaining that all of his family is not on his guest list (2nd cousins and such). We can't afford to throw a fabulous wedding for 200 people - 150 is our limit and there were some people that we don't even talk to that we had to cut. One of my bridesmaids tells me how much she hates her bridesmaid dress EVERY time I see her... she was there to pick them out. The other girls love them.

I'm just feeling really stressed right now. Everyone says that the day should be about my fiance and I, but it doesn't feel like it.

Answer 1

Stop thinking about this stuff and just picture how wonderful life will be with your fiance. Spend quiet time together everyday without discussing the wedding. Ignore everyone, Just make your wedding special for the two of you. They are not what the wedding is about, they were just invited to observe it!

Answer 2

For all the naysayers that are around you right now you need to let them know how much what they are saying bothers you. You are the bride and this wedding is supposed to be what you and your fiance want, not what they want. It's a shame that you changed your wedding plans for other people because somewhere in the back of your mind you will always wonder how beautiful it would have been on the beach. The next time his family complains ask them how much they have to contribute to the reception so that so-and-so can be invited. And your bridesmaid is the ultimate in rude - no matter how much she hates her dress she shouldn't be telling the bride-to-be, she can complain to her other friends and put a smile on her face around you - after all she only has to wear it one day for a few hours! It she continues to complain ask her if she wants you to see if you can find someone to fill her spot (only if you think you can). Whenever these stresses get to you put on a kettle of water and make a nice cup of tea, go run a hot bath with some lavendar salts, and grab a good book and take a long soak, when you get out you will feel much better. Good luck and God Bless.

P.S. Your fiance should have a talk with his family if they continue to complain.

Answer 3

That's a common misconception, that as the bride it's "Your Day". That's not accurate, weddings are about bringing two families together to celebrate the marriage of two individuals. There is a difference between a wedding and a marriage and most people don't remember that. The bride and groom should make most of the decisions but there are other people involved especially if the bride and groom are spending someone else's money.

That being said let your fiance's family invite all the people they want as long as they pay for them before the invitations go out. Make sure you get a check and that it clears.

Tell your bridesmaid that she was there to help pick the dress and she should have said something before they were ordered. Now that they have arrived there is nothing you can do about it and you're sick of hearing about it from her. Be nice about it and don't yell no matter how frustrated you are.

I'm not sure what you mean by pays off so I can't reassure you on that part. I'm assuming it's too late to call of the huge wedding and go back to the destination wedding.

Answer 4

It is your day and you should invite those that are most important to you. You have already been very flexible with his family. I would take his mom to lunch or have a sit down with her and her fiance and just explain the situation to her. Maybe send announcements with your engagement picture to those that are not invited a few days before the wedding. That way those people are still somewhat included. They can see that you took the time to send them something special even if they couldn't be included in your special day.

With the bridesmaid dress it doesn't matter if the girls like it or not. If you like the look that's what matters. Especially if this girl was there when the dress was picked out she has no reason to complain. I try to be flexible with my bridesmaids and they have to sometimes remind me that it's my day and they'll wear whatever I want them to.

Try not to stress out too much. Plan a special evening with your fiance that will allow you two to not think about the wedding and just enjoy eachother's company.

Answer 5

Yes, the day should be about the two of you, but...in the last couple of decades the wedding business has just exploded, and weddings have gotten bigger and more elaborate (and more stressful!).
Do what you can afford - the invite list is up to you, and if you have to not invite 2nd cousins etc., so be it. If any of them are married, they undoubtedly know about limited budgets.
Every woman I've ever met who has been in a wedding has hated the bridesmaid's dress. It's a given. She'll get over it.
Remember...the wedding is about you and your future husband becoming man and wife, don't let the stress of all the trappings of the event distract you from what's important.
Also remember, it's never too late to ditch it all and fly to Vegas!

Answer 6

It certainly is a big day for you, and one of the most special days of your life. But for some to say "no one else counts but you" is not true. It is everyone's day after all, the guests have to travel, get clothes, show up, be happy, etc. They would not do this if they didn't care about you. You can't just say (as some have told you) "the H E L L with what you say, it's MY Day!"

But the things you have mentioned, I think you are dealing with them in a reasonable way. You don't seem to be being unbending or rude to your family or friends. I think it is dreadful that people are putting up such a stink over invitations and dresses. The bridesmaid should be told "look, you could have nixed this dress when it was selected, but now it is the one, can't you wear it for one day? If you can't, then you have to choose whether you want to be my bridesmaid. I hope you will be in my wedding but I can't force you."

As for inviting people you hardly know, that is what I say, the h e l l with it.

Answer 7

What you need to realize, if that when you try to make everyone happy, you wind up making NO ONE happy--especially you!!

Assuming you're paying for the wedding, I would have your fiance tell his parents that you guys simply cannot afford to have his 2nd cousin, Fred at the wedding. He could also mention he hasn't spoken to Fred since he was 6. He could then say if they keep bringing it up, that you guys won't mind inviting them, but his parents will have to pay the difference. It may even mean getting a different reception location--and I would make darned sure it's more expensive than the first. Then add in the additional food/drink costs for 50 extra people--plus the need for additional place settings, centerpieces, tables, chairs, etc., etc., etc. If they're willing to pay the difference, then by all means you guys can invite them. If not (and I'll bet they're not) then they have no right to dictate to you how to spend your money.

The Bridesmaid who hates her dress--ignore her. The next time she brings is up, just look at her sweetly and smile and say "I'm sorry you don't like the dress. All the other girls love them. It's really too late to change this. I don't want you to be uncomfortable, your friendship means too much to me. I really want you to be one of my bridemaids, but if it's this difficult for you, maybe you should reconsider doing it. I know how you feel about this, but there's nothing that can be done about it at this point. You hurt me and add to my stress load every time you mention it, so please don't mention it anymore."

So, quit trying to please everyone else, and do things the way YOU want them done. Go get a massage or a facial and try to relax and have a happy wedding! Best of luck to you!

Answer 8

Yes, to a point. Under no circumstances is it every acceptable to breach good manners and good taste. However, you have done none of these, you have been accomodating to a fault with the changing of your location, and with the dresses you obviously took a majority ruling, which is fair. The guest list is within your budget and again you have changed your venue location so that many extra people could be included, but a line has to be drawn and you have drawn it (stick to your guns on that one!)

I think you are being a great sport about all of this, its hard when people dont remember that the weddings are about the bride and groom and begin to try to take over by ways of guilting and shaming them into doing what they want.

As long as you arent compromising good manners, which it doesnt sound like you have at all from what you wrote, then you should totally get the day that you are wanting and might I add probably PAYING for alone. (I'm sure the monies chipped in from his family are minimal if any)

Best of luck to you!

Answer 9

It is your day and you and your fiance come first. The families, friends, bridesmaids, groomsmen, and guests will just have to fall in line. If needed, have a sit down with his family and explain that you want a small intimate wedding and you can't afford to have the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th cousins who don't know you to take up a seat for an aunt or an uncle. Ya gotta put your foot down.

Answer 10

It is your day and you should do as you please. Your limit is 150 people, and that is where you stand. Have your fiance politely let them know the guest list is complete, 150 is your limit, and that's it. As for the unhappy bridesmaid, can you stand one less? If she's going to complain about the dress, ask her whether she "really" wants to be a part of this wedding.
This is a memorable day for both you and your fiance- no one else. Be strong and don't let ANYONE ruin it for you. Good luck and congrats!